The entire city of Detroit (sorry, I mean the white suburbs surrounding Detroit) is sobbing right now, Al. Yes, Hockeytown may never forgive you for your slander if you can ever sell enough Girlscout cookies to buy a plane ticket to go back. But why would you, really? You’ve already proven your disloyalty to the keystone of the lonely World Series Championship your team has achieved during your lifetime. Sure, maybe the Hawk, a victim of being the best player on the worst team year in and year out, ultimately doesn’t have what it takes to be in the Hall of Fame (though keep in mind, if he would’ve hit 62 more homers we wouldn’t even be having this conversation). And sure, Jim Rice, though he’s touted as the most dominate player of his league for at least a decade, just misses "defining" the game of baseball. But, Al, Jack Morris? Really? You really believe that Jack Morris doesn’t belong in the Hall of Fame? That he doesn’t deserve his place among the greatest of all time because he didn’t "define the game of baseball"? Well, I hate to tell ya, Al, but you are absolutely WRONG.
Now it would be easy for me to rip you apart here with my diligent statistical analysis and shrewd acumen of baseball inteligencia to prove why I am right, but let me save everyone from having to read a book and make this much easier for you with two words: Jim Bunning. Yeah, I said Jim Bunning — the senator from Kentucky. That’s right. Did you know, Al, that Jim Bunning is in the Hall of Fame?
Did Jim Bunning define the game of baseball, Al? Using your own argument, I have to tell you that Jack Morris did so indeed, my friend. He was the poster-child for consistency, compiling winning records in 15 of his 18 years in the big leagues and twelve times he won 15 games or more during a season! He won 254 games (that’s 30 more than Bunning) in his career, led the ’84 Tigers, the ’91 Twins, the ’92 and ’93 Blue Jays to World Series championships, made 5 All-Star appearances and won a WS MVP, not to mention the absolute wicked nature of his splitter. If only Al Gore had invented the internet a decade earlier, fantasy baseball nerds like me would be drooling to draft him. He was a lock for a strong, injury-free, 15+ game winning season. In other words, he dominated during his career.
And all that leaves him out of the Hall? Perhaps a case can be made for getting just his signature mustache in? An exhibit of the mustache then?
But, Al, you’re not the only one who’s completely wrong on this day…
Hillary Clinton: WRONG. You see, I really must apologize to everyone for not responding to Allen’s heinous post earlier…it’s just, well, gee, I didn’t want to bring any of this up but I guess I should let you all know that on my way to work in downtown Chicago the other day I had to dodge howitzer fire, a couple of grenades and the thirty-third infantry, which kind of set everything back a few days, you know? But jeesh, that wasn’t the half of it. What really got under my skin was having to ride the 62 Archer bus home while we evaded sniper fire from a book depository at Michigan & Roosevelt. While the bus was sliding across the intersection on its side, shooting sparks all over my otherwise pleasant view of the lakefront, I realized I was bleeding from the shrapnel that lodged into the side of my face while I was having lunch with a colleague earlier that day.
I feel much better now.
And all you Manny haters out there upset that he pulled a Barry Bonds move by watching the ball instead of running hard are, in this case, WRONG, too. That game-winning double he hit early this morning was a fantastic start to the season and I wouldn’t have changed it for anything. Do you ever really expect Manny to not watch a high pop fly that has, at the very least, the potential to be a home run? This is Manny Ramirez we’re talking about here. This is the guy David Ortiz says is a crazy matsuzaka. He should’ve been hustling on that play? No way. I wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much without seeing his priceless reaction of oh sh*t that’s not out of here, I better run now… We love Manny because he is so dumb yet so bright, so awkward yet so graceful, so Manny yet so…Manny. Unlike Bonds, he’s a lovable guy. He says funny things. He plays the Green Monster perfectly and he does hustle…sometimes.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.