Just like a rainbow themed slap bracelet, this is gonna be loud, colorful and could quite possibly cause a ripple in your otherwise tame relationship.
The Iron Fist of King Bud’s Court
Troy Tulowitzki pisses off Ubaldo Jimenez. Jimenez subsequently beans Tulowitzki. Jimenez gets slammed with a 5-game suspension. And speaks:
“I can’t control what people say. People act like this is the first time that somebody got hit. It happens in the game. That’s part of the game. It’s always been part of the game.”
Ubaldo is right. We don’t know if it was on purpose. Beanballs happen all the time. We can assume it was intentional considering the circumstances, but we can’t be sure beyond a reasonable doubt. This is the beauty of the unwritten rules of baseball, a game where players police themselves and do what they gotta do to survive. But alas, there is no constitution in King Bud’s dictatorship. If these guys didn’t bank millions of dollars I’d expect an uprise.
If Only 4 Days Meant “Forever”
Pennsylvania Taliban leader, Rick Santorum, is taking 4 days off from his fledgeling (not to mention INSANE) republican primary campaign. Why? I dunno. Maybe he realizes a 4th grade life skills level isn’t enough to be in such a demanding position. Maybe he fears a widespread Santorum epidemic. Or maybe his invisible friend in the sky who hates women and gay people told him to. I don’t know. I only wish it were forever.
The Heat Is On!
Baseball is back to FULL THROTTLE, my friends, and that means no more dirt kickin’, no more gloomy day sobfests, no more Perfect Strangers marathons on sleepless nights (okay, maybe I can’t go that far, yet). But the truth is: baseball is back for a long, long time. So let’s live! To celebrate, Igive you the song I remember most from my youthful, endless summers at Busch II. Whenever I hear this song, I immediately picture an Ozzie to Tommy to Jack double-play.
Both the Phillies and the Yankees went down in the first round. If you had to blame it on one player from each team and then have those two fight it out in the Thunderdome, which two men enter and which one leaves?
St. Ignace, MI
Don’t answer that.
Yes, the Yanks and Phils missed the LCS boats this year. And yes, they each featured some disappointing performances; but in both cases, the epic failage cannot be pinned to just one guy. The Yankees went in with questionable starting pitching and the Phillies entered as the feast or famine team, the results of which were both early exits. To pin the burden of failure on just one person isn’t fair and it isn’t right.
But Alex Rodriguez and Ryan Howard do make beautiful scapegoats.
Meanwhile, you want me to throw these two guys into a Thunderdome and see who comes out alive. HA! Can you imagine the inherent lameocity of a fight between a pinstriped cover-mag diva and a silent slugger who tore his Achilles on his way to being the final out of the NLDS? Puhhhhhhh-lease.
Baseball hasn’t been able to produce a good basebrawl since 1993’s Ventura v. Ryan main event and even THAT was a lopsided affair. Yes, we have been teased over the years. Morgan v. Volstad had potential. So did Lee v. Young. And even more recently, Gregg v. Ortiz.
But the one thing those latter three matchups all have in common is that, ultimately, THEY WERE LAME. And when it’s been nothing but Lame City in reality, it’s really hard for me to imagine an A-Rod v. Ryan scenario that would not be equally as lame.
And make sure you stick around to the end to see Mickey Hatcher walk off the field with a bloodied face. Now THAT’S some Thunderdome s**t.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
How has your relationship with Nyjer Morgan suffered after his attack on Albert’s manhood?
Well it’s about time! Seriously, I was wondering when someone was going to call me out on the conflicting interests of my Nyjer Morgan man-crush. As if publicly rooting for a Brewer wasn’t enough, I had to go and pick the looniest one of the lot, the one who called my team’s future Hall of Fame first baseman “Alberta” Pujols.
My initial reaction to Nyjer jawing at Chris Carpenter in the game that led to the maniacal tweet in question was: Okay, that’s enough, Nyjer. Yapping at your opponent is one thing — one thing Nyjer does quite well and usually within the boundaries of what is considered acceptable in baseball — but he was strutting and yelling “F*** you, p****!” to Carp, a man who could crush Nyjer with his stare if he wanted to. Watching that strange exchange was akin to the feeling one gets when his dog starts sniffing the butts of other dogs at the park: somewhat embarrassing, but also totally natural.
Nyjer is crazy. And that’s why I like him.
He’s… different. He’s a showman. A wild gunslinger. A loose cannon.
He’s also quite talented and completely entrenched in winning. The man wants to win (are you getting this, K-Rod???). Nyjer has more energy in his pinky finger than most Major League squads put together. But along with that fiery and insatiable appetite for winning comes a handful of bad decisions. We saw it last year as he beat his chest while being physically removed from Sun Life Stadium. We saw it when he slammed his mitt into the ground after missing a ball over his head, a ball that stayed in play and rolled around while he pouted. And we saw it on September 7th when he almost got his @$$ handed to him by an angry Cardinals mob.
Do I like that he does that sort of thing? No. But that’s who he is, and let’s be honest, he makes the game interesting. He makes it spark. He is the Dennis Rodman of Major League Baseball; and as long as his numbers back up his jawing, as long as he puts winning above all else, I think he makes baseball better and immensely more entertaining.
Calling Albert names? Our rivals have been calling Albert names for over ten years now. So what?
Words, words, words.
When Nyjer takes a swing at him, that’s when I will have had enough. But not even Nyjer is stupid enough to do that. Albert would DESTROY him like he’s been destroying Brewer pitching (.329 lifetime against the Crew).
Don’t hate me. ‘Cuz I’m right. And you know it.
**Have a topic you want to see us Filibuster? Want to find out the disgusting details of how Mr. Krause shows his “love” for big government? Send us your Filibuster questions by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org or by commenting below.
And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles…
Jeff, Allen, Johanna and Second City’s Mark Piebenga knock off the winter rust and gear up for what looks like a fantastically competitive 2011 season. Besides being racy, risque and borderline offensive (or, just plain offensive), the topics of discussion include but are not limited to the best orange juice of all time, Michael Young’s precarious situation, Major League collisions and much, much more… all to make you happy face!
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*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. You can experience Keith’s wicked podcast and subsequent film projects at Undercard Films. Keith is a hot topic right now! Not only is he filming that cool baseball doc, but now he’s got some commercial gigs from the Undercast, AND he’s investing in fleshlights! Pay him a visit!
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Recorded Saturday, January 29, 2011