I can’t eat.
I can’t sleep.
Thank you, St. Louis Cardinals.
And he was — just fine, raised from the dead and all — until he was left in a little too long and he started to show weakness: a crumbling arm. And Tony, with little else to fall back on, because Mozeliak won’t make a deal for some relief, left him in.
I, as a St. Louis Cardinal fan and devoted US American, refuse to accept this surface steaming idealogical concept that we can survive on our own, without making a deal. We’re up against the free-spending Cubs and Brewers! Get your act together, Mr. Mozeliak! You’re looking a lot like sit-on-my-^ss-while-I-read-a-story-book-GW Bush during the greatest tragedy of our time!
I wrote an editorial on my dissatisfaction with the Cardinals’ front office and submitted it to the New York Times; however, they rejected it on the basis that it wasn’t controversial enough — not enough T&A — and it had nothing to do with the Yankees, the Mets, A-Rod nor Madonna.
So much for being the world leader in print news, New York Times. For that I offer you a great big RSBS “EAT IT!”
And no, you may not hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Ah, yes, we humans can be quite the dreamers sometimes. I know I can. I won’t tell you about my most recent dream (believe me, you’d thank me if you could) but I would like to take the time to call out others on their misconstrued fantasies regarding the happenings in the world. On this day in particular — as is usually the case — there is no shortage of ridiculous thoughts, imaginations and pipedreams circulating the baseball-politico world.
Thankfully, these make-believe ideas have not breached the walls of my psyche. It hasn’t been easy staving off the onslaught of fans seeking a glimpse of glory, but I’m proud to say that, for this night, I’ve evaded the paparazzi, locked the doors and shut all the windows. I am safe. And as a stand-up man who speaks for intelligent US Americans around the globe, let me begin by saying that it is a complete pipedream that…
The MLB All-Star Game Is Anything But a Popularity Contest
I know, I know… same story, different year. Seriously though? If “this time it counts” continues to be the theme, the goal, the prize, then why leave it up to a bunch of numbnuts (the American Public — yeah, I said it; they voted for Dubya twice) to decide who should start this pivotal game? How do we do it? Here’s how: don’t let Yankees and Red Sox fans vote. And Florida — the entire state of Florida should not be able to vote… just for fun and because they kind of deserve that punishment. If I’m Terry Francona, and I have even a remote chance of managing in the World Series, I want Jermaine Dye on my team.
It is also an absolute pipedream that…
John McCain Could Balance the Budget By the End of His First Term
This is actually two pipedreams: 1) that he could indeed balance the budget and 2) that he would ever have a first term. Here’s the thing, how are we US Americans supposed to believe we could balance the budget by pouring more money, more resources, more troops into Iraq for another 100 years? We’ve already spent over 500 billion dollars in Iraq since 2002 and lost over 4,000 service men and women. How high will that number go over the next 100 years? And how would we do it when Maliki & Co. want us OUT!?!
Speaking of lunacy, it is also a complete pipedream that…
Rich Harden Will Bring the Cubs a World Series Championship
I know you guys want to believe it. I know you do. You won’t shut up about it. You pretend that the Cardinals aren’t right on your tails. You pretend the Southsiders don’t exist. You actually believe that “this is your year”. Well, it ain’t. And this so-called blockbluster trade proves it. Let me tell ya something: Billy Beane doesn’t trade away a guy unless there’s something wrong with him (see Mark Mulder, Tim Hudson, Barry Zito). There’s something wrong with Harden. I don’t know what it is yet; but I will. I hear that there is a very strong possibility that it involves a goat.
So yeah… it is also an absolute pipedream that…
Obamacons Actually Exist
Like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and a sober Amy Winehouse, these dreamed-up conservative supporters of Barack Obama aren’t real. Hallmark is busy making up a holiday for them to star in.
Yes. It’s true. And it is also a complete pipedream that…
Alex Rodriquez Will Ever Stay Out of the Tabloids
He’s the best there is at what he does. He’s good looking. He’s into Kabbalah. That’s really all I have to say about that. This is just an excuse to post his picture. I don’t know if you, dear reader, are aware, but RSBS has quite a diverse following: whites, blacks, men, women, Chinese, Japanese and yes, even gays. In fact, I have been pestered by the homosexual community to post more pictures of A-Rod and other cute guys. So here you go, fellas:
Barack Obama Is a Flip-Flopper
Just not true. I know, I know… the Republicans have used this strategy before with much success (see John Kerry, Al Gore) so it makes perfect sense why they would pull it out again; however, this is Barack Obama we’re talking about here. It has been his position since the beginning of the campaign to begin a controlled withdrawal of combat brigades in Iraq. To all you flip-flop-mongering hope-squashing old-hat-wearing Republicans, here’s a great big RSBS EAT IT!
While you’re eating it, please know that it is also an absolute pipedream that…
Kosuke Fukodome Should Be a Starter In the All-Star Game
Soto? Yes. Soriano? Yeah, sure. Fine. Fukudome? No. And here’s why: his line isn’t nearly as good as those who got snubbed completely. Compare his line against those of Corey Hart, Rick Ankiel, Aaron Rowand. I find it very ironic that a fan base that used racial slurs and stereotypes to “welcome” their foreign star stumped the voting booths to make him a starter. So is the way of the Cub fan…
And let me tell ya, it is
also a complete pipedream that…
Anyone Will Care About What John McCain Has to Say at the Republican Convention When the ‘Skins Battle the Giants in an Exciting NFL Opening Night Showdown!
Are you ready for some football?!?
And if that doesn’t get you excited, let me inform you that it’s also a complete pipedream that…
This Randy Johnson Destroying a Bird with a Baseball Video Will Ever Get Old
And really folks, I know it’s an absolute pipedream that…
I’m Anywhere Close to Being Angelic
However, pictures don’t lie and this random shot taken of me in the wee hours of the July 4th morning clearly shows illuminated wings protruding from my back. Say what you will about it, but I’m pretty convinced that I have the whole Michael Landon Highway To Heaven thing goin’ on here.
By the way, the tough guy in the lower left is my Turkish bodyguard Omar; so don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right or I’ll tell him where you live.
Okay, Mr. Krause. You said your answer was simple, but in fact, it wasn’t. Spoken like a true politickin’ politician, you pulled the ‘ole ‘leave the answer up to the reader’ move. Nice job. Passing the buck has never appeared so graceful.
The right answer is: Shawn Chacon is replaceable. Blackball the guy, turn your back on him, punch him in the nuts, whatever — anyone who behaves like that doesn’t deserve the opportunity to play baseball at the Major League level and doesn’t deserve to make Major League dollar$. If I physically attacked my boss at work tomorrow I’m pretty sure word would get around (after I’m fired) to those in the Asian art world that I was bad news. No way I’d get a job in the industry again and I wouldn’t deserve it if I did.
If someone like Alex Rodriguez or Albert Pujols attacks his GM (neither ever would), I could entertain the idea of giving him a second chance based only on the idea that there is no replacing an Alex Rodriguez or an Albert Pujols. But Shawn Chacon? A paragon of mediocrity? No way. I can’t wait to pull into a Texas service station and have him rotate my tires.
But who cares anyway? Much more exciting things in the news today…
Like Kyle Lohse’s outstanding ESPN primetime performance against the now below-.500 Manuel-era Mets. Lohse has been an absolute stud this season. Everyone credits Dave Duncan — as they should — but Lohse must get props for putting the plan into action. Speaking of Dunc, I’m pretty sure Orel Hershiser was getting mad wood every time he brought up Dave Duncan during the ESPN telecast, which seemed to be every home inning. It’s okay. I was getting the same reaction.
And there was a lot of reaction from the sore-losing Northsiders in the Loop today. Hey, all you loser sCrUB fans who gave me hell last weekend — who refused to answer my phone calls, emails, text messages during the Southside whoopin’ ya’ll took this weekend, I got two words for you: EAT IT!
I feel better now.
And so does Nick Swisher… and Jim Thome, obviously. Don’t look now, but these two streaky hitters are getting hot and there’s no limit to the damage they can do in tandem alongside Quentin and Dye. Look out world, look out.
Now that the Windy City (Crosstown) Classic is over, and we’re all even, I think it’s time to pay homage to the absolute worst commercial in the history of Chicago. Leave it to Chevrolet to think it’d be really awesome for an old Italian and an aging Latino to perform a rap song about baseball in the Second City. Not since Puff Daddy and Mase destroyed the legendary memory of Biggie has the music world seen such an abomination of a duo.
In case you missed it, or in case you don’t live in Chicago, here it is. I’m just warning you: Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right:
The buzz during opening week revolved around the Tigers’ abysmal start, the Royals’ surprising young talent, the late inning heroics of the Nationals and Pirates and Dodgers, clutch pitching performances in St. Louis and Cincinnati, key injuries in the NL East and business as usual in the AL East. With these early season surprises and subsequent hype, which MLB division is the strongest, most competitive, must-watch division overall this year?
Well, since I’ve been so busy watching American Idol and trying to save the world, I haven’t had much of a chance to follow all these story lines. And honestly, who cares about the National League? Small ball and pitchers who bat? Sounds like gay porn to me. So, I guess I’ll talk about the only thing I might know something about. No, not US foreign policy since the time of Jefferson. The AL Central.
I will say it now and I will continue to say it all year long. The AL Central is the division to watch this season. The Tigers, once they figure out how to win a game, are going to be unstoppable. The Tribe is ready to go once again. The White Sox are a much improved team since last year. The Twins always find a way to keep themselves in the race. And even KC is looking like they might have a better run in the spoiler role. So, once you take a look around the MLB universe and realize how many bad teams there are in the other divisions, you have to be excited about the AL Central. There isn’t a true dud in the bunch and this thing could be a legitimate 4 team race right down to the wire.
I should put in a plug here for my dislike of the AL East and my hope that all of its teams fall off the face of the earth. Well, Toronto can stick around because I’d hate to disparage our Canadian friends. And I’d like to catch a game at Camden this season so I guess the O’s are safe, too. However, the Rays, Red Stockings and Evil Empire can all just disappear and the world would be a better place. This is a division so narcissistic that a news frenzy has emerged from the hawk attack on Alexa Rodriguez at Fenway this past week. Really? The enmity between these two teams is so great that even the animal kingdom has picked sides? Perhaps this also explains why a ray attacked and killed Steve Irwin last year. It was just pissed because it thought he was a Yankees fan. Seriously, y’all need to get over yourselves. Real baseball happens in the fly-over states and that’s where my attention will be all season long. When I’m not out saving the world, of course.