Hey hey, everybody! The kings of pain, the Chicago Cubs, have gone and done it again. In one single day the organization was able to provide me with enough fodder to dissect for the rest of the season. But I can’t stretch it out because that wouldn’t be fun, so let’s get to it!
Or shall I say: LETS get to it as in LETS PLAY TWO… as scribed on the new Ernie Banks statue unveiled outside Wrigley Field yesterday. Smart people will notice that the apostrophe is missing from “Let’s” in Banks’ most memorable catchphrase. So who was doing the proofreading for this monument? Aramis Ramirez would be my first guess. Who needs apostrophes when you’re pitting rooster against rooster in a violent cockfighting duel to the death? Fukudome maybe? I so sorry. Is prorry can being dis one. Something tells me his English isn’t so great.
But to read the Chicago Tribune, you’d think Kosuke Fukudome was the second coming of Christ. He’s everywhere! So what, he has a great opening day. Good for him. But can rational human beings really tout him as an MVP candidate after one single game in the Majors? According to the Trib, he was quiet in spring training camp because he was busy working on a SECRET WEAPON. Oooh… secret weapon… like what? An aluminum bat… bionic arm… non-detectable PED injections? In the print version of the Trib article, the actual title is “Secret Weapon Unleashed”. Again, the extremely biased Tribune didn’t realize how third-grade that sounded until after it had gone to print and I called them twenty times to complain (blame Editor Ramirez), so they very smoothly (or not so much) changed the headline for the online version. Of course, if you read the article (why would you?) you will realize that they never actually say what the secret weapon is other than: he hit the ball hard. Look, Fukudome didn’t become a star in Japan for not hitting the ball hard. Isn’t there something more substantial that could be written in the newspaper?
Like Chicago’s relentless search-and-destroy mission for the infamous Bartman. It took 4 and a half years, but Moises Alou finally came out and said “I WOULDN”T HAVE CAUGHT IT ANYWAY.” Nah, you don’t say? I think it has been extremely clear to everyone in the world who has eyesight that this is and always has been the case. And besides, it wasn’t that play that forced the Cubs to lose that series; it was their shoddy defense, lack of clutch pitching and a curse of a goat that got ’em. Poor Bartman did what any other baseball fan would’ve done with a foul ball coming right at him. It makes me sick that Alou is getting good press about coming clean; he should have said something when it actually mattered — when the guy was getting death threats from Wrigleyville drunkards and had to start living underground.
But this isn’t the most ridiculous Chicago Cub story of the day, no, that would go to telling Chicagoland readers that the missing link to a Cubs championship season is groundskeeper ROGER BOSSARD. According to Tribune writer Paul Sullivan:
“Five of the last seven World Series champions played on fields that Bossard either constructed or remade: the 2004 and ’07 Red Sox, the ’01 Diamondbacks, the ’06 Cardinals and the ’05 White Sox.
If Bossard’s magic touch works again, the Cubs will be dancing on their new field come October.”
Right. Forget about hitting, or pitching, or the game in general. Just resurface the field so it drains better and you got yourself a World Series ring. Brilliant.
I thank God every day that I wasn’t born a Cub fan…
…and all I ask is that you don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.