All Teams Dissed Equally

old-man-laughing.jpgThe interwebs are a buzz about RSBS‘ propensity for picking on what seems like only a select few players/teams, for striking at those more prone to ridicule, the bottom of the baseball barrel.  We’re talking about the Kyle Farnsworths, Brad Lidges, Milton Bradleys.  We’re talking about the Chicago Cubs, Pittsburgh Pirates, Kansas City Royals.

We’re talking about easy marks.  All of them.  They are weak, addled, flawed.

But let it be know that dear readers galore have spoken; and we at RSBS are not ones to disappoint.  So here ya go, folks… a quick slanderous slaying of all 30 Major League Teams… in one minute or less (or more, depending on your reading level):

Hey, Yankees, is that Mo’nique or C.C. Sabathia?…
Boston Red Sox? More like Boston Sucks Cox!…
Dear Rays, I can’t wait until you disappoint all your new fans by letting Carl Crawford go…
Blue Jays, if you were gonna let an Italian destroy your franchise, why not give one of the Gottis a shot?…
I didn’t know the Oriole way included a sharp decline in season ticket sales…

Sorry, Twins, but you’ll never be as good as Kent Hrbek farting in George Brett’s face…
Hey Tigers, remember when people used to live in your city?…
Attending a White Sox game is a lot like attending a vocational school open house…
I think we can all agree that Charlie Sheen could make the 2010 Indians squad…
The Kansas City Royals… did I mention Kyle Farnsworth?…

Oh, sure, I love the California Los Angeles Angels of Los Aneheim California Angeles Los L.A….
The Texas Rangers: Where born again drug addicts find Jesus while not making it to the playoffs…AGAIN…
Wow, Mariners, your most famous player outside of Griffey and Ichiro is… Harold Reynolds? Seriously? Ouch…
A’s… it stands for “moneyball doesn’t work so it’s best we go back to employing known juicers”…

Dear Phillies, if the Phanatic isn’t a phag, I don’t know what mascot is…
Sorry, Marlins… if you’re not cocaine or the Dolphins, Miami doesn’t even know you’re there…
Atlanta Braves…14 straight playoff appearances and how many World Series titles?…
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Met will now be played by a corpse…
Hey, Nationals, two words for ya: Dunn’s ^ss!…

The Cardinals? The Cardinals!?! You’re… you’re… aweso– you’re… (Sorry, I can’t do it; I tried)…
For insults directed towards the Cubs, please see the 2+ years of RSBS archives
Hey, Brewers, is that Mo’nique or Prince Fielder?…
Just wait, Reds fans, two more years of Dusty Baker, and you won’t even have a pitching staff!…
Houston, we have a problem… and it’s called the Astros
Yeah, picking on the Pirates is a lot like picking on the quadriplegic fat blind kid whose parents got divorced and forgot they even had a kid…

The Dodgers‘ m.o. is: show up late, leave early, hope no one notices the messy divorce…
Ok, Rockies, Dante Bichette called, he wants his inflated numbers back…
Hey, Giants, is that Mo’nique or — nope, that’s Pablo Sandoval. He’s just fat…
Padres? Friars? Perhaps Molested Altar Boys would be more suiting, considering the amount of back-bending abuse they’ve taken from Sandy Alderson…
The Arizona Diamondbacks? More like the Arizona Diamondhacks!

Whew…

My vitriolic verbal leg sweeping knows no limit.

So don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

P.S.  The Cardinals?  Fine.  If I must.  Here.  Have fun with *THIS*.

*also thank you, Matt

21 comments

  1. raysrenegade

    Jeff,
    It is not kind to poke a sleeping dog with a stick.
    Actually I have come to terms with our financial situation and really do not see CC back here in 2011.
    If it does happen, it will the end result of a monterous 2010 campaign, or to try and win a second one.
    Seriously, most here in Tampa Bay have become quite subdued since the Rays and Crawford basically ended negoiations before the end of Spring Training.
    That sometimes can be a clear indicator of a wide gap between their numbers.
    *SIGH*

    Rays Renegade

    http://raysrenegade.mlblogs.com

  2. redstatebluestate

    RR — The Rays are a sleeping dog? I dunno about that. More like the little dog with lots of potential, trying to catch up… at least, in my opinion 🙂 Too bad about Crawford, but from what I hear this Jennings kid might even be better.
    –Jeff

  3. redstatebluestate

    Brady — Glad you like it.
    Cat — I try 🙂 Good for you on being unique!
    Mike — Fixed… and fixed 🙂
    –Jeff

  4. Beeeebzy

    I have one for the Cardinals:

    Hey, Cardinals, good job being the team no one cares about winning the World Series no one remembers.

    You’re welcome, Jeff.
    Good job on the disses. Had me laughing at work.

  5. redstatebluestate

    Hyunyoung — Thanks! Sorry about Sandy… at least y’all have moved past that now 🙂
    Beeeebzy — Ah, thanks. What, my Holliday drop reminder wasn’t insult enough? *sigh*
    Mike — Me too! I’d make a special trip even! Psst, I hear Fausto Carmona is pretty wild so who knows….
    –Jeff

  6. TribeTed

    Jeff: that one hurt.

    Yes haah we know that Charlie Sheen can make the starting lineup, but hey don’t hate on us.

    who knows, the AL Central is so bad this year, that we might actually contend. No crap huh?

    🙂 I wanna see what Allen has to say on the Cardinals.

    How about, is that Tony La Russa or wait, no that’s Tony La Russa… bummer.

  7. redstatebluestate

    Jane — Haha… well, to be honest, I just went down the list of the 2009 standings… so that’s the reason. They are in first place though still, all year long, until someone takes their title away.
    –Jeff

  8. devilabrit

    That’s it, that’s the best you could come up with the diss the Phillies…. just kidding, and I’m sure AP called to say how much he loves it when you talk dirty, or that you picked on Matt and not him, but you do lose points for over using the Mo’Nique analogy…
    ~peter
    Outside the Phillies Looking In
    http://devilabrit.mlblogs.com

  9. benross

    You can’t use the same bash for C.C. AND Prince! You could have at least said Notorious B.I.G. or Fat Albert, or Cecil Fielder! Because Prince doesn’t get along with his dad? ahhhh
    -Ben
    benross.mlblogs.com

  10. crzblue2

    Haha Jeff.
    When I went to Scottsdale to watch the Dodgers against the Giants and the Giants started leaving in the 8th, I got up and said something like “Hey everyone! Notice is the Giants fans leaving, not Dodger fans!” Got a few laughs.

    But C’mon, is a bad rap cause it happens at every stadium and then there are lots of us that stay to sing “I Love LA” after a victory. My friends and I walk out in the parking lot about the same time that Vin is leaving or other players so you know we leave way after the game is over. I am glad Vin gets a nice service of being dropped off and picked up steps from the players entrance.
    Emma
    http://myteamrivals.typepad.com/dodgers/
    http://crzblue.mlblogs.com

  11. redstatebluestate

    Peter & Ben — FYI, the re-use of the Mo’nique analogy is a well-known comedy trick attributed to Shakespeare no less. It’s called the rule of threes. The third one is the zinger. I got this under control. Peter, aren’t you a Brit? You should know this LOL.
    Greg — Thanks!
    Emma — Stereotypes exist for a reason. You’re one of the few. When I lived in LA and was going to lots of Dodgers games I used to get so upset to see the stadium half empty at first pitch but full in the 4th inning only to see it half full again by the 7th. The Dodgers need more of you!
    –Jeff

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