Affirmative Inaction!

With the issue of race dominating the headlines this week, I felt it my civic duty to address an all-too-often overlooked issue that has been increasingly detrimental to the game of baseball and society as a whole.  It is a matter that has been consistently neglected by both casual fans and executive suits, the media and the players.  Frankly, bringing it up now, in this forum, at a time when our country is in great need of healing from past and present atrocities, I must admit that I fear for my life.

But somebody has to say something.  Because grave inequalities saturate our stadiums from the east coast to the west coast, in red states and in blue states, which sorta leaves out Canada, but they’re guilty of sins too!  Fear not, baseball fans, for I may be but one, but I am one for all. 

And sacrifice is needed.

Ladies and gentlemen of this great nation, there are six birds currently employed by Major League Baseball.  You will find them in St. Louis, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Washington D.C., Baltimore and Toronto (that’s in Canada).

Ladies and gentlemen of this great nation, there are six monsters currently employed by Major League Baseball.  You will find monsters in Cleveland, Boston, Tampa Bay, Cincinnati, Atlanta and Chicago (Southside).

While it saddens me that our nation’s ignorance towards the fact that the privileged birds and monsters of the world are hoarding a great percentage of the jobs in baseball, I am happy to say some minority groups have been able to worm themselves into arguably comfortable positions.  That is not to say it has been easy.  Being a sea creature is not easy, folks.  The pain, the ridicule, all that time spent out of water in the hot summer sun.  That is not an easy life by any means.  But you won’t hear a complaint from the fabulous Lou Seal of San Francisco or Billy the Marlin in Miami.  You also won’t hear complaints from the two felines with steady jobs, even though they endure countless acts of ridicule themselves as victims of a vindictive world.  Paws used to be the most exciting thing at Comerica until Leyland came in and that pizza man started buying all those rich ballplayers.  And of course, who could forget the spiteful slangs of hate by the disenfranchised snake population directed towards D. Baxter the Bobcat, icon of the Arizona Diamondbacks?   

Though outnumbered for now, it is apparent that at least the sea creatures and the felines of the world are making great strides towards a brighter tomorrow.  And MLB is slowly rising to the call.

But ladies and gentlemen, this is 2008. 

And it is embarrassing to report that there is only one, (yes I said just one), phanatic employed throughout the entire game of baseball. 

I know, I know, phanatics are Republicans.  I know.  But ladies and gentlemen of this great nation, Republicans are living things too.  Republicans have feelings thoughts heartbeats.  Republicans have mouths to feed.  In fact, republicans have much to offer this world, including running around on ballfields pulling down players’ pants and dancing the macarena on the tops of dugouts. 

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time we stand up against these injustices.  It is time we recognize that phanatics/republicans are just as capable of making fools out of themselves (in fact, much more capable) as birds, monsters, sea creatures and felines. 

Consider yourself informed.  You now have no excuse.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.



P.S.  Look for The Filibuster this weekend, the new weekly segment where Al and I jar one another with provocative questions in an attempt to get each other angry, or at least thinking about something in an opinionated way. 



  1. Jeffery

    Russell, you make a good point. The next question is: who would you rather pick up that 3am phone call, an angry man of god or a disenfranchised phanatic?


    With regards to: “Ladies and gentlemen of this great nation, there are six birds currently employed by Major League Baseball. You will find them in St. Louis, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Washington D.C., Baltimore and Toronto (that’s in Canada).”

    What bird is in SD? Just not sure how the Padre bird counts… is this a metaphorical bird of some sort?

  3. Jeffery

    Guy, to answer your question, the SD Padres’ mascot is the infamous San Diego Chicken. Obviously you don’t watch baseball. I still love you (as a brother) though.

  4. Jeffery

    Matt, this bit of ethical reporting was inspired by a chai tea latte at one of those ‘coffee bars’ that I will not name here on this unaffiliated site…unless they want to pay me.


    just goes to show ya that everybody needs a job to eat. The older you get and the more money you get ya’ll, the redder your going to be

  6. phillies_phollowers

    Sooooo….the Phanatic is a republican because he was forced to meet Pres. Bush and actually resisted the urge to twist his head around like a defective barbie doll? Hee! Thanks for the link and the welcome…very cute article :o) Have a good one!


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