Tagged: Blogging

Setting the Mahmud

johanna mahmud.jpgRSBS Special Correspondent and Podcast Slavedriver, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

He Plays with a Load in His Hands

The NFL draft is Thursday and that means we evaluate everything about everyone’s everything.  From their toe sizes to wingspans to ability to play with others to punctuality to how long they can sit through the last season of Oprah to the limitations of their menstrual cycles to how many yards they can throw a Mexican snapping turtle to how they would handle Kanye taking their MVP trophies away and giving them to Beyonce.

It’s a lot to sift through.

AND FUN!!!

Which reminded me of what’s going on with MLB closers now. Closers seem to be chosen for teams primarily by stuff and grit but also based on looks and intangibles. So….. I’ve listed some of what I look for in potential closers for when I’m king of the Cubs and I take over as Czar of the DAMNED……

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The following quotes describe facial expressions, which are the best way to determine who’s got the right stuff to end games for me:

“I’m so damn mad I’d punch a baby!”
TRANSLATION: I did odd things to Barbie dolls when my sister wasn’t looking.

“I’m gonna come over to your house tonight, wear your sister’s makeup and then beat her to death.”
TRANSLATION: I’m confused about where slavery begins and my basement’s interior design ends….

“I’m good at rallying a team from behind!”
TRANSLATION: What I really need is a bearded man with a vintage cardigan who will tell me “he has to see about a girl and its not your fault, Brian Daisy Fuentes.”

mr_weber_carving_ham.jpg“I’ve wet myself many times in public, but I DON’T CARE…”
TRANSLATION: I’ve wet myself many times in public, but I DON’T CARE.

“The best thing about me other than my heater is that I should have played the lead in Our Town. I’m egotistical, fiery aggressive and I have great athletic skillz.”
TRANSLATION: My name is Jeffery Lung and I will pretend to be your closer for a third of an inning. CHEERS!!!

“I understand angles and I’m grindy, gritty and tuffffff!”
TRANSLATION: I’M DEFINITELY WHITE AND I’M  PROBABLY AN INDIANA PACER.

One last thing about closers, because if you’re like most teams, you’ll have to find a new one soon (like by Saturday)… Russian women are like closers: when they goes, they goes fast………

–Johanna Mahmud

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BTW… if Lovie Smith could pick a closer he would be from Abilene Christian.

Shut Up and Pitch

train wreck.jpg“You don’t boo your own team. I don’t care who
you are or what you say or just because you spent your money to
come here to watch us play that somebody happens to make one bad
pitch and give up a homer and you are going to start booing?”

–Ryan Franklin, April 20, 2011

Um… okay.  My patience is… er… nah, forget it.  I don’t have any patience anymore!!!

We’re NOT TALKING about JUST ONE PITCH, Mr. Franklin.  We’re NOT TALKING about JUST ONE YACKED performance.  We’re TALKING about the difference of 4 or 5 games in the WIN column.

And it’s only April!!!

So yeah.  Do your job.  Get guys out. 

THEN we’ll stop booing.

Keep this in mind, sir: YOU make millions of dollars whether you f*** up or not. 

WE, the FANS, we are the ONES who KEEP YOU EMPLOYED by dishing out $45 (or more) per game, per SEAT… the ones getting raped by beer vendors selling $8 bottles of crap (Bud Light)… the ones who have to put up with your whiny whimpers to the reporters in the press.

We have every damn right to boo your @$$.

You don’t like it?

STOP LOSING GAMES ALL BY YOURSELF.

Man up.

And don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Setting the Mahmud

johanna mahmud.jpgRSBS Special Correspondent and Podcast Guru, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

Dickensian Asylum, One Good Player, Bad Paper. Little to Make Me Excite.

The Cubs, for me, are pushing the human existence backwards and making hearts sad.

Another season is already bogging me down.

I was watching the Rockies kill/drub/maim the Cubs on Sunday (the same expansion team that has already been to a World Series, and, like the Marlins teams that have won two so far, also have exciting young talent despite playing in a small market) I couldn’t change the channel back to the NBA playoffs fast enough.

My beloved Bulls and D. Rose are the only things keeping me breathing.

Lethal Injection Gurney.jpg
With the Cubs, it’s not so much the bad baseball and the lack of power, but mostly just the fact that they’re boring and unsatisfying. I think I’d rather watch a touring band of angry flying Arabs and Mexicans on ice. Then you’d have something! Or just So Taguchi.

Mel_Brookes_Robyn_Hilton.jpgStarlin Castro might be the best player in Chicago, and some hope exists for that fact alone, but with all the bad contracts and old players getting older, I must face the music now: the Cubs can’t compete for baseball immortality by winning the World Series for at least another 2-4 YEARS. I guess that’s not the end of the world given the century mark came and went.

But, it still blows.

I had a birthday recently and time moves faster now. When I was 15 I thought I’d never be 25, but that happened. Then I knew I had forever til 30. Then… that happened.

The Cubs last had a real chance of winning it all three years ago. Swept by the Dodgers and feeling and hurting and poopooing and getting raped way too much like when they were swept the year before. Look, this isn’t 1500 words about how much pain I’ve endured in my life being a Cubs fan. This is about “I know they’re not great and won’t be for a while but please let them just. be. fun……”

Houdini Chinese Water Torture Cell.jpgThey play station-to-station baseball, have very little power and carry a distinct lack of personality (the personality I get from Carlos Zambrano I don’t need so much). So in essence, they’re a slow team that can’t hit bombs and are extremely boring. On a daily basis. GUHHH…… HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE??

The one thing to rely on (we thought) was decent starting pitching. Currently the Cubs have the least amount of quality starts in baseball.

For the love of god, if you’re going to suck, at least be fun! I mean be like fun bad!!?? Like when the Bears are bad you’ll at least have a good time watching Devin Hester returning kicks or Jay Cutler throwing it all over the field or Lovie Smith waking up once in a while to say something to our lesbian-looking offensive coordinator Michael Martz in a roller coaster train wreck loss. That can be fun!

The Cubs were terrible ten years ago but Sammy Sosa at least was exalting the baseball gods with soaring rips into the bleachers completely unaided by anabolic substances of any kind. Seriously. This is true. He told me. When Kerry wood pitched, grown men wept, women went into early labor, George Bush liked black people, and I thought Creed had potential as a legitimate artistic talent. Dusty Baker gave verbose speeches of the utmost linguistic integrity, dripping with so much backwoods gibberish that I hung on his every word and swooned with how a man so simple could speak so eloquently…

“It’s called hitting, and it ain’t called walking. Do you ever see the top 10 walking? You see top 10 batting average. A lot of those top 10 do walk.” 

WORDSY!

“When you first come up, you want to get some hits”

VERBOSOSITY!!

“Peoples have been trying to bring me down. That’s OK, that’s how it is. Actually, that makes me stronger. It’s OK. What are you going to say when I kick somebody’s butt?”

SUPERINTIMIDATINGWORDSYVERBOSOSITY!!!

When I first moved to Chicago, going to Wrigley was a cathartic experience. Finally, I could go to games whenever I wanted, which was something I remember dreaming of when I was just a pup watching with Grandpa every Saturday on WGN with Stone and Harry. After watching the game with Grandpa, I would immediately run outside to field tennis balls off the concrete stairs, pretending I was Shawon Dunston.

I don’t have great memories of Wrigley anymore. Just heartache and a wanton desire for greatness. The fond memories I have of the Cubs are really just afternoons hangin with Grandpa. That’s what I miss.

Now it’s just pain.

And again, I’d see a priest but I’m still good looking enough that he might try to do odd things to me.

The Cubs may lose this season but for the love of god…. give me excite!!

–Johanna Mahmud

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The Marathon and the Metaphor

IMG_20110409_194207.jpgFor now, and forever, I will always identify myself as…

A marathoner.

On Sunday, April 10, 2011, I spent 3 hours and 51 minutes running 26.2 miles along the streets of St. Louis, Missouri; and I can honestly say, it changed my life.

We often hear “the marathon” used as a metaphor for myriad events.  The baseball season… is a marathon.  Every December I look forward to… “A Christmas Story” movie marathon.  Life itself… is a marathon.  But when we say all of the above, what we are really just saying is that some things take a long, long time to complete.

Let me assure you, the marathon is much more than that.

It’s setting a goal and working towards it.

IMG_20110410_061325B.jpgIt’s taking pride in your body, listening to it, working to make it better.

It’s getting up at the crack of dawn while all your friends are sleeping in.

It’s battling fatigue, slaying freezing temps, conquering blazing sun.

It’s knowing your limits, pushing them, then pushing them again.

It’s glowing when people ask you why you’re so positive about life.

It’s metaphorizing your life, making up for past mistakes, proving you’re not a nobody.

It’s throwing the hammer down on negativity.

It’s getting a song stuck in your head that… just… won’t… stop.

It’s rewarding yourself with a big, fat, juicy burger every Sunday.

It’s asking yourself “I paid to do this????” only to realize, “Hell yeah I paid to do this!!!!”

It’s thanking strangers who hand you Gatorade and oranges and Vasoline (not always in that order).

It’s being aware of your surroundings, taking in the sights, the smells, the cowbells. 

It’s being extraordinary…

It’s being inspired…

It’s being an inspiration.

But most of all, it’s feeling like death only to discover just how alive you really are.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

*PS, To the lovely, smiling woman who held up a sign shortly before Mile 3 that read “If you don’t finish, Albert Pujols will sign with the Cubs”… well, I want you to know that around the 22 mile marker, when I just about wanted to die, I thought about that sign and I finished that damn race for you. MUAH!

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 21: Mia Hamm’s Husband… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 2.jpg

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

To celebrate the beginning of the 2011 season Jeff and Johanna try to remember Mia Hamm’s husband’s name… he had a… played short… ah, nevermind.  Also, the fellas also jam about all things Opening Day, Prince Fielder’s belly, Jason Bay’s awfulness, new developments in Keith Carmack’s Pete Hill documentary, why the LOLstros are better than the Cubs and much, much
more… all to make you happy ending!

Holla!

– – –

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack.  Keith is has a very sweet creative hub of his own.  You should definitely check out what he and his crew have to offer. You can find it all at Undercard Films

– – –

Recorded Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 21: Mia Hamm’s Husband… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 2.jpg

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

To celebrate the beginning of the 2011 season Jeff and Johanna try to remember Mia Hamm’s husband’s name… he had a… played short… ah, nevermind.  Also, the fellas also jam about all things Opening Day, Prince Fielder’s belly, Jason Bay’s awfulness, new developments in Keith Carmack’s Pete Hill documentary, why the LOLstros are better than the Cubs and much, much
more… all to make you happy ending!

Holla!

– – –

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack.  Keith is has a very sweet creative hub of his own.  You should definitely check out what he and his crew have to offer. You can find it all at Undercard Films

– – –

Recorded Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I Know It’s Only ONE Game…

ryan-franklin sad.jpgBUT…

When that one game exposes a rudimentary flaw that I have been gripin’ about for over three years now, then that’s when trouble starts.  That’s when walls in my apartment become punch-holed and that’s when my neighbors consider burning me at the stake for my insane bouts of baseball rapture.

Ryan Franklin… brother… I love ya… and I know you only blew two saves last year, but you ain’t a closer.

Pitching to contact is fine if you’re Derek Lowe.  It’s fine if you’re a starter.  Heck, it’s fine if you’re guaranteed that the batted balls are going straight into someone’s glove.  But in the 9th inning, with a one run lead… I don’t want ANYONE ON BASE.  NO ONE. 

Ya hear me?

When I bring a guy in to close a game, I want someone with firepower, someone with strikeout potential… someone who throws GAS, someone with a wicked slider, someone with an impossible-to-hit cutter. 

Think Mo Rivera.  Think Dennis Eckersely.  Think Neftali Feliz.

The closer’s job is to come in and close the game, not to let ’em hit it and hope your defense saves you. 

No. 

The best way to close a game is to miss the hitters’ bats.  And Ryan Franklin has a real hard time doin’ that.

Now, for more on this, let us turn to our junior RSBS correspondents:

http://www.viddler.com/player/63ff3f60/

Happy Friday!

Jeff