Being Stuck in a Philadelphia

philly statue.jpgThe symbols of relevance, the things that transform a simple it into that proverbial “it” are generally born all in the timing, and since the Birds on the Bat are stuck in a Philadelphia this week, so too am I.

And I don’t like it.

No, this has nothing to do with Philadelphia being a backwards place (it is).  It doesn’t have anything to do with the type of fans who cheer when the other teams’ star gets hurt (they do).  And of course, this does not have anything to do with that ^sswipe Jim Bunning (he really is an ^sswipe, folks).

Indeed, my suddenly emphatic aggravation with Philadelphia is rooted in one fella and one fella only.  His name is Ruben.  Ruben Effing Amaro (that middle name is still surreptitiously unofficial).

Why?  Why such distaste for one man?

ruben amaro.jpgBecause he gave a mighty slugger who is notoriously awful against left-handed pitching the contract extension of all contract extensions — a mesmerizing $25 million a year… for 2012 to 2016 — causing massive migraine headaches for we Cardinals fans already obsessively worrying about Albert Pujols’ future with the team.

Yeah.  Ryan Howard is good.  But $25 million a year?  He ain’t that good.

And anyone who has ever seen the game of baseball can tell you that Albert Pujols is LIGHT YEARS better than Ryan Howard, in all aspects of the game.  All… of… them.


So if Howard is worth $25 million a year, then Albert is worth $30-$32 million a year, which means that if I want A.P. to remain a Cardinal for life, I and the rest of Cardinals Nation better be ready to pay $100 for a bleacher ticket, or imagine a world where Albert isn’t our savior.

(That would kill me by the way)

So thanks a lot, Ruben.  Just a week ago, deep down inside, I would have admitted to having a strange yet pleasurable affinity for the Phillies.  Dick Allen.  Mike Schmidt.  Steve Carlton.  Pete Rose.  Lenny Dykstra.  Darren Daulton.  Just the thought of those guys grindin’ it out with the “P” on their caps kinda got me excited… and I have no idea why.

But now?

They’re dead to me.

And so are you.*

Hate me ‘cuz I give it to ya straight, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.



*You’re not really dead. This is what fancy writers like Al and I call “figure of speech”. It can be AWEsome. Like it is here.



  1. bklyntrolleyblogger

    Cheddar for cheap Whine….Peter, I’m going to use that!
    But I must admit, Amaro certainly threw a hockey stick into the bicycle spokes. Giving him the money with no market made yet? …Prince, Albert and Gonzo are all coming into free agency together. There was no market reason to make the deal now. It’s a strange move by Amaro. BUT we know as history is our teacher, in two years the deal will look like a bargain. This may turn out to be a bad Burrell deal all over again for Philly. This means Selig is going to have to come up with another bad idea to increase revenues. Great!

  2. redstatebluestate

    Prince — You had me laughin’ there… I think we all know where Joe Buck can go.
    Jonestein — Grazie 😉
    Mike — I think we can go ahead and say it was a terrible move by a baseball exec. Meh.
    Peter — Y’all overpaid. You’ll regret it in a few years when he’s bigger and fatter and lazier and can’t hit righties (he already can’t hit lefties). And then, you won’t be able to move him. No one — NO ONE — will take that contract. Get ready to be UNDER the Nats, Mets, Marlins and Braves in the next few years for a long, long while.

  3. devilabrit

    So AP has the most RBI’s and HR’s since Howard hit the majors… oh and here’s your CHEDDAR…~~/\~ for your cheap wHine….

    Phillies Outside

  4. crzblue2

    That was ridiculous money to Howard. And let’s hope is NOT Selig that one that is going to fix this. We need new blood for commish. haha, I too love the cheddar for your cheap wHine. Thanks Peter!

    Crzblue’s Dodger Blue World

  5. raysfanboy

    Effing hilarious. You are totally right about Howard ruining things for everybody else. I see alot of guys at the 1B spot changing teams soon because they’ll just want huge money. Really, how many 1Bmen can the Yankees have on the roster!

  6. phillies_phollowers

    Awww Jeff, that is so sad :O( Yes, I know Ruben F*ed things up for the other big hitting 1st baseman. I’d rather have Pujols than Howard, of course, but I guess we are stuck now. And even though you hate my team, I still love ya :O)


  7. redstatebluestate

    Emma — I’ll keep the cheddar 😉
    Rays Fan Boy — The big market teams (Yanks, Red Sox, Dodgers…) none of them are gonna be in the market for a big name 1B. Ruben overpaid. Period.
    Jenn — I still have no problem with the Phans… especially the nice ones like you 😉

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