Just like a Cub fan’s hopes for a victorious 2011 season, this is gonna be quick, probably ugly and will require more alcohol consumption than a weekend with Lindsay Lohan:
Those Damn Pirates!
By now, everyone on the planet with the barest inkling of baseball acumen is amazed, flabbergasted and floored that, going into the weekend before the All Star Game, the Pittsburgh Pirates have a winning record. While a lot of folks find that to be pretty swell, I find it to be a major pain in the @$$, because now half of my jokes aren’t even relevant. Thanks a lot, Clint Hurdle. At least, there’s always Bachmann… and Palin… and Beck… and, okay, nevermind, everything’s cool.
The RSBS interns recently handed me a report that suggests White Sox outfielder, Juan Pierre, could very well be an RSBS dear reader galore. In fact, after our very own schlumbach, Johanna Mahmud, went off on a Charlie Sheenian rant slamming the aging speedster, all Pierre did was go 11 for 31 with 2 doubles, 7 RBIs and act as the game winning hero THREE GAMES IN A ROW. To even hint that J.P. is in the same class of awful as Chone Figgins and Raul Ibanez should be a crime. So, next time I see Mr. Mahmud, I’m gonna shoot his eyes with Sriracha and cut off his supply of Goldfish crackers.
Ernie Has Lost His Mind!
Chicago Cubs Hall of Famer, Ernie Banks, was recently quoted as saying the following about current Cubs shortstop, Starlin Castro:
“He’s a great player. He can hit, he can throw. He’s a good young player. He’s better than me.”
*HEAD TWISTS AROUND ITSELF, EYES POP OUT, TONGUE RENDERED USELESS*
Look, the kid is good. But he’s like 10 years old and is baseball stupid. He makes mistakes… all the time! I hope this isn’t a sign that Banks isn’t all there. For a team that doesn’t have much to feel good about, at least they can always feel good about Mr. Cub — that is, until he loses his mind, which may have already happened…
Happy Friday! Call a cab! It’s easy!