Although the Japanese no longer provide the same nightmare fodder that they did in the early 90’s, the Chinese have more than made up for the loss. Sure, most of the population still lives in abject poverty but the country’s economic might is ever increasing. More than that, with 1.2 billion people, how do we know they aren’t creating an army of Yao Ming-like super soldiers?
If you think I’m just fear-mongering, think again. The Chinese have developed a missile that can hit a moving aircraft carrier. And who has the aircraft carriers? Yeah, that’ll keep you up at night. Did I mention that there are 1.2 billion of them? Oh. Right. Sorry.
We should probably keep in mind that the Chinese aren’t the only Asian nation with a billion plus people at their disposal. And beyond taking over call centers and consulting companies, India has made a strong move into our national pastime with their exportation of Rinku and Dinesh as well. Ok, strong might be a bit of an overstatement since these guys haven’t even made it through the Pirates’ farm system. But you see my point.
However, if there’s one area where we should truly fear the Indians, it’s marriage. Not understanding the concept? I think this will make it very clear:
Repeat after me: I will not run away on my Indian girlfriend, I will not run away on my Indian girlfriend, I will not run away on my…..
Do you ever have a revelation right as you’re falling asleep? Where something just kind of hits you and then a second later you’re out? For instance, the other night I was drifting off when it struck me that I really don’t want to be killed by a crocodile. The whole ripping and tearing and drowning, I’m just not interested.
These little eureka moments on the threshold of sleep, somnolent epiphanies perhaps, usually disappear, replaced the next morning by a feeling of loss, like something was in your grasp and then faded away. But not always. Just like my Archimedes moment with the crocodiles the other evening, this morning I woke up with a similar sensation. Let me explain.
Last night I went to bed a little confused after reading Jeff’s post. I mean, he knows I like girls and I wondered why he would make insinuations about my sexuality. It just didn’t make sense to me. I know it had nothing to do with what I posted the other day because it’s obvious that I’m just trying to help him with a very real problem. But as I sank into sleep with these thoughts orbiting around my head, awareness suddenly exploded like a supernova.
Let me take you back a little. Those of you who read this blog regularly or know Jeff well undoubtedly also know that he is infatuated with Asia. The art, the languages, the religions, the peoples. There is no aspect he does not love.
But, if you follow pop culture, you realize that within this arena there are barely understood subcultures, fringes on which things happen that are often hard to fathom. And if you watch 30 Rock or read the New York Times you have become acquainted with possibly the most incomprehensible subculture.
Having watched this episode of 30 Rock just the other day, it’s no surprise that both the show and the article were on my mind as I went to bed. And when that mixed together in my head with a comment that a reader made the other day about substituting a blow-up doll in place of a girlfriend for Jeff, well, I had my eureka moment.
Yes, that’s right. I could barely believe it myself but all signs point to Jeff being in a long-term relationship with some sort of body pillow. The lack of a girlfriend. The callously strewn about accusations. The down feathers that always seem to be stuck in his hair. All are signs pointing toward the inescapable truth.
Now, I am unable to comment on the veracity of reports that this body pillow sports an Albert Pujols jersey. And I almost certainly do not believe the recent rumor that this pillow may actually be Jeff’s common-law wife. That being said, it would explain a lot.
Really, though, I’m here to be a friend and that’s why I just want to say, “Jeff. It’s all right. You can come clean. You’re among friends and we support you.” So, how about it Mr. Lung? Wouldn’t you feel better being able to live your life out here in the open with the rest of us?