Tagged: Barry Zito

The 2012 World Series — The One We’ll All Soon Forget

That was bad for our health, man.  That was one awful, no good, TERRIBLE World Series… unless you’re a Giants fan, of course.  No lead changes til boring Game 4.  Hitting juggernauts (one wearing three crowns) silenced throughout by the likes of Zito and Vogelsong.  Justin Verlander s*%@ing the bed.

We just got a good dose of why football rules ‘Merica.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(Image courtesy of B3TA)

Ba$eball $tar$

Sports Illustrated‘s annual Fortune 50 list of the 50 highest-earning American athletes list is out and Major League Baseball is heavily represented.  In fact, 36% of the athletes are baseballers — some better than others (looking at you, Barry Zito).  And while I’m sad to see an star like Floyd Mayweather, Jr at the top, one who eschews real glory at the highest level for a comfortable place atop boxing mediocrity, I am glad that baseball players are makin’ that pay-puh.  It makes me feel less suicidal when I pay $8 for a 16 oz beer.

Here’s a quick rundown of the highest paid American baseball players and their overall ranking among American athletes in parenthesis.

1.  Alex Rodriguez (6)
Too bad for the Yankees A-Rod can’t be young and steroided like the good old days.  His health is just going downhill from here.

2.  Derek Jeter (9)
He can do no wrong.  I would pay this man a bazillion dollars a year if I could.  And since Albert left me, I have no problems admitting my 17-year Jeet man-crush.

3.  Joe Mauer (12)
Really?  12th highest paid American athlete overall and third highest Major Leaguer?  I would feel better about this if he could hit it over the Target Field fence once in a while.

4.  Vernon Wells (17)
PSSSHH!!!!  I just ruined my keyboard with a mouthful of coffee.

5.  C.C. Sabathia (20)
Mo’ money, mo’ foooooooooooooooooood!

6.  Mark Teixeira (21)
Nothing says $23 million a year like a YEEE-HAW JAW!

7.  Prince Fielder (22)
I have a feeling if I make one more Prince Fielder fat joke then I’m going to be… eaten…

8.  Adrian Gonzalez (25)
He may have lost his power stroke, but with $21 million a year I’m sure he’s strokin’ plenty of power.

9.  Justin Verlander (28)
A man’s man, I would prefer to see Verlander at the very top of this list, or at the very least, have the opportunity to rifle a fastball at Mayweather’s head.

10.  Cliff Lee (29)
Way to go, Phillies.  You’re making Clifton Phifer look bad.

11.  Ryan Howard (32)
While many of my Cardinal fan brethren choose to hate on Albert, I prefer to hate on Howard, the man who made signing Albert impossible.

12.  Roy Halladay (35)
Way to go, Phillies.  You bring in the best pitcher in baseball to get you over the hump then s*** the bed three years in a row.

13, 14, 15.  Barry Zito, Carl Crawford, Albert Pujols (Tied for 36 overall)
One of these things is not like the other…

16.  Josh Beckett (44)
Is it me or has he gained like 40 pounds since he was traded to the Red Sox?

17.  Jake Peavy (45)
Up until this year, I thought dude was done.  Yes, the crow I’ve been eating tastes bad.

18.  A.J. Burnett (49)
Huh?  How did A.J. get on this list?  I’d like to know the same.  He should’ve signed two contracts, one for each of his personalities.  At least he’s been living up to it ever since his worst day ever.

Hate me ‘cuz I didn’t make the list, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right!

Peace,

Jeff

Anaheim Albert ang I Are Juss Having Fung, Mang

The Twittersphere is a strange place.  It can be as welcoming as it is alienating, as terrifying as it is hilarious.  But just like anything else on the interwebs, it is what you make of it.

Over the years, I have fawned over several accounts in order to make SUPER-HAPPY-FUN TIME.  Coco Crisp’s was golden.  Barry Zito’s was embarrassing (before he blocked me from talking to him).  And I’ve probably cried more laughing at the hilarity of Fake Ned Yost than I have all the times I’ve watched Braveheart combined (stop judging me).

But these days there’s a new mang in town (somewhere along I-5 between Los Anaheim and Orange Angeles County).

BEHOLD: ANAHEIM ALBERT!

He waxes on performance:

Compares himself to others:

And provides sultry details to his odd albeit professional relationship with his agent Dan Lozano:

Extra mad points for that Scott Spiezio reference.  He’s another man whose heroics are shared by both Halos fans and Redbird Nation.

Speaking of Spiezio, where’s my scotch… and the strippers???  ALBERT!!!!

Hate me ‘cuz I made you L-O-L, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Mr. Lung, Superstar

I’m a day early but these things are rarely exact.  No one really knows for sure if Jesus was born 2,012 years ago, for instance.  But I can tell you for sure that Jeff was born 33 years ago as of tomorrow.  I just hope that Jeff doesn’t decide to follow in Jesus’ footsteps.  See, after disappearing for 30 years between his birth and the start of his ministry, Jesus managed to piss off the entire Roman Empire and the Jewish elite in three short years and get himself killed.

I don’t want to say the allusion is exact but for the past three years Jeff has been pissing off the MLB empire and the baseball elite (including getting kicked off Barry Zito’s Twitter feed).  So far there have been no threats against Jeff’s life but MLB is sneaky like that.

It’s a day early but happy birthday Mr. Lung.  And please, beware of crowds bearing palm fronds.  You know what happens a week later.

-A

A Corrective Footnote to an Otherwise Good Deed

While New York state takes the social lead in legalizing gay marriage, I think it’s appropriate to also give props to the professional athletes who have joined the proactive “It Gets Better” video campaign.  Grant Hill, Kevin Youkilis, Matt Cain, Barry Zito and many more, have joined the cause to remind LGBT teens that they have a right to live happy lives, just like the rest of the world, and that the bullying stewing from ignorance and intolerance will eventually get better.

Chicago Cubs rookie second baseman, Darwin Barney, has also joined the cause.  Chicago Tribune writer Paul Sullivan, wrote a nice piece about Barney’s involvement and, again, I highly commend Darwin for doing so.  However, he did say something that must be corrected, something that is, at this point laughable for anyone to actually believe.  He said:

“It hit home for me because … I have a few family members who are gay. There’s nothing weird about it. It’s a decision that you should be able to make and not be discriminated against.”

Darwin Barney, being gay is not a choice.  There is no decision to make, just like I did not have a decision in what color my skin would be, or how tall I would eventually become.

One is either gay, straight or all of the above.  There is no choice involved.

And this is something that needs to be understood completely if things are truly going to get better.

Hate me ‘cuz it’s still allowed, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Living in the Post-WikiLeaks World

We live in a post-WikiLeaks world.  Or at least that’s what I keep hearing.  From what I can gather, basically this means that nothing you say or do can ever be assumed safe.  Make a racist comment, someone somewhere probably overheard it and recorded it.  Record a sex tape or even take a few racy photos and you can be sure they will make their way to the internet.  Overstay your welcome at a friend’s house and wait for the video recreation on YouTube.  That last one gets extra interesting when it’s meta-post-WikiLeaks:

By the way, try saying that five times fast.  Meta-post-WikiLeaks… Meta-post-WikiLeaks… Menopause-we-gleeks… damn.

There are solutions to this problem.  For instance, you can avoid Facebook, stop posting on Twitter and shut down your blog.  But where’s the fun in that?  If there’s no Twitter then there’s no hilariosity from Barry Zito.  And of course no blogging means no RSBS.  Heaven forbid!

Of course there’s always the simple solution.  Don’t allow jackwads like Julian Assange and Bradley Manning access to your stuff, especially if it’s secret.

-A

City Lights

at&t.JPGWhile spending the past weekend in San Francisco, one thing stuck out for its incongruity.  A city that claims to be a bastion of liberalism and the protector of all thought left of center really should do more to practice what it preaches.  Sure, there are lots of homeless people and the denizens of the city leave them alone in true liberal fashion.  But why is the public transit system subpar at best?  And are you really saving electricity when you leave your low-wattage bulbs on all day long?

Don’t get me wrong, San Francisco is a beautiful city.  I was lucky enough to run a half marathon that took me down the Embarcadero, across the Golden Gate Bridge and up the Presidio.  And it was amazing.  I also made it to AT&T Park and watched as Barry Zito proceeded to ruin my fantasy scoring for the week.  But staring from behind home plate at the line of trees peering over the top of the left field wall, I couldn’t help but wonder how people that pride themselves on eating local also support the importation of palm trees, a species that is in no way native to the area.  Sure, like Zito’s sweeping hook they’re beautiful but the upkeep probably costs as much as his contract.

I have an idea for you, San Francisco.  Let’s return the palm trees to Los Angeles because even though they aren’t native there, either, at least the fakeness fits.  Let’s get a train system with more than two stops in the city so it’s actually worthwhile.  And let’s turn off the lights when we leave.  I’ll be back in a couple years and I expect results.

-A

Thanks to L for the idea