Mark Teahen Invokes His Inner Industrial Death Metal Band Persona to Cope with Royals’ Dismal Prospects

mark teahen.jpgYes, dear readers, those are the black tears of death running down the face of Kansas City Royals’ franchise juggernaut, Mark Teahen.  As a proud member of the Royals, Teahen obviously experiences a lot of down time.  So instead of wallowing away in the wasteland that is the Royals’ prospects at winning this year, Mark appears to be flirting with his death metal alter ego Marduk Two-Bagger.

In an effort to boost his fettered teammates’ moribund morale, Teahen also recorded an album featuring some quality head-thrashing tracks that aim to electrify underground metal clubs all across US America and inject fear into the ripped-out hearts of AL Central foes.  Some of the more titillating featured titles from this album are:

Skulling Tony Pena

Thrash and Mesh Gil’s Misanthropic Meche

Goliath Killed David’s DeJesus

Nequaquam Vacuums and CoCo Crisps: Eat Them and DIE!!!

and finally…

Crucify Kyle Farnsworth

Something tells me Kyle won’t have any problem doing that on his own…

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.



(Image Courtesy of the Associated Press)

*The above story is completely false… and by false I mean it’s true… in my own little fantasyland.



  1. Erin Kathleen

    Sorry, I’m still not afraid of the Royals. Horacio Ramirez is their fifth starter for chrissakes! You know who needs to be afraid though? The Vikings’ front office. For what I am about to do to them. Which is, uh, not buy tickets to any games I guess.

  2. raysrenegade

    Thank goodness Farnsworth can still bring the heat, or he would be serving the cocktails in the suites to the suits.
    I am just hoping Jose Guillen has one of his meltdown in the next 72 hours.
    When he does, he has a great season. But when he is calm after at least 3 games, he gets hurt or is a lame duck player for a month or so…….someone got kick him now!!!!

    At least the BBQ is great!

    Rays Renegade

  3. trolleydodger

    I heard the strangest thing the other day. I was discussing the Royals, who aside from being very bad, also seem to have absolutely no plan as an organization. Every year, they sign at least one semi-big free agent (Juan Cruz, Coco Crisp), but do seldom to actually improve the core of their team. They’re completely directionless.

    During this conversation, which included how the aforementioned Teahen should have been non-tendered to clear up some payroll, my friend began talking about their rotation, and he used the words “Behind Kyle Davies…” BEHIND KYLE DAVIES! I didn’t know it was possible to field a major league team with pitchers on it who were not good enough to pitch in front of Kyle Davies. That’s pretty much the bottom of the barrel right there. I don’t know how Royals fans do it; I truly don’t.

  4. redstatebluestate

    You all said it about as well as I could/should. The good news is, we still have Farnsworth to wipe our feet on. The bad news is, the Royals haven’t a clue as to how to run a ballclub… I mean, they did give Farnsy a two-year deal. In the end, Teahen is their last (and only?) saving grace.

  5. AJRoxMyWhiteSox

    The “Eat Them and DIE!!!” part is probably the best part of all the names…until you get to Kyle. I always wonder how he still has a job in the Majors. Hey, if it means more White Sox winners, he can stay in KC until he dies. Probably from eating the CoCo Crisps. Or if a Royals fan kills him first.

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