Tagged: Astros

The Filibuster

Why does everyone get so excited about the whole playoff beard
phenomenon? This is nothing new. It happens every year with lots of
different teams. Isn’t it time for a different trend?

Mark
Virden, IL

_______________________________

binladen_beard.jpgAre we talking about A-Rod dating Madonna again?  Because that’s totally legit.  A-Rod likes women.

Oh, wait.  You meant hair on faces.  Ok, sorry about that.  Wrong beard.  Although the point still stands.

But, you’re right.  Playoff beards, whether of the A-Rod variety or the hairy face version, are not exactly news.  It happens in baseball.  It happens in hockey.  Football definitely sees it share.  I guess I’d like to see baseball players try something a little different.  I have two suggestions.

The first thing I’d like to see in baseball is the midsummer slump beard instead of the playoff beard.  Imagine that your team has looked terrible for the first half season and the All-Star Break is coming up.  In order to give yourself some momentum heading in to the layoff, you all grow beards.  Not only does this show team spirit, it also shows some balls.  Think about.  The Houston Astros with full on beards in the middle of July?  That’s hardcore.  The itchiness and beard sweat alone would be enough to drive you crazy.  Add in some sort of pact about not being allowed to shave until you’ve won two or three series and you might find just the motivation you need.

The other possibility would be taking the playoff beard to higher level.  I don’t want to see three days worth of stubble.  I want a full-on, Osama Bin Laden “I’ve been living in a cave for five years” kind of beard.  Cliff Lee is imposing on the mound.  Just imagine him sporting some Gandalf-style whiskers and hitters losing the ball in his beard as it leaves his hand.  Now that’s an intimidation factor.

Playoff beards have become a cliche but it doesn’t have to be this way.  There’s still time to reinvent the beard.  Hey, if A-Rod can do it with Madonna, we can do it with this tradition.

-A

***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****

Something on
your mind?  Want to see Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not together, eww)? 
Think you got a real stumper?  Send us your Filibuster
question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at kraulung@gmail.com. 

***Pictures of Jeff taking untoward liberties while dressed as a priest on Halloween also welcome.

An Open Letter to the St. Louis Cardinals

writing_letter.jpgDear St. Louis Cardinals,

Stop it. 

Just stop it.

You are embarrassing me.  You are embarrassing my family.  You are embarrassing yourselves.

My sister was at your game in Houston on Monday night.  Ya know, the one against the LOLstros.  The first one where you didn’t score any runs.  And despite your recent slide against terrible, terrible teams, she still went to the park all decked out in Cardinals gear. 

She could’ve used a security detail trying to get out of there.

That’s what it has finally come down to in 2010.

What is more frustrating than anything else isn’t the losing.  Look, I know.  Baseball teams lose.  Even the best teams lose four out of ten.  That’s the game.  That’s baseball.

But when you lose you look like you don’t care… like it doesn’t bother you… like it’s just another day.

WELL IT’S NOT JUST ANOTHER FRIGGIN’ DAY!

The wheels are coming off and we’re not gonna shut up about it until you start looking like you give a damn.  I guarantee you the folks in Cincinnati do.  Yes.  Finally, they have something to care about; and here we are, a confused, spiraling, spoiled Cardinals nation who thought we could just mail it in until the playoffs…

Well, that ain’t gonna cut it.

I hate to sound over dramatic, but the time has come for some over dramatic butt-kickin’ ‘cuz there ain’t much time left! 

So go out there and remember that we’ll always love you, as long as you give your best, tireless efforts.

Sincerely,

Jeff

…and a bazillion other serious Cardinals fans.

Wake Me When the Embarrassment Is Over

unknown comic.jpgRemember back in 2000, when Al Gore beat George W. Bush for the presidency… but then… didn’t become president?

Or how about back in 2004, when all the Democratic party had to do was put a solid candidate on the podium in order to beat the impish incumbent, Dubya, and they gave us John Kerry, who flip-flopped and stuttered his way to crapdom?

Well, maybe the lesser fits winning over favorites is a Texas thang… in which case, I wouldn’t mind seeing it go away.

Because an 18 to 4 shellacking from Houston (just one of seven losses — and counting — at the hands of the otherwise laughable LOLstros in 2010) is just too much for a playoff-contending team to take… especially for its fans.

My ears are already full of sand… so I’m hiding elsewhere until the pain, the torture, the embarrassment ends…

No.  I’m not telling you where I am.  It hurts too much.

Hate me ‘cuz you can, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The Filibuster

Isn’t Roy Oswalt just a poor man’s Cliff Lee? Like a really, really poor man?

Jake
Portage, IN

_______________________________

oswalt_poor.jpgSure thing, Jake.  One incredibly poor man.  This trade might have made sense a few years ago when Oswalt was a dominant pitcher.  But now it just makes me wonder what the Phillies are doing.  I was more than a little surprised when they let Cliff Lee go but using Oswalt to fill that gap doesn’t make any more sense.

The other side of this question is what must it feel like to be Roy Oswalt and have these kind of expectations and questions put on you before you even finish cleaning out your locker?  It’s great for a pitcher like him to go from the affectionately named LOLstros to the pennant holding Phillies but I’m just not sure that his addition makes their hopes of a third straight World Series appearance any more likely. 

What do you do if you’re Roy Oswalt and the hopes of a city rest
on your shoulders?  And not just any city but a place whose nickname,
“The City of Brotherly Love,” definitely does not extend to its sports
fans.  Maybe they’ll give him a mulligan for the first game but that
kind of free pass gets used up pretty quickly.

If I’m Oswalt, I’m probably figuring out how I can bust my elbow in a
bar fight or whatever it takes to keep me away from those
crazy fans.  However, in all of this chaos there is some good news for Roy.  At least he shouldn’t have to worry about getting puked on.

So, yeah.  Oswalt is a poor man’s Lee.  He’s like Tom Joad fleeing the dustbowl.  You might even use the word indigent.  And starting your new team off with an 8 – 1 loss against the Nationals is probably not going to make those comparisons disappear any time soon.

-A

Things That Are Worse Than France

france shame.jpgSay what ya want about the mighty market divas of the Yankees, the Red Sox, the Dodgers.  Go ahead and hate on A-Rod, slam Manny, spit on Youk… whatevs.  Sometimes they deserve it; sometimes they don’t.  It’s all a part of professional sports.

But no matter how infantile and annoying MLB superstars can be (yes, I’m looking at you, Milton Bradley), none of them quite qualify as being as toxically asinine as Nicolas Anelka and his band of busted b!tches that once formed the French national soccer team.

You think Roberto Alomar spitting on John Hirschbeck was bad?  Imagine Roberto Alomar spitting on John Hirschbeck during the World Series, with a big nasty particle-filled loogey, and all his teammates joining in.

Yeah.  That’s sorta what France’s World Cup was like.  But at least it’s over.  And now we can think about… things that are worse than France.  For instance:

The Pirates
Duh. You knew that was comin’.

Rob Blagojevich’s Image
For all of you who live outside of Illinois, be glad you do; ‘cuz this Blago crap is just now gettin’ started for real.  The lego hair, the smarmy and disingenuous smile, the creepy way he talks to every woman as if she were a dumb, money-chasin, cheap-trick-happy cocktail waitress… this dude is going to the joint.  Eventually.

Vuvuzelas
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzsubliminalmessagegivemeyourmoneyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The Royals

You knew that was comin’ too.

Justin Bieber
It makes me sick that he was in my neighborhood.  It makes me even more sick to know that he was at Sox Park.  And it makes me Bush-Sr-Throwin-Up-On-Japanese-People sick to know he tossed the first pitch to Mark Buehrle!

And finally…

sad astros.JPGThe Astros
You didn’t think this could end with anything worse, did you?  I’m pretty sure I heard the Astros’ team on-base-percentage was the worse on-base-percentage in the history of time, including all dimensions — even those we are unaware of yet…

That’s why they’re called the LOLstros.

HAHAHAHA!

Hate me.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

“But I Don’t Wanna Be a LOLstro… Waa Waa Waa”

roy oswalt houston.jpgYeah, Roy, I don’t blame ya.  You get no run support.  Your team owner has laughable baseball sense.  Ed Wade is but a slave to the errant desires of said laughable baseball sense.  Yeah.  I wouldn’t wanna be a LOLstro either.  But if I were in your position, you sure wouldn’t hear me cryin’ about it.

Believe that.

Unlike Roy Halladay’s situation of a year ago, when he quietly went to his GM requesting a trade — a request that the Blue Jays inherently blew out of proportion and blabbed to the media thus causing a tailspin of rumors that hurt everyone involved — Roy Oswalt’s recent proclamation via his agent to the press is more than just a bit off-putting.

Look, I know I have the reputation of bein’ old school.  I don’t like interleague.  I don’t like the DH.  I don’t like players wearing the long pants.  And in this case, I don’t like prima donna pitchers placing themselves above all others (even if performance warrants some discretionary leeway).

On the sandlots of Quincy, IL, if you took your ball and went home, we didn’t give a sh!t.  We just got a new ball.  We didn’t have time for whining, complaining, crying.  And if you tried to come back and cause problems, you might go home with a few less teeth… and no ball.

Do you think Bob Gibson would ever cry to the media about being on a losing team?  Koufax?  Seaver?  Hell, even recent phenoms like Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, Pedro Martinez.  Those men were men.  Okay.  Your team isn’t playing well.  It happens.  Deal with it.  You’re making millions of dollars playing the greatest game in the land, you’re the envy of every 30-something sitting behind a desk (me), and all you want to do is complain about it?

I understand that it sucks playing for a losing team… that being in an organization as backwards as the Astros have been the last few years must take a damaging toll on one’s psyche… but to b^tch and complain about it to the press rather than take it behind closed doors like a respectable ballplayer… that just rubs me the wrong way…. it even causes me to be lazy and use tired cliches (see this run-on sentence).

Take your ball and go home, Roy. 

Unless you want to sign with the Cardinals, then, by all means, come on over, grab a jersey and let’s go.  I’ll even give ya a hug!

Hate me ‘cuz I’m old-school, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

P.S. Rumor has it the Cubs have an eye on Oswalt… to bring him in and make him a set-up man.

Bermuda Triangle, Meet the NL Central

dusty baker reds.jpgNot everything can be explained.  You know this.

Why bad things happen to good people, why Hanley Ramirez is a lollygagger, what happened to Nancy Pelosi’s original face… these are all concerning issues without concrete and true catalytic roots. 

They simply cannot be explained.

And just like boats and planes and people that disappear within the Bermuda Triangle — scoffing at science, bending the rules of reason — so too are the circumstances of the National League Central Division and its teams as mysterious as they are unanswerable.

So let’s see if we can get this right:

The Pirates suck but they are able to beat the hell out of the Cubs.

The Cubs suck but they are able to beat the hell out of the Brewers.

The Brewers suck but they are able to beat the hell out of the Pirates.

The LOLstros may deal Oswalt and/or Berkman but no one is really watching or caring anyway.

The Cardinals are in second place.

And Dusty Baker hasn’t ruined anyone’s career yet as his Reds stand on top of the division.

nancy.pelosi.jpgI have a feeling this may be one of those FML moments.  Of course, it is only May 18th, so it’s still way too early to start complaining like a Red Sox fan.

But seriously, folks, I really would like to know what happened to Nancy Pelosi’s original face…

Holla if you have any tips; in the meantime, don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff