Cub Slingin’

richard simmons cub fan.jpg

During a recent social outing, a Cub fan friend of mine (yeah, I know; I ain’t perfect, folks) mentioned how much he enjoyed RSBS now that I had seemingly lightened my unadulterated bashing and verbal vexing toward his beloved Northside team.

Upon reflection, I realized that I had indeed let my guard down… and noted that a good old Cub ego squashing was well overdue.

So in the confounded interests of being hack — carefully considering the fact that hack sells — I reluctantly invoke my inner Jeff Foxworthy in order to remind Cub fans just who they really are.  

I declare:

  • If you pop your collar, skip class and hang out at John Barleycorn with a pocketful of GHB, you might be a Cub fan.
  • If you remind Southsiders about the 1919 Black Sox scandal at least once a day, you might be a Cub fan.
  • If you think Wrigley Field is anything other than a dilapidated craphole with more falling parts than Amy Winehouse after happy hour, you might be a Cub fan.
  • If you consider urinal trough diving an official sport, you might be a Cub fan.
  • If you do not work yet can afford season tickets, you might be a Cub fan.
  • If you are my brother-in-law and you made a baby with my sister, you might be a Cub fan (thanks a lot, Patrick, for ruining the Cardinal blood line).
  • If you think the word “choke” only applies to baseball teams and has absolutely no physiological connotation at all, you might be a Cub fan.
  • If you think a baseball game is just an excuse to shotgun Old Styles and annoy anyone within ten feet, you might be a Cub fan.
  • If you think Magellan is the name of a shoe insert, you might be a Cub fan.
  • If your team’s biggest fan is an impeached corrupt politician with Lego hair, you might be a Cub fan.

And of course, the most obvious sign can only be this:

If you sincerely hate my guts, you must be a Cub fan.

Go ahead and hate.

Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

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7 comments

  1. dhacks

    Mr Jeff,
    You honor me with a link, sir. If I didnt have my lips around a Heineken Light right now (it’s been torture progressing thru the 12pack since Lebowitz confided it was “quality” brew), I’d be kissing your ring.

    Funny post, and awesome pic of Steve Stone.

    http://diamondhacks.blogspot.com/

  2. raysrenegade

    I love the urinal trough diving joke.
    There is nothing more disgusting than being downhill when a bunch of Frat boys comeinto a bath room with one of those troughs. I was lucky enough to be in the middle, but the guy near the bottom got it in his shoes.

    Wrogley has so much history, but I hate that you can also smell the history in it’s walls. But it is somewhere, like Fenway Park you have to discover once in your life, then love the sterile environment of your local soda can stadium.

    Another great blog and potential all time best with your loathing for the North-side bearboys.

    Rays Renegade

    http://raysrenegade.mlblogs.com

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