Don’t like Salman Rushdie’s books? Issue a fatwa allowing for his death. Don’t like the intermingling of the sexes in educational institutions? Issue a fatwa allowing for the death of those who okayed it.
I’m not saying all fatwas inspire quite such lunacy and, in fact, despite its modern connotation, a fatwa usually has more to do with the mundane elements of everyday life than anything else.
But, if you take it just a little ways past the line (or way over as in the case of the two I already mentioned), it gets your name out there and lets you make some bold statements. And since nowadays it doesn’t even appear that you have to be a recognized authority to issue a fatwa, I see that as an opening up of the field to just about anyone. With that in mind, here are my first few baseball fatwas:
Starting Kyle Farnsworth is Justification for Losing Your Franchise
Yes, I realize this affects the Tigers just as much as it does the Yankees, Cubs and Royals but at least the Tigers and Yankees never seriously considered this option. As the baseball ascetic, St. Allen of Michigan has brought to our attention many times, Farnsworth is a huge bag of suck and it’s time there were consequences.
Pink Hats Should not be Allowed Into nor Sold in Stadiums
I have mentioned this before but this is my first time codifying the decree. There is no reason to feminize the sport. If you can’t appreciate the game for what it is and need a pink hat to get you to the park, maybe it’s better if you stayed home. Pink is for cotton candy, baby girls and prom dresses, not baseball hats.
Songbirds are Unacceptable Mascots and Their Fans Deserve Ridicule
Look, there are hardcore birds like Eagles and Falcons and then there are pansy birds like Blue Jays, Orioles and Cardinals. You can try to blame it on the owner or tradition but you’re still the one wearing a fancy pigeon on your clothing. I’m even open to extending this fatwa to fans of franchises named after baby animals. Would you cheer for a team if they were called the Puppies? The why would you cheer for the Cubs? Marlins may be fish but they can put up a fight. And if you think that Rays aren’t dangerous, you might ask Steve Irwin for a second opinion.
So, there you have it. My first three baseball fatwas. Now, let the arguments in baseball jurisprudence begin.