Having been the face of the Cardinals for 8 years, I’ll admit, Jimmy Edmonds looked pretty odd in a Padres uniform. The first feeling I got upon seeing Jimmy in his San Diego duds was that of extreme sadness. I felt sorry for the guy. He didn’t look right. It was a feeling akin to walking in on your mom while she’s taking a shower — a knee-jerk reaction followed by an expletive “yikes!” followed by years and years of therapy.
But Jim Edmonds in a Cub uniform? Now that’s just plain disgusting. Sacrilege. Taboo. Seeing number 15 wearing the big “C” and blue pinstripes is like eating raw sewage, thrusting katana blades into your own abdomen and then sleeping with your sister while your guts slosh around and flop on the floor. Then the dog comes in and starts eating your… well, let’s just say:
It’s not cool.
And I’m not bitter about Edmonds being out of the St. Louis nine — not at all — but of all the places he could’ve landed… why did it have to be with the Cubs? It bothers me. It shouldn’t. It’s silly. I know. I’ve tried to talk myself out of caring, but I can’t undo years of association and brand recognition. I care! I really do! When Willie McGee was traded to Oakland and then later to the Giants in the early 90s, I didn’t care as much. Of course, I was sad and I missed him in a Cardinals uniform, but I still rooted for him and wanted him to do well because he was a hero to me. I had the same feeling with Jack Clark. Of course, neither one of them played as Cub. But I am an intelligent adult who can see past color, right? I should be able to get over this nonsense. So I turned on the Cubs/Astros game this evening and put myself to the test.
Early in the game Edmonds fouled a ball of his ankle/foot area and was hobbling around gingerly. I cheered. I’m not proud to say it, but I did: I cheered. In fact, a big smile came across my face, followed by an evil cackle and then I did a little happy dance that one of my heroes got hurt. And boy, was I disappointed when he stayed in the game. “Take him out!” I yelled at the TV. “Bean him in the head!” I demanded of Astro starter Brian Moehler. But then, in the bottom of the 4th, Edmonds shook off my invocations of malice by making an unbelievable over-the-shoulder basket catch that would make Willie Mays proud.
And what did I do?
I threw things. I screamed. I kicked. I cursed. And then I flipped over to Intervention on A&E.
Because it just didn’t look right. Like these images:
There’s absolutely nothing wrong or shameful about being possessed by the devil, playing for the wizards, boys kissing boys, or white men dancing, but for all of these individuals, it just don’t look right…
…and I would appreciate it if you don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.