Throw the Book at Me!

Condoleezza Rice.jpgWhat could possibly be funnier than a holocaust-denying bishop exchanging blows with an Argentinian reporter? 

I can think of many things.

Like this video, or this picture, or these fans.

But in the end, what is making my side split today is the announcement that Condoleezza Rice (what’s the second “z” for anyway?) has signed a book deal with Crown Publishers to write three — count ’em three — books detailing her tenure in the White House as well as delving into her oh-so-saucy personal life.

Crown issued this statement:

“Rice will combine candid narrative and acute analysis to tell the story
of her time in the White House and as America’s top diplomat, and her
role in protecting American security and shaping foreign policy during
the extraordinary period from 2001-2009.”

Extraordinary?  You betchya!  That was an extraordinary, poorly structured sentence!

When Crown Publishers says “candid”, what they really mean is “bullhickey” and when Crown Publishers says “acute analysis” what they really mean is “a cute anal cyst”. 

I am going on record with that.

Ah yes, the moment we have all been waiting for, my friends: the inevitable onslaught of uninteresting, embellished memoirs (see James Frey) from Bush administration cadres who would be much better off hiding under that blanket of destitution they collectively weaved over those eight long years.

What’s next?

Dick Cheney’s memoir: I Screwed Over My Own Country and Got Away with It

Donald Rumsfeld’s memoir: Blowing Up People Is Fun

Dubya’s memoir: I Am Smarter than a Fifth Grader Because I Am Way More Educationified

I suspect these tell-alls will not tell all and that they will all be as candid and truthful as an Alex Rodriguez/Katie Couric interview.

If you want the truth, read the battery of explicit facts spewed by one Jose Canseco.  He seems to be the one with all the info and up to this point, he has been the most accurate when disclosing the inner workings of a poorly policed administration.

confessions of a she_fan.jpgPlus, he knows where to get the good stuff.

Speaking of good stuff, I am and always have been a reader (how else do you think I became so intelligent?) and though I enjoy some good fiction every now and then, my true passion is reading about real life.  These days I can be found reading Jane Heller’s Confessions of a She-Fan.  My busy schedule of Cub fan hounding and John Mozeliak thrashing has allowed me to only read a little bit each day, but I can honestly say that I am thoroughly enjoying it.

And since we are all about telling the truth here at RSBS, I am not going to withhold the fact that while reading Jane’s book during my commutes on the Chicago Transit Authority, I do my absolute best to hide the chick-lit-esque cover boasting a female fan donning a Yankee cap, looking up at an invisible monster whom I can only assume is Theo Epstein.  The cover lady’s eyes are dreamy.  She’s definitely into me.  But I still force myself to cover it up.  I live in Chicago after all.  Like the rest of the blue collar cities, we hate ‘dem Yankees… don’t get me wrong, the book is great and all…

Just remember: I have an image to uphold.

Luckily, my stealth allows me to take in Confessions and really enjoy it.  And while I may not have the desire to date a Yankee, as author Jane Heller once did, I sure would not mind dating some of the Yankees’ leftovers

Believe me, that would be way more interesting than any Condoleezza Rice book.

So go ahead.  Throw the book at me; just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.




  1. AJRoxMyWhiteSox

    I would read Dubya’s book because I’m sure it’d be short and full of pictures. A perfect escape from law school textbooks where the only pictures included are the occasional portrait of some judge that ruled on something. And I recognize those signs in the image you have to uphold. 🙂

  2. redstatebluestate

    Tom, by the time you get them, you’ll need a fourth once you realize you actually purchased her books.
    Jen — Oh yes. That’s the Cell. The Joan. New Comiskey. US Cellular Field in all its concession stand glory.

  3. Jane Heller

    Thanks for spending your commute with the book, Jeff, even if you do have to hide it. I understand, although the women nearby might find you “sensitive,” even “enlightened,” if they saw you holding a chick lit cover. You just never know! And seriously, you have no interest in dating a Yankee?

  4. redstatebluestate

    Julia — I prefer to use fire.
    Jane — They find me enlightened and sensitive and then they want me to be their gay friend. See what I put myself through for you, Jane? 🙂
    DK — Karl has two; the other is called “White Boys Still Shouldn’t Dance”… see: for the awesome vid.
    BB — Thanks. We appreciate it. Sorry about the Pirates being so awful year in and year out… I think we Cardinal fans will feel that pain this year too.

  5. roundrock15

    Sheeeooooottttt…. (that’s me pretending to be an authentic Houstonian, despite the fact that I’m actually an Ohioan living in Southern California who just happens to be a life-long Astros fan)… you think YOU guys are gonna struggle? At least you have some starting pitchers that have played in this decade. Nice blog ya got here – I’ve always liked Cards fans because they can have a conversation using words with syllables, unlike Cubs fans. I still hate your face and everything you stand for, but hey! At least you know what OBP is! 😉 Finally, Jane’s book is supafly. I made a book cover out of a brown paper bag and a Sharpie, like in my ghetto grade school because my parents couldn’t afford a REAL book cover. It’s nice because it makes me look homeless – but sophisticated.

  6. PAUL

    Is there anyone who’s gonna buy and read the “Condi Trilogy”? It’s one of the great mysteries of the publishing world: WHO’S BUYING THESE BOOKS?
    I can see people purchasing Ann Coulter’s books because she writes things specifically to get people angry and “have” to read the rest of it; but there are people like that woman on Fox, Laura Ingraham (I think she’s got a man-face); and people of her ilk that are barely known, but wind up at the top of the best-seller list.
    I’m waiting for Sarah Palin’s book which should be entitled after the phrase you added in the text: “You Betcha”. And did you see her daughter’s interview? She’s a blithering idiot!! Which means she’s as qualified to be president as her mother.

  7. redstatebluestate

    Roundrock — I think our teams may be vying for that fifth place in the NL Central this year. Whoo wee what a race!
    Prince — At least Bristol admitted that abstinence isn’t realistic, even if you’re a born-again-slam-it-down-your-throat-even-if-it-doesn’t-make-any-sense-at-all Christian.

  8. roundrock15

    I’d be surprised if the Cubs and Reds didn’t finish one and two, but I’m not sold on the Brewers. A team .253 batting average last year was okay when they had Sabathia part-time and Sheets. Gallardo is impressive, but he hasn’t proven he’s at that level just yet. Personally, I think the Astros are more likely to battle Pittsburgh for 5th, and the Cards and Brewers will scrap for 3rd. But we shall see. We shall see.

  9. flairforthedramatic

    I would not be caught dead reading a book by any politician, especially not one by Condoleezza Rica [what iiis the other z for?].. so all three of her future books can count me out.
    p.s. i hope your fellow chicagoans catch you reading jane’s book and despise you lol.
    p.p.s. that 3rd link was a low blow..
    – V [ ]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s