Wide and Broad is the Way to Brooklyn

brooklyn_bridge.jpgI’m a little relieved today and it’s not entirely because I found out that Tito and Jermaine are still with us. In fact, it’s not even just because the Tigers found a way to beat the increasingly pathetic Oakland Athletics. No, I’m relieved because I finally know why the US has fallen on such hard times.

See, up until now, I had been thinking that the sometimes insane drive to be bigger, faster and stronger had led to the economic downturn. It’s kind of like how the same focus created the steroid era in baseball. But it turns out that I was wrong. In reality, the economic crisis, much like Katrina, 9/11 and probably Bud Selig, is the result of something much simpler: Our immorality.

If we could just sin a little less and elect more Republicans, this whole thing would turn around in a jiffy. At least according to Oklahoma representative Sally Kern, that is. Despite the fact that Obama was elected president in large part because of the downward spiralling economy, it turns out that when he “Refused to uphold the long held tradition of past presidents in giving recognition to our National Day of Prayer,” he inadvertently set the United States on a path to economic ruin. And the only way we can turn away from this wide gate and broad way is to follow the admonitions of Ms. Kern and her cohorts.

So there you have it, dear readers. If you continue to watch HBO and use contraceptives, you have no one but yourself to blame when your 401k loses 40% of its value. And you’re probably also responsible for Barry Bonds’ enormous head because if you hadn’t continued to buy tickets, he never would have used those PEDs. Oh, and before I forget, if you’re looking to invest in some real estate, I have a bridge up in Brooklyn that you might be interested in. Let me know.





  1. Jonestein

    No, Jenn, I’m afraid I’ll have to take credit for the sin-induced economic downturn. Seems an overly-ambitious intern for “god” audited my late-seventies sin file and found that the cumalitive “admiration sins” I commited in front of the iconic Farrah poster warranted retroactive retribution to be exacted on my 401(k). The U.S. Economy was just collateral damage. Sorry, my bad.

  2. zelig888

    Haha! Jonestein, you just made me fall out of my chair laughing. Glad it was all your fault and not mine. And Jen, you better call the phone, gas, and electric companies too.

  3. juliasrants

    Damn – oh wait – I’ve just sinned more! WHAT HAVE I DONE???? I’ll just take another sip of my champagne….oh wait – alcohol?? Is that a sin too? Yes? I can see the stock market slipping another 100 points….and it is my fault!!! I will quietly retire to my chamber…alone…and pray for all our souls.


  4. phi8008

    Ohhhh it all makes sense now! That also must be why we’re in a trillion dollars of debt too, what else could it be? haha. And by the way to get back to you on your comment on my post, Rollins won’t be getting back on track anytime soon, he’s now 0 for his last 27. There’s all kinds of rumors we are trying to trade him for pitching, but we’d be lucky to get a used gym towel in exchange for him.
    http://payoffpitch.mlblogs.com/ << Just posted mid-season grades for Phils starting pitchers.

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