Yesterday Barbara Walters came out and admitted to having a long-time affair with former U.S. Senator Edward Brooke. It only took her 30 years to disclose, which makes the story that less exciting, but hey, she had a reputation to uphold. Now that no one cares about her anymore, I see her confession as a very smart move. There is no such thing as bad press…
Unless you’re Roger Clemens. As if using performance-enhancing drugs to get an edge and then lying to a federal grand jury wasn’t enough, it has now become known that Clemens probably had a predatory affair with a 15-year-old girl. But wait, there’s more: infamous golfer John Daly’s ex-wife, Paulette, is now accused of have having an affair with Roger too! Yikes! Drunks, cheaters and hot-heads, boy, that Paulette sure knows how to pick ’em! Coincidentally, my mother called me this afternoon to report that she too had an affair with Roger Clemens; but she was quick to point out that she ended the relationship shortly after he said “Your son throws like a girl. Let’s shoot him up.”
So all this truth-telling has moved me to disclose my dirty little secret too. I’m not proud of it; but it’s time to come clean. A few years ago, when I was at very low point in my life, I had a promiscuous relationship with a mouse. Yes, a mouse. We had a love child, and though I haven’t seen him since he was born, I keep track of all of his accomplishments through the newspaper. Here’s the only picture I have of him. No matter what distance is between us, I will always love him. He’s so cute. I think he has my ear.
And if this isn’t enough honest drama for you, the Cardinals v. Cubs series kicks off tonight. Though the managerial matchup of LaRussa v. Piniella is not as fiery and bound for mischief as LaRussa v. Baker, remember, LaRussa and Piniella have some history too. Who doesn’t remember the 1990 World Series?
Oh. No one remembers it. That’s right.
In any case, the Cards win this series AND the respect of ESPN. Okay, maybe only the first part is true, but you know what I mean.
Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.