Tagged: Allison Stokke

2008: Rest In Peace (Part I)

RSBS_Mlb.made.LOGO.jpgStill pissed off that Santa didn’t bring me the one thing I wanted most this year (a competent General Manager running the St. Louis Cardinals), I have little choice but to fully embrace the intangible magic of humility.  In doing so, I have decided to channel the tenacity of my bitterness and turn it into sincere, reflective admiration for all that has been accomplished here at RSBS this year.

Not only did we create a unique baseball-politico universe full of hyperbolic criticism and satirically erratic fandom, we also had the good fortune of being surrounded by fabulously smart and like-minded baseball nuts with passionate political views within the MLBlogosphere.

Indeed, in 2008, we saw dreams come true; we saw corruption, glory, beauty, heartbreak, Cinderella, more corruption, more beauty and more heartbreak.  We saw it.  We reported it.  We ripped it to shreds.

In honor of RSBS‘ rapturous reportage, babbling blabberings and partisan posts, I have pulled out the top three 2008 RSBS entries written by that misguided Tiger fan you have all learned to feel sorry for… the one and only Mr. Allen Krause. 

The 1st Runner-Up:

Diversionary Tactics — September 18, 2008
A fat incompetent college football coach, a Broadway musical composer and an old Topps baseball card featuring a solid porn mustache have never made such sweet, sweet love.

The Runner-Up:

Golden Parachutes — December 10, 2008
Hip, Sexy, Current… these three words don’t just sound like a hit NBC mini-series; they also describe the tone of this well-written commentary exploring the ins and outs of our ever-failing government, the ever-declining mystique of Detroit sports franchises and the ever-growing… well, fellas, you know what I’m tryin’ to say… (*Ladies, please ignore that last line 😉

…and the Winner is:

Allen’s Post-Partisan Playoff Preview — October 1, 2008
Hardly known for his loquaciousness, Mr. Krause really put it to dear readers galore with this existentialist exercise in post-modern fantasy capped off by… well… by being RIGHT.  Fine tuned to the unique political and social caricatures of our dear elected leaders, my colleague done me proud with this little ditty of a post — so much so that I… well… I peed a little from all the excitement.

Go ahead, hate me, folks.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Humble Handshakes & Fiery Fistbumps: RSBS from the Top

obama fist bump.jpgVenerable MLBlogocrat and de facto Dear Leader, Mark Newman, announced yesterday that Red State Blue State sits atop the 2008 MLBlogosphere as the number one fan blog in the… well… in the entire universe.  With that, I’d like to say that Kanye West is full of crap. 

It ain’t lonely at the top.

Because this honor would not have been possible without you, Dear Readers.  Ravenously hungry for the special RSBS blend of baseball and politics only available through the uncensored blabberings of me and my colleague, the oft jaded Mr. Allen Krause, we humbly tip our hats to you for making this dream a reality.

In lieu of this special occasion, I, personally, would like to take a moment and sincerely thank each and every one of you in the MLBlogosphere: the bloggers, the commentors, the administrators, the techie nerds behind the curtain and of course MLB.com

Any regular RSBS patron knows that our unique brand of blasphemy and argumentative analysis would simply not be possible without all of the above.

In addition, I would also like to thank:

Mom — for birthing me and everything else 😉
The St. Louis Cardinals — for giving me a reason to live every spring
The Chicago Whitesox — for being in my neighborhood and luring me in with Connie’s pizza
Dad — for teaching me that I didn’t have to become a Major Leaguer to be successful (though it would’ve certainly helped)
The Chicago Cubs — for dreaming the impossible dream and providing blog fodder galore
Barack Obama — for convincing people that “Yes, We Can”
2007 Ms. Teen South Carolina — for being my US American muse
The Prince of New York — for being my must-read blog of the day, every day
Allison Stokke — for being hot

…and finally…

Mr. Allen Krause — for being a dear friend willing to take my hyperbolic haymakers and verbal vanquishings without being too much of a baby about it.

Recent news has shown us that, indeed, Lord Acton was right: “Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

But you don’t have to worry about us… we’re just a couple of twelve-year olds trapped in thirty-year old bodies who don’t have the know-how to wield power or even consider being corrupt. 

We love baseball.

And when you really think about it, isn’t that enough?

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Fire Sales and Ball Busters

Since I am not the same erudite fount of loquaciousness as my friend Mr. Lung, I’m going to keep this brief. Really, all I have is two questions.

farnsworth cries.jpgNumber one, when did the Padres become the Florida Marlins? At least the Marlins won a couple championships before their fire sales. Seriously guys, Jake Peavy and Khalil Greene? I prefer to look on the bright side with this, though. What I’m hoping is that the Padres will decide to replenish by adding some dead weight from the Tigers. No more Trevor Hoffman? How about some Kyle Farnsworth in lieue? Too bad Renteria is already heading to San Fran or you could have him, too.

The other although no less important question is, how does a search for “wemen” in any form lead back to this blog? I’ll grant you that we talk a lot about women. Erin Andrews, Alison Stokke, Hillary Clinton. All three of these names receive a lot of press in the baseball/political forum that is RSBS. But wemen? I don’t know even know what that means.

gong_li.jpgNow, I have no answer for the first question although I hope that my scenario plays out because I really can’t stand the thought of Farnsworth coming out of the Detroit bullpen with tears in his eyes all next season. The second question needs a little more thought, though, mainly because of what these “wemen” are doing.

Why do people come here looking for men being hit in the balls? Granted, Jeff and I may bust each others’ balls from time to time but hitting them is another matter all together. That’s just wrong.

But the more important piece of this keyword search enigma is the “Attractive Chinese Wemen” aspect, namely, where are they and why was I not made aware of this? If there are attractive Chinese females being hidden within the RSBS universe, I feel I should be privy to this information. So, Mr. Lung, time to come clean, eh? No more secrets. Otherwise, I might have to send some of these “wemen” after your balls.

-A

Freakazoids & Oddities: The Always Venerable, Mostly Searchable RSBS

ruler.jpgFor the record, Dear Readers, I am only one and three quarters of an inch shorter than my self-aggrandizing friend and normally trustworthy colleague, Mr. Allen Krause — not “a lot shorter” as he so vainly suggested in his most recent post.  Inches, mere inches, I really am not one to be fraught over inches.  In so being, I would like to extend the arm of peace to my friend by quoting Rebecca West when I say Mr. Krause “is every other inch a gentleman.”

Touché.

And with that bit of business out of the way, I would now like to take this opportunity to ignore the Cardinals’ recent acquisition of Khalil Greene.  Why?  Why would I disregard such a move that even I admit looks to be beneficial for the 2009 squad?  Because of Trever Miller, that’s why.  The addition of Miller to the bullpen is supposed to make me feel better, Mr. Mozeliak?  Hardly.  Give me Brian Fuentes.  Give me J.J. Putz.  Give me a real closer.  Give me something!

Bah!

freakazoid.jpgLet’s look at something more interesting… like the freakazoids who inhabit this planet.  Not satisfied with your everyday sports memorabilia?  How about you get on eBay and buy some game-worn underwear soiled by your favorite superstars Alex Rodriguez, Josh Beckett and Kevin Youkilis?

No?  Perhaps you’d like to make a deal with the devil herself and get behind the liberal head-hunting train, because, in her opinion, it’s your duty as an US American to hope your new administration fails.  Duh.  Of course, Ms. Coulter’s got it right: nothing’s more American than hoping your American brethren suffer beyond measure. 

If that’s not enough freak for ya, how about taking a look at Markus Ruhl?  Look, I know PEDs are back in the baseball news, but let’s try to avoid images like that in the future, shall we?

But folks, this is just a small sampling of the oddities gnawing at my corrigible conscious.  The recently acquired RSBS staff (graciously borrowed from Russell at Arizona via Slough who seems to have gone on an extended vacation) has gone through the StatCounter files and found quite the eclectic collection of keyword searches leading the masses to the hallowed pages of RSBS.  There are a slew of nutball examples, but I’ve pulled my five favorites for your viewing pleasure:

“Allison Stokke Drunk”

Okay, okay.  I get it.  She’s hot.  Unattainable even.  So you think you gotta get her drunk first to have a shot.  Well, she could be lying dead in the middle of a desert and you still don’t have a shot, Sicko!

“Wemen Hitting Mens Balls”

Hmm.  Alright, let’s pretend that the spelling error doesn’t exist — that this is just a case of a concerned individual who wants to know how women should go about hitting men’s balls.  Hmm.  Nah, still doesn’t make any sense.

“Kwame Kilpatrick In Cuffs Picture”
Right on, brother.  Right on.  Detroit has never been more proud.

“Obama Sox”

Yep.  I feel ya.  I voted for him just because he’s from my neighborhood too.  Well, that and it was the right thing to do.

And finally…

“Attractive Chinese Wemen”
Whoa!  How did you know?  Oh, and also, a word of advice: you might want to learn how to spell “women” before you start looking for them on the internet.

I know this — from experience. 

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Not Quite a League of Her Own, But Progress Nonetheless

eri yoshida.jpg

Sixteen-year-old Eri Yoshida, a knuckleball throwin’ femme phenom, recently became the first woman ever drafted in the Japanese Professional Baseball League — which would most probably make her the first professional female baseball player in an all-male league (I think; our staff is working on this one).

Eri, a studious highschooler with a keen eye for Red Sox geriatric Tim Wakefield and his trademark knuckleballing mechanics, has proven herself quite the asset amongst her male counterparts and thus looks forward to breaking in as a rookie with the Kobe 9 Cruise this spring.

In lieu of these developments, we at RSBS (namely Me) would like to take a moment to congratulate Eri Yoshida on her groundbreaking achievement by memorializing the trailblazing feats of women sports icons both past and present because… well, because we can and we should.

And we will.

Helene Robison Britton

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Inheriting the St. Louis Cardinals from her uncle, Stanley Robison, in 1911, Ms. Britton broke ground as the first woman in the history of the world to own a Major League Baseball club.  During her six year reign at the top of the Cardinals organization, the team managed an average winning percentage of .441, a number which — in a round about world — popped up again in 2008 as the batting average for hitters facing the Cardinals bullpen. 

Hillary Clinton

Hillary_cubs.jpg

Okay, so she’s not much of an athlete, but she sure knows how to piss a lot of people off with her baseball-related antics.  Sen. Clinton’s meandering baseball allegiances have long been the seed of the People’s frustration.  America may not see in just black and white anymore, but we die-hard baseball fans tend to be staunch conservatives when it comes to flagrantly waving about one’s fan preference.  Don’t get me wrong: I sincerely respect Senator Clinton.  She had a great run and she would’ve gotten my vote if the desire for change in Washington wasn’t burning so strong in my heart.  I voted for that change.  And how am I (and all US Americans) being rewarded?  By seeing the same old Washington insiders posted in the highest offices under the President.

Excuse me while I go stab myself.

Erin Andrews

erin.andrews.jpg

Super hot woman who knows more about sports than I do?  Not much else to say.

Sarah Palin

sarah_palin.jpg

Now that the dust has somewhat settled, let me commend Gov. Palin on being the laughingstock of modern politics.  Not quite the Dan Quayle Potato-Head, still, she provided plenty a laugh throughout the campaign.  She’s worthy of commendation because she stuck it out and never got too rattled (unless you count that Katie Couric interview, SNL, et al).  As an avid hunter, basketball player and all around “hot mamma”, I bet she’d be a pretty sturdy fireballer on the mound late in a game.  The Cardinals need some bullpen help.  I’m just sayin’…

Allison Stokke

Allison.Stokke.jpg

*Drool… drool… drool… 

What?  She didn’t make the Olympics?  She doesn’t play baseball?  Do I even care?

Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Speaking of Losers…

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for loser.jpgJust when I thought the Chicago Cubs had genuinely forgotten how to lose this season they surprised me and went on a well-deserved five-game losing streak.  For the last several days, seeing them falter to the festering Phils and resurgent Astros, I have been reminded that indeed: they are still the Cubs.  And losing Carlos Zambrano for a stretch due to rotator cuff tendinitis sure won’t help their case to win the Central.

Now, am I willing to go there and say there’s a chance they could continue on this hapless streak, not win the Central and miss the playoffs entirely?  Not on your life, dear reader.  I’d like to have the guile to say that, but I’m just not that dumb.  I’ve been watching this team destroy my worldview all year long and I don’t expect them to stop until they reach the playoffs. 

Just set your clocks for them losing in the first round.

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for kwame kilpatrick.jpgAnd since we’re on the topic of losers, let me add to the list that my not-exactly-humble colleague, Allen Krause, so graciously offered

As a head-in-the-sand Tiger fan, I’m sure Mr. Krause will appreciate the losership of one Detroit ex-Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and his likely fall from power.  Now I have bashed Kwame for his idiocy in the past, but I must admit how impressed I am that he was able to get those charges (perjury, assault, etc) dropped to just a couple counts of obstruction of justice.  I guess when you’re that big and that scary looking you can get away with being an ^sshole — just ask Roger Clemens.

Or ask his former team, the New York Yankees, who are vying for the top spot in disappointing loserdom this season.  While the curtain hasn’t made its final descent on the Yankee stage, you can be sure that the damn thing is on fire and burning into oblivion, as are the hopes and dreams of a Yankee post-season appearance.  The Prince of New York has done them in — read article — and so have I. 

There.  I just did it. 

Did you see that?

carlos quentin.jpgNo?  Okay, well, did you see that White Sox sensation Carlos Quentin is out with a wrist injury for an undetermined amount of time?  If you’re a Sox fan, this is not good news and you should be invoking the baseball gods for Ken Griffey, Jr. to return back to his 1997 form right now.  Give up your first born… eat a cat… whatever, you gotta do something.  And let me tell ya, the worst amount of time to be out of the lineup is an ‘undetermined amount of time.’  I had a girl tell me that she wanted to see other people for an ‘undetermined amount of time’ and that didn’t go so well.

But let me tell you about the loser in Jordan — yes, that’s right, the country: The Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan —  who did a Yahoo! search for:

“what outlandish mean you are red white and blue”

…and was lucky enough to find the RSBS blog as the first site to pop up.

Gee, that guy was probably all excited to find some US Americans to hate on but instead what he found was a plethora of ingenious posts written by two well-spoken, edumacated MLBloggers with the propensity to post pictures of pretty, powerful, secular women whom would never be invited to serve as one of the seventy-two virgins.

Ouch.  Don’t hate me on that one ‘cuz you know I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Polymathic Ponderings

the thinker.jpgEver since the accident (see comments), I’ve been having difficulty focusing my thoughts; but don’t worry.  I will still find a way to express them in a brilliant, informative manner as is always expected here at RSBS.  I am many things, but a quitter without an opinion I am not. 

So…

Picture it: October 2008.  The first round of the MLB playoffs are in full stride and not a Red Sox or Yankee is anywhere to be found.  Yes.  It could happen, folks.  For the first time in recent memory, both the Yankees and the Red Sox may find themselves sitting out during the important games.  The Rays and Angels look to be locks and it seems that the Twins and White Sox are in a tussle for the other two spots in the AL.  I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but it’s hard to dismiss the possibility.  Think of the chaos, the madness, the tantrums that would follow.  At least emergency rooms in the northeast would be more quiet than usual. 

Imagine my horror.  Finally over the disappointment of not being able to see Allison Stokke vault her majesty in the Olympic games, I found myself settling on Swedish hurdler Susanna Kallur to satisfy my propensity for body-gazing during female competitions.  Yes.  My mind was made up.  She was going to be the one.  And then she knocked down the very first hurdle, fell to the ground and didn’t finish the race, further proving my theory that the combination of beauty and athletic prowess is more rare than me having somewhere to go on a Saturday night.

susanna kallur 2.jpg
susanna kallur.jpg
Envision the face of Barack Obama’s Vice President.  Is it male?  Female?  White?  Black? (doubt it)  Latino? (double-doubt it)  In any case, we should know soon and I have a feeling it will be someone whom we never even thought of.  (No, silly, it won’t be me.  I’m too busy blogging and raising cain, but thanks for the thought).

Think about it.  Wouldn’t that USA/China baseball spat have been more exciting and more newsworthy if some real punches had been thrown?  Look, I get it.  The Olympics is all about class and sportsmanship but this isn’t the floor exercise we’re talking about here: this is baseballOur sport.  Our way.  And we fight.  Robin Ventura, Nolan Ryan, Michael Barrett, A.J. Pierzynski… those guys would have tore heads off — they would’ve brought bloody pride to the Red, White and Blue.  A knockdown at home plate, some bean balls here and there… jeesh.  I was really disappointed.

See the world the way my colleague Allen Krause sees it and see a world that revolves around the wonders and blunders of one irksome Venezuela.  Yes, dear readers, I ask the same question you do: What the hell is up with all of these Venezuela postsThis one and this one and this one… I understand that Venezuela is quickly rising the ranks to be the proverbial pebble in US America’s shoe, but come on… Mr. Krause is talking about the degrees of handsomeness between Miguel Cabrera, Magglio Ordonez and Ozzie Guillen.  That’s crazy.  That’s just plain crazy

And you know it’s crazy.  You know you’ve had enough.  And you know there’s no reason to hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy