Although the respective baseball careers of Melky Cabrera and Bartolo Colon took a huge hit this past week with the announcement of fifty game bans for each player, they can still count themselves as being lucky. Fifty games? That means they have to sit out the rest of the season and then come back next year. Sure, they’ll have that “cheater” label pasted on them but that doesn’t mean some team won’t go ahead and pick them up anyway. No, it could have been w hole lot worse. In fact, that’s why RSBS is using this opportunity to bring you the latest installment of the hard-hitting series, RSBS Presents. This time, RSBS Presents: It Could Have Been Worse.
They could have ruined precious artwork:
In Spain, an octogenarian parishioner took it on herself to restore a 19th Century fresco by Elias Garcia Martinez. When you take a close look at the before and after, you see that she might have missed a couple details. You know, like the eyes:
And the mouth. And pretty much the entire face.
They could have created a royal scandal:
Not content with getting schooled by Ryan Lochte in a pool at a Vegas club, Prince Harry, the third in line for the British throne let me remind you, managed to get his naked self snapped in photos with young women in equal states of undress.
Sure, he’s not the king. And at this rate, that’s probably a good thing. It’s hard for your subjects to take you seriously once they’ve seen the royal jewels and scepter.
They could have picked the entirely wrong career:
Remember when Dave Chappelle played the blind white supremacist on his eponymously named show? Well, that kind of happened in real life this past week when the leader of an anti-Semitic party in Hungary discovered that he was Jewish. And if that wasn’t bad enough, he also found out that maternal grandparents were holocaust survivors. Sure, a fifty game ban may suck but finding out that you are the person you hate and giving up all your neo-Nazi street cred? That’s a tough pill to swallow.
So there you have it. Melky and Bartolo messed up but they’ll live to fight another day. Well, unless they accidentally try restoring the Willie Mays statue. MLB don’t like it when people mess with Willie.
the Julio Lugo trade has left you despondent. But here’s the question.
If you were cast away on a desert island and could choose only one
Cardinal, past or present, to be with you, who would you choose?
While the human condition often leads us to fantasize about achieving maximum fame — to be known throughout the world as easily as a McFlurry, the Bible or Michael Jackson — the truth is, most of us would be extremely lucky just to get that fifteen minutes everyone talks about. So when posed with a question of such magnitude, of course, my initial list of suitors would already seem to be set in stone. My grandfather’s generation would say Stan Musial. My father’s would say Bob Gibson. Mine, Ozzie Smith and today’s would most assuredly go with Albert.
But here’s the thing: with any one of those St. Louis Cardinal icons, there is no question that I would cower from awe, go silent from my insecurities, shy away with humbling woes of unworthiness. In other words, I would hardly be good company, especially for someone on a deserted island.
Which would lead me to choose that St. Louis Cardinal who isn’t quite the paragon of baseball supremacy — the one who I feel like I could carry on a legitimate conversation with sans all the slobber, the one who all Cardinal fans know, but aren’t likely to jump at spending any hang-time with. And that man’s name, dear readers, is Fernando Tatis.
Despite playing in just 300 games for the Cardinals between 1998 and 2000, Tatis is as recognizable a name in St. Louis as Hornsby, Brock and Herzog; and his name is known for one thing and one thing only: making history on April 23, 1999 by becoming the only Major Leaguer to ever hit two grand-slams in the same inning!
Clearly, this accomplishment is almost as intriguing and noteworthy as creating a number one hit single called “Jesus Hates the Cubs”, so I am satisfied that Fernando and I would get along just swell on our little deserted island with plenty of ways to relate.
And considering Fernando’s consistent injury issues, I feel like my role in keeping us alive would be much greater than if I were stranded with King Albert, who might just eat me to make things easier. Plus, I’m pretty sure I could get my slider by Fernando which would go a long way in keeping my spirits high.
So go ahead and hate me ‘cuz I’m so unpredictable, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****
Something on your mind? Want to see Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not together, eww)? Think you got a real stumper? Send us your Filibuster question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
***Pictures of a skinny Bartolo Colon also welcome but we don’t think such a thing exists.
Pope Benedict XVI’s Good Friday address was what most of us expected it to be: warming, inviting, aggressive. And since my esteemed secular colleague, Mr. Krause, already achieved his annual civic duty of offending the Catholic church, I will refrain from continuing such questioning threads… except to say: WHAT?!?!
Acknowledging the world’s escalating progressive temperature towards logic and science, the Pope warned the masses that Western society is currently collapsing into “a desert of godlessness”.
I think not.
Admittedly, I am not your typical religious type; yet I do have the propensity to ponder the existence of higher powers. One need only examine the current state of the greatest game on earth to realize that indeed, something “other” is at work:
Kyle Farnsworth still has a job.
J.P. Ricciardi still has a job.
And Bartolo Colon is pitching today.
Yes, dear readers. Today, Comiskey is my church, Colon is my vehicle and baseball is my savior.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.