Succubi and Their Attendant Pleasures

I’ve had a really difficult time getting ahold of Mr. Lung recently. Part of it may be a result of his newfound happiness since he’s on top and I’m on the bottom, a portion of it might come from his inability to manipulate mechanical devices as a result of poor blood circulation from wearing dual pinky rings but I think most of it results from a nefarious new addition to his local cable programming.

mlb_network.jpgYes, Jeff has succumbed to that tempting, nubile succubus that is the MLB Network. Just so you know how bad it has become, here’s a recent phone conversation between the two of us.

Jeff: Why are you calling me?

Allen: Uh, because I wanted to wish you a happy new year and see if you were posting today.

J: Well, I’m busy right now.

A: Of course, Jeff. I just thought it would be nice to start off the new year by talking to my friend because I wanted to see how he spent his new year’s eve.

J: Wait, what time is it? What day is it? Where am I?

A: Are you all right? Should I call an ambulance or something?

J: Shut up you ignorant fool. And leave me alone. I’m watching the MLB Network.

A: But Jeff, it hasn’t even officially gone on the air yet. They’re still just showing pictures.

J: I said shut up! I hate you! You’re not my mother!

Needless to say, it hasn’t gotten any better since then. Apparently the Network does not exist to solve arguments, it’s there to start them. For intance, last night I was subjected to a lengthy discussion of the top nine homeruns in MLB history. When I mentioned that I was really just calling so I could get his address in order to send him a birthday present, he immediately started crying, screamed “You never understood me and you never will” and then abruptly hung up phone. 

So, as we progress through this new year, I’m hopeful that the effects of this new drug will wear off. I mean, isn’t it bad enough that I’m on the bottom while Jeff has a “beautiful girlfriend”? Haven’t the gods laughed in my face enough with the football season I just had to sit through? Are the fates not satisfied now that the Steinbrenners have bought up a Kentucky Derby stable’s worth of talent? Come back, Mr. Lung! There’s life on this side of the screen, too.





  1. juliasrants

    But Allen – Carlton Fisk’s home run was ranked higher then Aaron Boone’s. YES THERE IS A BASEBALL GOD!! Oh, sorry, I’m not helping am I? Might I suggest that you send Mr. Lung a nice fruit basket. Perhaps his blood sugar is a little low.


  2. redstatebluestate


  3. Jane Heller

    Allen, do Jeff a favor and organize an intervention before his addiction to the MLB Network really takes hold. If you need us, we’re here. Day or night. Just don’t call during a rerun of Don Larsen’s perfect game.

  4. Elizabeth D.

    LOL Julia! Carlton Fisk rules!
    This is hilarious. I have to admit, I’m kind of addicted to the MLB Network too. Surprisingly enough, some of my teachers understand when I tell them: But the Hot Stove Report was on! I couldn’t do the assignment! Or the 1946 World Series recap was on! I couldn’t do it!
    And Jeff, it’s very addicting, but I’m starting to do my homework in front of the TV… slowly…

  5. allenk

    Well, I was kind of hoping that you all would read this and then organize the intervention so I wasn’t responsible. But, since that didn’t happen, how about later this afternoon, say, around 3?
    Russell, sorry to hear that the Canadians are not letting the Network in. On the bright side, you probably can find a 24 hour curling channel so there’s that.
    Julia, thanks for the suggestion. However, I decided to send Jeff a fruitcake instead. It just seemed more fitting.

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