What playoff pitcher would you least want to face?
I may have mentioned this before but I write about baseball because of how poorly I play. I wasn’t terrible in the field but I couldn’t even hit those 45 MPH fastballs that kids were throwing in 6th grade. I could blame the astigmatism or my parents for the genes that created these terrible eyes but the fact of the matter is that I just can’t hit.
So when it comes to facing any playoff pitcher I have to say that I’d prefer to not be up against any of them. I guess Aroldis Chapman might be the scariest because I don’t even want to know what a 105 MPH fastball looks like. The fact of the matter is, I’m pretty sure I’d strike out bunting against any starter or reliever on any of the eight playoff teams.
But wait. Maybe there is one guy I wouldn’t mind going up against. If the Braves can pull it together, that means my old buddy Kyle Farnsworth will be along for the ride. Hey, it’s not my fault they decided to go out and repeat that mistake. And I’ll bet you good money that he’ll end up burning them in the postseason. I’d still go there, though.
Here’s the thing. Chances are that Farnsworth would smoke me. He’s a professional being paid way too much money for something that he doesn’t do as well as he should. If he can’t put it by me, he’s a bum. And if he does, he’s still a bum. I’m a 31 year old desk jockey. What business do I have facing down a professional athlete? Yeah, that’s the one guy I would like to go up against.
I think the chances of MLB inviting me in to face a big-league pitcher are pretty slim. I’m also not really sure if the results would be more embarrassing to me or the league. But if they feel like pulling in Farnsy for a few pitches, I’m all there.
In fact, I’ll even sweeten the pot a little. If you make this happen and Farnsworth can put ten strikes by me without my even touching them, I’ll never write another word about him in these pages. If I can get the bat on just one of them, even just barely nicking it, I get his salary for the week. And if I put one in play, he has to quit baseball forever. Now that sounds like a pretty good contest to me.
What do you say, Mr. Farnsworth?
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***Pictures of Farnsworth begging Jason Heyward for an autograph “for my kids” also welcome. Yeah right, Farnsy. Nice try.
One of the most peculiar realms of science is understanding what exactly goes on inside of a black hole (and no, folks, we ain’t talkin’ about the vile emitting from Milton Bradley’s mouth). Widely understood as a “deformation of spacetime caused by a very compact mass” — an area from which nothing can escape the immense gravitational pull of its center — black holes are like the underground club scene of the cosmos: all kinds of weird s*** can happen… and does!
To me, the most interesting aspect of a black hole lies at its very center, past the event horizon, down the rabbit hole, settling on an infinitesimal point known as the singularity. If you were unfortunate enough to be sucked into a black hole and lucky enough to survive the trip down its core, by the time you reached the singularity you would surely be a shredded mess, the result of being filleted by the strongest forces theorized by the human mind.
But boy would it be an exciting death!
The oddest thing about the singularity is that once we start working in and around that point, we realize that the laws of physics become completely erroneous and unnecessary. That’s right, dear readers, when you get to the singularity, Einstein’s theory of general relativity makes no sense at all.
And while black holes and their singularities may be intangible to us from our terrestrial vantage point, if you look around you today you will see all sorts of things that could cause one to think we may be close to such a singularity — a place where what we see is so shocking, so odd, so perplexing that it just doesn’t make sense…
The Good Guys Win: Joe Mauer
Twins fans were so afraid they would lose their hometown hero to the evil chops of the Yankees and the Yankees 2.0 that doomsday scenarios and flat-out decrees of apostasy had already been accepted as fact. But in the end, the Twins had to sign Joe — for the sake of their new stadium and for the sake of their fans. And they did, for a very reasonable price. Oh, and by the way, the Twins are not a small-market team, so this situation is getting even more black-holish by the minute!
Liberal US Americans Actually Accomplish Something
After eight long years of maddening sound bytes, phantom wars against phantom enemies for phantom purposes and an all-out assault on reason, the liberal majority in the House got together and passed a health care bill that might actually work. Oh yeah, sure, not everyone is happy about it and the most concerning aspect is how we’re going to pay for it; but, in my opinion, the sheer fact that you won’t be financially punished for being sick anymore indicates a huge step forward. And besides, since when do US Americans care about national debt? Here, in the great state of Illinois, for as long as I can remember, the political machine has been borrowing money from the FUTURE to pay for current projects. I hear that Illinois is rich in the future, so I’m gonna see if I can get in on that too. I need a Lamborghini.
Exciting News Out of Cincinnati Reds Camp
You have to go back quite a few years to find anything worth anticipating from the Reds in March, but this year is different. Under the wise hand of former Cardinal front office legend Walt Jocketty, Cincinnati signed Cuban defector Aroldis Chapman during the offseason, hoping he would live up to his international hype. And boy does he! Thought by many to be an ace-caliber pitcher going into this season, Reds fans have a whole lot to be excited about for a change… of course, that is… until Dusty Baker blows out his arm and ruins his career.
Hate me ‘cuz I test the limits of physics, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.