Fire at Will; Give Fred a Shot

washington nationals suck.jpgWhen a Major League Baseball team fires the majority of its relief pitching staff
and restocks it with a fresh cast of bumming bandits headlined by the
ubiquitously underachieving journeyman Kip Wells (of all waifs), you
can be certain that that team has hit its absolute rock bottom.

Congratulations, Washington Nationals!  You are the burnt toast of our nation’s capital.  We are going to eat you up.

Of course, picking on the Nationals is a lot like kicking a quadriplegic — it does get old after a while — and since my indomitably fatalistic colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, already did a good job
of slamming the organization for all its follies, I would like to
propose a more optimistic approach to gibing this laughingstock of a

manny acta.1.jpgBut first, let us agree that whether Nationals’ manager
Manny Acta is responsible for the team’s atrocious play or not is, at
this point, quite negligible; because, just like a Kyle Farnsworth
fastball to the number eight hitter, Acta is gonna be outta here
And after two miserable years and countless futile attempts at
corralling the motley crew of ex-cons, high profile free agents and
drug addicts, Acta probably won’t mind taking his rightful place in the
unemployment line.

So I — humble paragon of hope that I am —
would like to offer the D.C. brass some friendly advice on who should
replace Acta at the managerial helm.  Let’s face it: right now what the
Nationals need more than anything is a fiery, go get ’em, gnarly
skipper who won’t take crap from anyone — someone who eschews personal
dignity and goes right for the jugular! 

Mitt Romney comes to
mind.  He’s in the D.C. loop.  He’s Mormon (synonymous with “scary”). 
He supports blowing up people if they don’t agree with him, which is
evident in his recent remarks that President Obama is a “timid advocate of freedom”
for trying to conduct a sensible dialogue with Latin American leaders rather
than walking into the meetings strapped with an AK-47 and a briefcase
full of Zyklon gas. 

Then again, like the Nationals, Romney can be better summed up as a simple loser

hear George W. Bush is looking for a job.  And though he is most known
for his stints at drunk driving, mismanaging war and ignoring a city in
peril, I must admit he did do a pretty decent job during his baseball
days in Arlington.  Still, something with Dubya will always be amiss. 
He just doesn’t have the necessary flair it takes to rally a country,
let alone a hapless baseball team.

If not these men, then who,
dear readers, can lead the way?  Who has the guts, the guile, the zip, the zap, the
unadulterated masochism, the uncanny madness… who has what it takes
to whip those gutterball Nationals into a state of frenzied affirmation
and show them what real success tastes like?

There is but one answer.  One man (boy?).  His name is Fred.  And Fred is awesome.

Send Fred into the Nats’ clubhouse — just once
and I guarantee Elijah Dukes will never screw up again.  Don’t believe
me?  See the wrath of Fred (without his medication no less) for

…just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.





  1. redstatebluestate

    Melissa — Doh! Thanks for reminding me. I almost forgot! LOL.
    Jen — Totally!
    Julia — Your vote WILL count. Your country thanks you!

  2. Jane Heller

    This is weird. I almost used “Fred” instead of the “Psycho” trailer in my last post! Great minds think alike (or we have absolutely no imagination). Poor Nationals. I was hoping they’d be good this year. Or at least better.

  3. Erin Kathleen

    Fred is pretty crazy, but I don’t think he’s quite psychotic enough to be the manager of the Nats. Especially if he starts taking his meds, he’s probably kind of normal then. Ann Coulter, on the other hand, is pretty terrifying under any circumstances and would be perfect for the job.

  4. Elizabeth D.

    It’s nice that you want to help out the punching bag of the major leagues. And I just thought you should know, I learn more vocabulary reading your blog than I do in my English class. In fact, I might as well go take the SAT vocabulary section or whatever right now. Fred should be the GM of the Nationals. He has my vote. You’re right, Dukes will never screw up again.

  5. zelig888

    Elizabeth — Stick with us and you’ll find a whole new world of learning, including vocabulary since we strive to use our own, pedantic voices as frequently as possible 😉

  6. .

    Nice win yesterday, Jeff. The game started off on a good note for the Mets, but more importantly, it was very interesting between both teams. There were a ton of sweet plays made by multiple handfuls of All-Star’s on the field, but after the Cards had scored their fourth run of the game, the intensity, to me felt a bit off. The game sort of dragged on, rather than the several 1,2,3 innings that occurred. I don’t know if you felt the same as I’m just sharing some of my thoughts on it. Hopefully the Mets can tie the series up tonight, so tomorrow afternoon’s game is a challenging one. Good luck fine sir.

    – Donnie

  7. zelig888

    Touche, Tom. Touche. Natty it is!
    Donnie — That was the Mets game to lose and they DID, thanks to Oliver Perez falling apart — again. Business as usual, don’t ya think?

  8. raysrenegade

    I love the Quality Control department at Majestic jerseys. Maybe they should hire that fruit of a loom woman Inspector #12, every pair of my underwear as a kid had her little piece of paper in it. Maybe she is dead by now.
    Bet they get a great deal on the Rays World Series t-shirts too that they printed, or did those go to some third world country where a shirt is a luxury.
    I love how people have a quick answer for anything wrong any more. The Spin Doctors of the world are getting pretty good at their job now. They are offering apologies and reasons even before the dust settles any more……

    God, this country is becoming a PC-motivated conglomerate of CYA’s and Kiss my Grits.

    Rays Renegade

  9. redstatebluestate

    RR — “Cya and Kiss my Grits”… *hilarity ensues.
    Jenn — I can’t believe DC still has a team. Poor Montreal…

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