Things That Are Worse than Paul Reiser…

April 25, 2011

After a mere two episodes that had the same effect as a handful of Ambien chased by a fifth of Knob Creek, Paul Reiser’s triumphant(?) return to network television lasted about as long as a Milton Bradley welcome party.

I guess this is undeniable truth that US America just isn’t mad about you, Mr. Reiser (*RIMSHOT*).

But don’t worry, Paul, there are plenty of folks out there who are WAY WORSE than you.  And of course, the RSBS interns have been working furiously to bring you the shortlist.  Shall we?

Chone Figgins
After signing a $43.5 million deal to be the ignition in an otherwise defunct offense, it only seems fitting that the fate of the Mariners took another giant step backwards as Mr. Figgins continues to be the only thing that smells worse than Pike’s Place fish market.  Last year he topped off his .259 batting average with a debilitating case of bad attitude.  This year, he seems to be on track for more of the same, only, Wakamatsu ain’t there to box the boy’s ears.  Therefore, Chone is definitely worse than Paul Reiser.

Jim Skinner
Since he is the CEO of the McDonald’s Corporation, I think it’s important that we call out Jim Skinner and everything his company stands for: taking advantage of the masses’ inferior intellect.  I don’t care what you do to the labeling, the packaging, etc., “food” that comes from McDonald’s is not f***ing good for you.  In fact, it’s killing you… it’s killing you and the rest of US America.  When I first swore off fast food (about 7 years ago) I was surprised at how my body reacted by feeling good most of the time.  After a year of zero Big Macs, I decided to give it another try.  I had a Big Mac, large fry and a Coke.  An hour later, I threw up… from both ends.  That was my body’s way of saying STOP THE INSANITY.  I did and I’ve never felt better.

Also, people are using Jim’s restaurant as a place to throw down.  Not cool.  So Jim is definitely worse than Paul Reiser.

2010 Jason Bay
This lucky (and smart) Canadian managed to work out a $73 million five-year deal with the Mets after the 2009 season.  He followed that trip to the bank by hitting 6 homeruns in 95 games, before he got hurt and missed the rest of the season. 

He was bad.  So bad that he is STILL worse than Paul Reiser.

Muammar Gaddafi
NATO wants him dead.  That doesn’t make him bad, that makes him SOOP-UH BAD… or, WORSE than Paul Reiser.

Oliver Perez
I really hate to pick on the Mets here, but, well, the Mets have done a lot of dumb things in recent years… like, y’know, pay Oliver Perez $12 million a year to throw baseballs like my athletically-challenged and oft persnickety colleague, Mr. Krause throws softballs. 

Not very good.

Of course, Ollie’s situation comes in way WORSE than Paul Reiser’s, because Ollie is STILL getting $12 million from the Mets this year, even though he’s not on the team.

All of the above are bad.  In fact, all of the above are really bad.

But they are also UNANIMOUSLY rich beyond my Joe Plumber @$$, so… the moral of the story, once again, is be bad.  Get paid.

Congrats on making the team, Paul Reiser.

Hate me ‘cuz it’s legal, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Written by Red State Blue State Posted in Dailies Tagged with Chone Figgins, Hyperbole, Interns, Jim Skinner, Libya, Mariners, McDonalds, Mets, Milton Bradley, Muammar Gaddafi, NBC, Oliver Perez, Paul Reiser, Politics, Television, War