Tagged: Blue Jays

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 6: MLB’s Chimeras… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 7.jpg

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast…

Jeff and his Cub-lovin’ pal Johanna Mahmud put their heads together to find out what’s wrong with Joe Buck’s face… they also talk about a slew of other important stuff, including (but not limited to) Andre Dawson being a bad@ss, why everyone hates Cleveland, Pete Hill of the Negro Leagues, Matt Capps’ ginormous noggin, the Lou
Piniella Mailbag and much,
much more… all to make you laughy time!

Holla!

P.S. Language definitely rated R on this one. We let ourselves go a bit… but it’s a lot of fun (trust us).


– –

Subscribe
to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe

via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special

thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and
all-around sound guru.  His Undercast
podcast is a must-listen (listen to it!).  It’s available on iTunes and
is posted regularly at Undercard

Films.

Recorded Saturday, July 24, 2010

A Lesson Before Lying

mark kirk.jpgThe English language is such that certain phrases, through overuse, become cliches because they tend to contain some inherent truth, some life-lesson validity, something worth paying attention to.  That’s why when Momma says “honesty is the best policy”, you can be pretty sure that indeed, telling the truth is an excellent formula for leading a controversy-free life.

But this is US America, and in US American politics, the reverse seems to be most popular among the entitled electorate.  I mean, how else can we explain the pure idiocy that runs rampant among big-headed suits who think they can get away with chasing skirts, hooking up in airport restrooms and misappropriating federal funds, without someone figuring it out, eventually?

This is the INFORMATION AGE, people. Technocracy trumps everything.  Go ahead and lie to my face.  No, really.  Do it.  Just know that I can uncover your lies and ruin your reputation with just a few simple finger strokes on my smartphone. 

Yeah, my phone is smart, dude; much smarter than US Senate candidate Mark Kirk (R-IL), who once challenged on his myriad military record embellishments, is finally starting to remember what actually happened.

Yeah, he said he fought in Operation Desert Storm.  That’s a lie.

Yeah, he said he served in Operation Iraqi Freedom.  Uh… yeah, that’s a lie.

And… yeah, Kirk also said he won the Navy’s award for Intelligence Officer of the Year.  Yep.  You guessed it.  That’s a lie, too.

Of course, Congressman Kirk is admitting to all this stuff now, because he’s being called out on it by the press — y’know, people with a lot of access to actual information.  The irony here is that now Kirk — who based on character alone was an excellent candidate to defeat mafia-tied Democrat Alexi Giannoulias in the Illinois US Senate seat race — now appears less appealing to the public than his allegedly corrupt opponent.

tim johnson.jpgGood grief, don’t any of these guys know who Tim Johnson is!?!?!?

This, dear readers, is just further proof that baseball is the game above all games.  We are adamantly vitriolic towards those baseball entities who lie about their past (Tim Johnson, Mark McGwire and Pete Rose come to mind initially), but in the political world, we’ve come to expect such shenanigans and are surprised by (or at least suspicious of) those who appear squeaky clean.

One thing is for certain: Kirk ain’t gettin’ my vote.  And neither is Alexi.  Yep, I feel another Frank Thomas write-in campaign might be necessary…

Hate me ‘cuz I’m known to flip out, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Canadians!

canada.jpgHoly maple leafs, dear readers!

On Friday I fulfilled a lifelong personal dream!

I got to meet Larry Walker!!!

Actually, that’s a lie.  I didn’t meet Larry Walker; but I did meet a very nice Canadian couple wandering the streets of Chicago looking for restaurant suggestions.  The man’s name was Larry.  And since all Canadians look alike, I think we can assume there isn’t much difference between the two.

All fooling aside, let it be known that Canadians are awesome!  Awesome as in “awe” inspiring.  They’re so friendly.  They have funny accents.  And they speak French!

Larry and his wife were so excited to talk to a real life US American (me) that once they got to talkin’, they started revealing all sorts of dark Canadian secrets — information I certainly shouldn’t be privy to.  Oh well.  Part of being a US American is not shying away from free enterprise.  I’m sure Larry and his wife will understand.  So here’s what I learned:

There Are No Death Panels
“We do have to wait in line sometimes for our x-rays and such,” said Larry, “but they certainly don’t make us wait in line during life threatening circumstances.  And if you’re well off like we are, you can go to your own doctor on your own time if you want.  The Canadian system of health care is great.”

Terrance & Phillip Characterizations Are More Accurate Than One Would Think
“We eat a lot of the same things Americans eat,” said Larry’s wife, “but the lower temperatures seem to wreak havoc on our bowels.  We try to avoid Mexican food all together.”

Not All Canadians Live In Igloos
“My brother still lives in one,” said Larry, “but he’s a moose hunter and moose hunters are… well, they’re just a bit off, eh?”

Canadians Think US Americans Are Silly
“George W. Bush?  Really?  You guys voted for him… twice!” said Larry’s wife.  “That’s silly to us.  And you’re always scared.  Fearful.  No one’s going to blow up the Sears Tower.  Chicago isn’t important on the world map.  That’s like saying they’ll blow up the Stade OlympiqueWhy would anyone do that?  Yet so many of you Americans are convinced your local Wal-Mart is the next target.  Haha.”

joe carter celebrating.jpgBut the most satisfying thing I heard from this real-life Canadian couple was the following:

I asked them: “What do you think of when you hear the name Joe Carter?”

Larry and his wife looked at each other and said, in unison, “Touch ’em all, Joe!”

How can we not love Canadians?  Seriously.

Hate me ‘cuz I get all international on you, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right: Canadians are people too.

Peace,

Jeff

The Apocalypse Wears Number 21

dontrelle willis.jpgMaybe Dick Cheney is right.  We’re all gonna die.  And soon.

Dear readers, the end-time omens are racking up: the Toronto Blue Jays are atop the AL East; Wanda Sykes is somehow relevant; and Dontrelle Willis is back in the big leagues.

That’s right, folks.  D-Train (or “Big Black Baby Jesus” as my Tiger-lovin’ colleague, Mr. Krause, likes to call him) has crawled his way back into Detroit’s starting rotation.  And on Wednesday, we will all get the chance to see (and perhaps mock) the pitcher he has become after his long soul searching journey to recapture the glory days of 2003 and 2005.

In other words: we are all going to die.

Because, in my humble yet accurate opinion, Willis lost it a long time ago.

Remember last year when he went 0-2 with a 9.38 ERA and walked half of US America?

I do.

Okay, so he’s gone 25 2/3 innings with a 3.85 ERA in the minors this year.  Well, lahdy frickin’ dah.  If Willis really has rediscovered himself, he should be putting up lights out numbers against the young’ins down on the farm.  Instead, Tigers’ skipper Jim Leyland is calling him up because:


“He’s throwing pretty much around the plate all the time…”
 (MLB Story Link)

Pretty much around the plate.  Hm.  Okay.  Well, that sounds like a perfectly good reason to throw him back into the lions den and, you know, hope for the best.  I mean, Rick Ankiel threw “pretty much around the plate” during the 2000 playoffs.  So did I during my legion ball days of the mid 90s.  Hell, my little sister could throw “pretty much around the plate” if it had a picture of Zac Efron on it.

At least D-Train has the right lackadaisical attitude going into his first start of the year:


“There are worse things than playing baseball, you know?”
(Morning Call Story Link)

Yes, you are correct, Dontrelle.  There are worse things than playing baseball… like not being able to find the strike zone while playing baseball or doing shots with Amy Winehouse at an open bar or admitting that Dick Cheney may have a point.

In this case, I’m going to hope that I’m wrong… just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

The Filibuster

This weekend we saw a series pitting the team with the best record in
the league against the team with the worst record. At what point in the
season do you think we’ll see this again and which teams will take part
the next time around?

–Allen
__________________________________________

Bush_Nats.jpgAs long as the Washington Nationals continue to be a baseball franchise (sorta), you can be quite sure that this scenario will pop up once again.  Will they be playing the MLB best Cardinals next time?  The Dodgers?  The Blue Jays in June during interleague play?

The truth is: I have absolutely no clue.

Because so far nothing this season has been on my radar: that the Cardinals’ piecemeal bullpen could hold itself together through April… that the Blue Jays would find a way to win in the AL East… that no one wants Pedro Martinez…

But in the end, one thing will always remain certain: The Washington Nationals are a national joke.

After some hardcore number-crunching analysis, one might conclude that their suckage is rooted in their inherent identity crisis:
 

  • Are we the Expos?
  • Are we the Senators who are now the Twins?
  • Are we the Nationals who were the Expos?
  • Are we the other Senators who are now the Rangers?

Or perhaps it stems from their dizzying closet of uniform combinations:

washington nationals uniforms.jpgWho knows? Maybe the Nats are an embarrassment because they find this food stand inside Nationals Park to be a family-friendly establishment:

senators sausages.jpgDear readers, I could go in a million different directions with that snafu of a baseball bodega — none of them good — but I will save you (and myself) from the certain discomfort and unpleasant visualization it would cause.

Whatever the reason for the Nationals’ lack of success, I must admit how sad it was for me — as a baseball fan — to see such a beautiful ballpark only a quarter full for a Friday night game.  It was disappointing too that there were more Cardinal fans in attendance than Nats fans and that the loudest cheers I heard all weekend were in response to the Capitals vs. Penguins playoff hockey game — the favorable D.C. score of which was posted on the jumbotron in between innings, thus rousing Washingtonians into a fervent coup d’etat aimed towards building a bigger hockey arena while at the same time finding a more thirsty suitor for the oh-so-lowly Nats, all of their prior nicknames, logos and dysfunctional sausages.

So far, no takers.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

(Senators Sausages image courtesy of Wonkette)
(Uniform image courtesy of Wikipedia)

Polish Panache with a Hint of “Arrggh!”

a.j. pierzynski 12.jpgThere is no stat for tenacity, no quantitative analysis for bark, no computation for grindership.

But if there was, you could be damn sure that A.J. Pierzynski would lead the Major Leagues in all of three of them — every year, all the time.

Late in the White Sox game against the visiting Blue Jays Sunday, the score was tied with two men on base when a Jays batter hit a knuckling dribbler down the third base line.  Everyone at Sox Park was thinking the same thing as A.J. while he all-out-hustled after the ball: Let it be foul.

Eventually, the ball found its way over the white lip, into the grass, foul ball.  The crowd sighed in harmonious relief.

But instead of simply picking up the ball, Pierzynski, with his glove, slapped it violently towards the home dugout with the type of ferocity more often seen from 1980s era offensive tackles loaded up on juice.  He let out a hellacious “ARRRGGGHHH!” then stared down the anxious baserunners with that A.J.’s-gonna-kill-you-in-your-sleep-and-eat-your-children-raw glare. 

It was awesome.

Say what you will about A.J. Pierzynski, but with fierceness like that, the dude is an instant and absolute asset to his team.  It’s only April and on every single play he’s grinding like it was Game Seven of the World Series — as if his life, his country, his freedom were on the line.

That’s someone I want on my team — if not for his competitiveness, then for his uncanny foray into the wild world of comedy:

Love him or hate him, A.J. is the Polish Prince of Pertinacity.  You’d have to kill him to make him go away; and if you do kill him, you still better watch out because I bet zombie A.J. would be much scarier, much more lethal than alive-and-breathing A.J.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Centrifugal Force


ahmedijad.jpgAs if the world wasn’t overflowing with enough bad news already, Iranian officials came forth on Thursday to boast of their newly installed 7,000 centrifuges, presumably to scare we evil US Americans into bowing down to their racist demands or else.

During the kangaroo court adminstration of ‘Lil Bush and Smokin’ Dick Cheney, this clear and present danger would have been immediately dismissed like a young Dubya D.U.I. arrest.  Unfortunately, Iran is not North Korea: they are not just playing around.  And thankfully the Obama adminstration is making a sincere effort to work out these serious issues.

That being said, the topic of nuclear weapons is not what interests me on this day; rather, it is the centrifugal technology behind it that leads to such scary development.

For it is this exact same technology that the Baltimore Orioles and Toronto Blue Jays are currently utilizing to trick their fans in to thinking they have an actual shot at competing this year.  After one series apiece, both teams find themselves with more wins than losses.

The Orioles?  Well, they just got lucky.

The Blue Jays?  They played the Tigers.

blue jays collide.jpgAnd it’s gonna be all downhill from here because let’s face it: centrifugal force is and always will be a pseudo-force — one that originates from within and does not interact with other, real forces.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy