One of the most peculiar realms of science is understanding what exactly goes on inside of a black hole (and no, folks, we ain’t talkin’ about the vile emitting from Milton Bradley’s mouth). Widely understood as a “deformation of spacetime caused by a very compact mass” — an area from which nothing can escape the immense gravitational pull of its center — black holes are like the underground club scene of the cosmos: all kinds of weird s*** can happen… and does!
To me, the most interesting aspect of a black hole lies at its very center, past the event horizon, down the rabbit hole, settling on an infinitesimal point known as the singularity. If you were unfortunate enough to be sucked into a black hole and lucky enough to survive the trip down its core, by the time you reached the singularity you would surely be a shredded mess, the result of being filleted by the strongest forces theorized by the human mind.
But boy would it be an exciting death!
The oddest thing about the singularity is that once we start working in and around that point, we realize that the laws of physics become completely erroneous and unnecessary. That’s right, dear readers, when you get to the singularity, Einstein’s theory of general relativity makes no sense at all.
And while black holes and their singularities may be intangible to us from our terrestrial vantage point, if you look around you today you will see all sorts of things that could cause one to think we may be close to such a singularity — a place where what we see is so shocking, so odd, so perplexing that it just doesn’t make sense…
The Good Guys Win: Joe Mauer
Twins fans were so afraid they would lose their hometown hero to the evil chops of the Yankees and the Yankees 2.0 that doomsday scenarios and flat-out decrees of apostasy had already been accepted as fact. But in the end, the Twins had to sign Joe — for the sake of their new stadium and for the sake of their fans. And they did, for a very reasonable price. Oh, and by the way, the Twins are not a small-market team, so this situation is getting even more black-holish by the minute!
Liberal US Americans Actually Accomplish Something
After eight long years of maddening sound bytes, phantom wars against phantom enemies for phantom purposes and an all-out assault on reason, the liberal majority in the House got together and passed a health care bill that might actually work. Oh yeah, sure, not everyone is happy about it and the most concerning aspect is how we’re going to pay for it; but, in my opinion, the sheer fact that you won’t be financially punished for being sick anymore indicates a huge step forward. And besides, since when do US Americans care about national debt? Here, in the great state of Illinois, for as long as I can remember, the political machine has been borrowing money from the FUTURE to pay for current projects. I hear that Illinois is rich in the future, so I’m gonna see if I can get in on that too. I need a Lamborghini.
Exciting News Out of Cincinnati Reds Camp
You have to go back quite a few years to find anything worth anticipating from the Reds in March, but this year is different. Under the wise hand of former Cardinal front office legend Walt Jocketty, Cincinnati signed Cuban defector Aroldis Chapman during the offseason, hoping he would live up to his international hype. And boy does he! Thought by many to be an ace-caliber pitcher going into this season, Reds fans have a whole lot to be excited about for a change… of course, that is… until Dusty Baker blows out his arm and ruins his career.
Hate me ‘cuz I test the limits of physics, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Over the last few days and the last couple blog posts I became worried about my friend, Jeff. No matter how I tried to reason with him, it seemed as though my proffered logic went in his ears but nothing coherent came back out. I couldn’t understand why all I heard was a pulsating message, “The Tigers will lose.”
However, I had some time to ponder these events today and I realized that I needed to think bigger than just some perceived personal slight. And as I started to assemble the pieces a horrible truth slowly dawned on me. Jeff’s head has turned into a black hole.
It all makes sense. All those hours watching the MLB Network. All those baseball statistics. The Cardinals 2006 World Series win. As all of these elements slowly expanded Jeff’s head, it was inevitable that a point of no return would come and the laws of physics would demand a reckoning. That day has come. Maybe it was a reanalysis of the Cardinals probable opening day pitching rotation. Maybe it was a second look at last year’s AL Central standings followed by a reassessment of this year’s predictions. Whatever it was, it was the final straw and with it, Jeff’s head began to collapse inward on itself.
Black holes are dangerous things, people, and I only bring this to you because I care about Jeff and don’t want him to hurt anyone. Just remember, if you hear him saying irrational things and read more of his illogical arguments, it is not Jeff the man doing it. It’s Jeff the black hole. And, as we all know, what happens in a black hole SHOULD stay in a black hole. Apparently this one has wi-fi in it, though.
-Image via Skull Swap