Denounce & Reject!

In the wake of a heated debate over semantics between two ofour nation’s most prominent leaders, I realize that in recent months I too have
made the grave error of not being entirely clear on where I stand when it comes
to the important issues of baseball—this nation’s greatest game. In fact, as a marginal baseball purist who
respects certain progressive movements within the institution in order to bring
the game to a wider audience, many of my contemporaries have gone as far as to
call me a flip-flopper (daresay!) simply because I chose to denounce rather
than reject myriad controversial ameliorations.


Let there be no question. I may not have
said it in the past, but life is certainly not about the past (just ask Mark
), so I take this opportunity to make it absolutely clear that I do
hereby DENOUNCE & REJECT the following atrocities afflicting our precious
game today:


REJECT: $6 Old Style 20oz. Cans at
Wrigley Field


I can walk to my local general store and buy an entire 6-pack
of Old Style 20 ouncers for $4.39. I go
to a ballgame and have to take out a loan to get my fill of an awful excuse for
a beer. To make it worse, this is the
cheapest beer you can get at Wrigley and lord knows that if I’m going to
Wrigley, I have no choice but to drink in case the bleacher bum hooligans try
to start something with me. It’s a catch
22 really: drink and I’m better prepared to stave off any threats of violence,
while at the same time, drinking forces me to use the men’s room more frequently
and the men’s room is where I have been most frequently targeted. Perhaps the real issue is me wearing my
Cardinals hat and jersey while throwing about inappropriate remarks like “We
are the Champions!”, “Cubs S**k” and “Broglio for Brock, Broglio for Brock!”
while standing at the trough surrounded by drunk frat guys from DePaul. Nah, that can’t be it. It’s the $6 Old Styles.


REJECT: Individuals Who Sing ‘Take Me
Out to the Ballgame’ Incorrectly


People, it’s crackerjack, singular, not plural. And yes, it is a double negative, “I don’t
care if I never get back”. It means I
want to come back. Come on. And really, it’s “root, root, root for the
Cardinals”, no matter where you are or who’s playing.


REJECT: Pink Cashmere Sweater Wearing
White-Collar Sex & the City Watching Rush Limbaugh Listening Cell Phone
Talking Mai Tai Drinking Who’s Winning Asking Trophy Wives with the Best Seats
in the House


(See A fan for all seasons, by Allen Krause)


4. I DENOUNCE & REJECT: The NY/BOS/LA Lovefest Media’s Propensity to
Totally Ignore the Existence of an NL and/or AL Central Division


The Cardinals, the Astros, the Cubs, the Brewers, the White
Sox, the Tigers, the Indians, the Twins. Here we have eight teams that have been consistently good in recent
years, with heated division races year in and year out and yet the lead story
on Baseball Tonight almost always has something to do with A-Rod and a
stripper, or Man-Ram failing to cash his check from the Indians in 2000 because
he didn’t have time to go to the bank or whether or not Jeff Kent will be an
a-hole this year. Ridiculous.


5.  I DENOUNCE & REJCECT: Those Silly Between-Inning Games that Require
Us to Keep Our Eyes on the Ball Under the Hat on the JumboTron While they Spin
Around Like Crazy


You know what I’m talking about. And you know how ridiculous it is. I’ve read the reports and I know that we US
have short attention spans, but come on, we’re baseball fans. We get off on watching the third basemen move
a few steps towards the line when a right-handed pull hitter steps to the
plate. We make it a point to watch and
see who warms up the right fielder in between innings. We write entire blog entries on the strange
between-inning rituals
of our favorite players. Are we really that starved for entertainment that we will succumb to
watching a guy spin around a bat ten times and try to make it to first base
without falling down?


REJECT: The Growing Tendency of Teams
Having 12 Different Uniform Combinations


I admit, I thought it was kind of cool when the White Sox
introduced the ‘alternate’ all-black jersey. Many teams followed that trend: the Rockies,the
Marlins, the Devil Rays, the Reds, the Angels, the Pirates, the Mets, and many
more. The problem is that they didn’t
stop with just the one alternate jersey. Now teams carry 3 or 4 alternate jerseys and sometimes more than that:
with sleeves, without sleeves, black, alternate team color base, with
pinstripes, without pinstripes, and alternate pants too! Come on. Can we please go back to road greys and home whites? When I turn on a game I don’t want to spend
the first ten minutes trying to figure out who’s playing by trying to decode
the odd uni combos.


REJECT: The Constant Mispronunciation of
Chinese Names


Yes, my bias enters here. It’s Wang (pronounced wahng, not waing). It’s Chen (pronounced chen, just like it looks, not chaing). It’s Chien (pronounced jee-AN, not jen). You guys took the time to get Daisuke’s name
right, show a little respect for the godfather of Asia,


REJECT: The Fact that at US Cellular
Field a Miller Lite and a Sam Adams Cost Exactly the Same


Beer again, I know, but come on. How can you charge $7 for a Miller Lite and a
Sam Adams as if they’re equal in quality? Who in their right mind would buy a Miller Lite? You’d be real surprised how few Sox fans can
actually tell the difference.


REJECT: MLB Superstars Who Fail to Own
Up to their Mistakes


Come on, Barry. Roger. Mark. Come on now. I like to think that MLB fans are among the smartest devoted followers
of sport. We are also the most
forgiving. We love Ty Cobb and he was an
absolute abomination of a human being. We love Babe Ruth and he was a man of many vices and mistakes. But you know what? They never shied away from who they were in
the public eye. They owned up to their
shortfalls. Look at Andy Pettitte. The nation loves him again because he was
honest and didn’t take us for a bunch of fools. Be honest about that cream, Barry. Admit that wasn’t B12, Roger. Talk about the past, Mark. We’ll
love you for it.


…and finally…


10. I do hereby
Baseball’s Ban on Pete Rose

Somebody hit Selig over the head and put Charlie Hustle in
the Hall of Fame. Let him come to the
ballpark. Just think of how much more
exciting the game would be with Pete in it. This is 2008. Our future
president admitted he did blow. Our
current president did blow all the time. Our previous president smoked ****-o-weed. Why can’t the baseball brass recognize how
archaic and asinine their decision to ban Pete Rose for life is and how
negatively it has affected the game? Get
over it, Bud. Do the right thing.

And please, please, please…don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.





    I AGREE AGREE AGREE The words just flow Thoughts like these appear in most of our heads but u sure can make the point on the written page

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