Sports Illustrated‘s annual Fortune 50 list of the 50 highest-earning American athletes list is out and Major League Baseball is heavily represented. In fact, 36% of the athletes are baseballers — some better than others (looking at you, Barry Zito). And while I’m sad to see an star like Floyd Mayweather, Jr at the top, one who eschews real glory at the highest level for a comfortable place atop boxing mediocrity, I am glad that baseball players are makin’ that pay-puh. It makes me feel less suicidal when I pay $8 for a 16 oz beer.
Here’s a quick rundown of the highest paid American baseball players and their overall ranking among American athletes in parenthesis.
1. Alex Rodriguez (6)
Too bad for the Yankees A-Rod can’t be young and steroided like the good old days. His health is just going downhill from here.
2. Derek Jeter (9)
He can do no wrong. I would pay this man a bazillion dollars a year if I could. And since Albert left me, I have no problems admitting my 17-year Jeet man-crush.
3. Joe Mauer (12)
Really? 12th highest paid American athlete overall and third highest Major Leaguer? I would feel better about this if he could hit it over the Target Field fence once in a while.
4. Vernon Wells (17)
PSSSHH!!!! I just ruined my keyboard with a mouthful of coffee.
5. C.C. Sabathia (20)
Mo’ money, mo’ foooooooooooooooooood!
6. Mark Teixeira (21)
Nothing says $23 million a year like a YEEE-HAW JAW!
7. Prince Fielder (22)
I have a feeling if I make one more Prince Fielder fat joke then I’m going to be… eaten…
8. Adrian Gonzalez (25)
He may have lost his power stroke, but with $21 million a year I’m sure he’s strokin’ plenty of power.
9. Justin Verlander (28)
A man’s man, I would prefer to see Verlander at the very top of this list, or at the very least, have the opportunity to rifle a fastball at Mayweather’s head.
10. Cliff Lee (29)
Way to go, Phillies. You’re making Clifton Phifer look bad.
11. Ryan Howard (32)
While many of my Cardinal fan brethren choose to hate on Albert, I prefer to hate on Howard, the man who made signing Albert impossible.
12. Roy Halladay (35)
Way to go, Phillies. You bring in the best pitcher in baseball to get you over the hump then s*** the bed three years in a row.
13, 14, 15. Barry Zito, Carl Crawford, Albert Pujols (Tied for 36 overall)
One of these things is not like the other…
16. Josh Beckett (44)
Is it me or has he gained like 40 pounds since he was traded to the Red Sox?
17. Jake Peavy (45)
Up until this year, I thought dude was done. Yes, the crow I’ve been eating tastes bad.
18. A.J. Burnett (49)
Huh? How did A.J. get on this list? I’d like to know the same. He should’ve signed two contracts, one for each of his personalities. At least he’s been living up to it ever since his worst day ever.
Hate me ‘cuz I didn’t make the list, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right!
Do you guys drink beer and eat fried chicken and play video games while you’re supposed to be perfecting your craft?
Frankly, Kevin, I’m insulted. That’s like going up to C.C. Sabathia and asking him if he sits around eating Krispy Kremes while he’s supposed to be working on his change-up. Look at the guy! You don’t get a body like that without a healthy serving of lard and/or hydrogenated fats at least twice a day.
The same is true of the RSBS team. We are a well-oiled machine and part of that oil comes from the grease collecting at the bottom of the multiple family size buckets of KFC original recipe chicken that we consume every single day. Sometimes the grease gums up the controllers of the Xbox forlornly attached to the 13-inch TV one of our mothers gave us in 1998 but luckily a splash (accidental or otherwise) of Schlitz or Milwaukee’s Best solves that problem.
Just kidding. Blogging is a grueling slog through the minefield that is humanity but it’s a slog we happily undertake for you, the reader, on a daily basis. Slogging, however, shouldn’t be entered into lightly. It’s a process, one that often begins with hours of painful research trying to come up with the perfect photo of the current Miss USA:
Or the ideal angle at which to view Ines Sainz:
Sure, it may look easy but there exists the rare occasion when the results more closely resemble the feces streaked walls of the primate cage at your local zoo. That doesn’t mean we didn’t try, though. Also, as a side note, who’s to say that design by defecation doesn’t constitute art?
The fact of the matter, Kevin, is that we’re here day in and day out to bring you a product that requires our full attention and a respect for our audience that belies any sort of orgy of fast food gluttony or the occasional video game bender. What we’re doing is too important to not take care of ourselves. And now that I have fully made my point, I feel vindicated in finishing the cold beer I cracked open while sitting down to write this. Hey, it’s only one out of three. That’s not so bad.
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*The Filibuster will be taking its regular offseason hiatus starting next Sunday. Don’t worry, it will be back in time for Spring Training 2012, so keep a lookout! In the meantime, please enjoy our offhanded satire and scantily clad womenz who will take its place on Sundays during the Fall/Winter. Thank you to all who have written in!
With the playoffs in full swing and history being rewritten every night, it’s hard not to notice how much of that history is recorded by television cameras. The field is blanketed by unblinking lenses, allowing us to live and relive each play from every possible angle. The downside is that somehow we still end up with quite a few of the infamous “adjustment” shots. Usually, it’s just a quick tap of the cup in one direction or the other but every once in a while the camera lingers as the guy in the on-deck circle really digs in and tries to find the optimal cup placement before strolling to the batter’s box.
The human eye is drawn to movement and I for one don’t feel guilty for staring at some dude’s crotch while he’s in full readjustment mode. It’s evolution. But it got me thinking. How often are people checking out the goods when the guy is just hanging out? Sure, no one’s ogling CC Sabathia but a guy like Ryan Braun has to have his fair share of admirers.
Luckily I didn’t have to settle for idle conjecture because I quickly came across this ground-breaking study from Cosmo for Guys. The video is especially enlightening:
Enjoy the playoffs. And pray that you don’t have to see CC adjusting himself. It would be pretty embarrassing to get caught on that crotch cam.
And so in this Podcast…
Jeff and Johanna clink Tanqueray and tonics over a (not-so) serious discussion of Atlanta’s rerise to fame, Sweet Lou’s gunt, Feliz Hernandez’s magical ways and much, much more… including a special guest appearance by comedy genius Tracy Morgan! Get out the Kleenex, y’all, ‘cuz tears of joy are on the way!
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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*
Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*
*Special thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and all-around sound guru. Check out his Undercast podcast and visit his movie-making website Undercard Films if you know what’s good for you. I mean, Keith got invited to the Hall of Fame for Pete Hill’s re-induction ceremony. Talk about bein’ connected…
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Recorded Saturday, October 2, 2010
No longer exclusively tethered to the stage, the screen or the page, there is no doubt that life is full of drama — the sort that you weren’t ready for, the kind you embrace, even the type that makes you ill.
Nonuniform in appearance and uninterested in who or what it affects, drama can be as simple as that anxious feeling you get right before a big presentation or as complex as the collective mood among you and your fellow drivers during your morning commute.
Drama is everywhere. It infects everything. We love it. We hate it. We need it.
Take a look for yourself…
Ines Sainz and Her… Assets
Were members of the New York Jets out of line in their cat-calling towards Mexican reporter, Ines Sainz? Was Ms. Sainz perhaps inappropriately dressed for an NFL locker room? Is there more to this story that none of us knows about? Yes, yes, and yes? Probably… right? I dunno. Who cares? What is important is that a) we now know who Ines Sainz is and that she’s more than available via Google image search b) Jets fans have more to talk about than just how fat Rex Ryan is and c) I have another reason to post a B-side pic of someone not named Erin Andrews. Thank you, drama!
The AL East: Yankees – Rays Showdown
If this most recent series is any indication of what sort of playoff bliss we may be in for, well, paint me blue and call me “cubbie” ‘cuz I’m all in. Heart attacks galore, dear readers! From Sabathia v. Price, to Brignac bombs to Grandy’s catch to Jeter’s thespian act, this has been the most impressive, most entertaining, most dramatic regular season series between any two teams all season long! And, as a fan, I could care less about either club! Now that’s what I call drama!
Teabagging with Christine O’Donnell
If Joe Biden were dead he’d be rolling over in his grave. Heck, lots of people wish Karl Rove was dead (he’s not) and he’s already rolling over in his… er… wait. What I mean is this: Republican/Tea Party senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell from Delaware may seem like Sarah Palin 2.0, but that’s just because she’s good-looking, halfway likable and really dumb. Make no mistake: the Teabaggers are way more scary than their everyday conservative counterparts. Way more scary. For instance, O’Donnell once suggested to the MTV crowd that they refrain from masturbation. Uh… yeah. And judging from the fly hair and nails O’Donnell has in that circa 1996 video, I sure as hell hope she sees the irony in that. Anti-masturbation!?! Ha! Such a message EXPLODES with drama!!!
Hate me ‘cuz all the Teabaggers are doin’ it, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right!
And so in this Podcast…
It’s our monumental TENTH EPISODE, y’all! Party is the name of the game as Jeff, Allen and Johanna dive into an exciting playoff tempered show including three hallowed memories, two Morgans (Nyjer and the Captain) and one inception… not to mention a whole lot of confusion over a $500 pair of speedos with Albert Pujols’ face on it. Plus much more, including the Lou Piniella mailbag! All to make you laughy-time!
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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*
Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*
thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and
all-around sound guru. Check out
his Undercast podcast and visit his movie-making website Undercard Films if you don’t want him to kick your bum. Did I mention he is an MMA fighter? It’s true. How else do you think Johanna’s face got so disfigured?!? Lookout!
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Recorded Saturday, September 11, 2010
“We feel at home
here and among our brothers … we’re going to be together until the
end,” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told his Venezuelan
counterpart Hugo Chavez during a visit to Latin America on Wednesday.
Both leaders roundly denounced US “imperialism,” and Chavez also called Israel “a murderous arm of the Yankee empire.”
Was anyone else consumed by the heebie-jeebies while reading that little clip? Okay, good. Glad it’s not just me.
This odd world political pairing is akin to Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger teaming up on a spooky Friday night while unsuspecting horny high school kids party in a remote campground nearby.
In other words, it’s gonna get messy.
And here I thought the only ‘murderous arm of the Yankee empire’ belonged to a big portly fella by the name of Sabathia, backed by a pair of oversized pinstriped pants for an oversized caboose insured for around $161 million.
Yes, dear readers, I think it is safe to say that Ahmadinejad and Chavez are secret members of the Red Sox Nation.
Hate me ‘cuz I expose the truth, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Yes, dear readers, the pitcher formerly known as C.C. Sabathia is now to be known only as CC Sabathia, which is really just the same name sans those pesky little periods — the same things my sisters have been whining and complaining about for years.
Look, C.C. — er, I mean, CC, I get it… all those punctuating periods, dots, bumps in the road… they get in the way. They put a damper on things. I feel your pain. But if you’re going to all of the sudden change the way your name is presented in print worldwide couldn’t you be a little more emphatic about it than simply saying:
“I guess I’d go no periods.”
That doesn’t sound like you mean it, C.C. And because you don’t sound like you mean it, I’m not changing a damn thing. You will forever be C.C. to me — with periods. Consider me cramping your style, Mr. Sabathia. (That was a big friggin’ cheesy pun and I take complete ownership of that).
*Note to the uneducated: periods are necessary to indicate stopping points.
When I look at CC, what do I see? Two consonants begging for a vowel. Take heej and beej for example. Without a period between HJ and BJ, you get a couple of awfully funny sounding euphemisms for things I don’t want my mother to know about. Do you see, C.C.? Do you see what you’re doing?
What would E.E. Cummings be without periods? Eeeeeeeeeeeeee. Gross.
When the news first broke a couple of days ago, I chuckled away the thought that people would actually pay attention to this minor detail of an otherwise blockbuster of a story (the trade between the Indians and the Brewers). Why did it matter? Why did Sabathia wait until leaving Cleveland to make this monumental name change? Honestly, I thought this would just disappear into a series of tubes…
Alas, no! Dear reader, we live in tumultuously technocratic times and I’m here to tell you that an hour after the story broke, even the mighty Wikipedia had fallen under C.C.’s spell.
But I am no dummy. The older I get, the wiser I become. Today I am able to admit my shortcomings and tell of a time when my cavalier spirit got the best of me: having fallen a slave to the many conjurations of my own aura, I legally changed my name from “Jeff” to “Jefff” fanatically crying out to the world that the last “F” was indeed silent.
No one got it.
And in what I thought was an enchantingly austere state of dignity and self-worth brought on by my my bold name change alone, I ran myself directly into the ground until one day I woke up under a Las Vegas overpass with no shirt on, covered in unidentifiable cuts and bruises, reeking of Tanqueray, vomit and Marlboro Lights, my possessions consisting of two dimes, a nickel and three pennies.
So, take it from me, stick with C.C., C.C.
And don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Ah, yes, we humans can be quite the dreamers sometimes. I know I can. I won’t tell you about my most recent dream (believe me, you’d thank me if you could) but I would like to take the time to call out others on their misconstrued fantasies regarding the happenings in the world. On this day in particular — as is usually the case — there is no shortage of ridiculous thoughts, imaginations and pipedreams circulating the baseball-politico world.
Thankfully, these make-believe ideas have not breached the walls of my psyche. It hasn’t been easy staving off the onslaught of fans seeking a glimpse of glory, but I’m proud to say that, for this night, I’ve evaded the paparazzi, locked the doors and shut all the windows. I am safe. And as a stand-up man who speaks for intelligent US Americans around the globe, let me begin by saying that it is a complete pipedream that…
The MLB All-Star Game Is Anything But a Popularity Contest
I know, I know… same story, different year. Seriously though? If “this time it counts” continues to be the theme, the goal, the prize, then why leave it up to a bunch of numbnuts (the American Public — yeah, I said it; they voted for Dubya twice) to decide who should start this pivotal game? How do we do it? Here’s how: don’t let Yankees and Red Sox fans vote. And Florida — the entire state of Florida should not be able to vote… just for fun and because they kind of deserve that punishment. If I’m Terry Francona, and I have even a remote chance of managing in the World Series, I want Jermaine Dye on my team.
It is also an absolute pipedream that…
John McCain Could Balance the Budget By the End of His First Term
This is actually two pipedreams: 1) that he could indeed balance the budget and 2) that he would ever have a first term. Here’s the thing, how are we US Americans supposed to believe we could balance the budget by pouring more money, more resources, more troops into Iraq for another 100 years? We’ve already spent over 500 billion dollars in Iraq since 2002 and lost over 4,000 service men and women. How high will that number go over the next 100 years? And how would we do it when Maliki & Co. want us OUT!?!
Speaking of lunacy, it is also a complete pipedream that…
Rich Harden Will Bring the Cubs a World Series Championship
I know you guys want to believe it. I know you do. You won’t shut up about it. You pretend that the Cardinals aren’t right on your tails. You pretend the Southsiders don’t exist. You actually believe that “this is your year”. Well, it ain’t. And this so-called blockbluster trade proves it. Let me tell ya something: Billy Beane doesn’t trade away a guy unless there’s something wrong with him (see Mark Mulder, Tim Hudson, Barry Zito). There’s something wrong with Harden. I don’t know what it is yet; but I will. I hear that there is a very strong possibility that it involves a goat.
So yeah… it is also an absolute pipedream that…
Obamacons Actually Exist
Like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and a sober Amy Winehouse, these dreamed-up conservative supporters of Barack Obama aren’t real. Hallmark is busy making up a holiday for them to star in.
Yes. It’s true. And it is also a complete pipedream that…
Alex Rodriquez Will Ever Stay Out of the Tabloids
He’s the best there is at what he does. He’s good looking. He’s into Kabbalah. That’s really all I have to say about that. This is just an excuse to post his picture. I don’t know if you, dear reader, are aware, but RSBS has quite a diverse following: whites, blacks, men, women, Chinese, Japanese and yes, even gays. In fact, I have been pestered by the homosexual community to post more pictures of A-Rod and other cute guys. So here you go, fellas:
Barack Obama Is a Flip-Flopper
Just not true. I know, I know… the Republicans have used this strategy before with much success (see John Kerry, Al Gore) so it makes perfect sense why they would pull it out again; however, this is Barack Obama we’re talking about here. It has been his position since the beginning of the campaign to begin a controlled withdrawal of combat brigades in Iraq. To all you flip-flop-mongering hope-squashing old-hat-wearing Republicans, here’s a great big RSBS EAT IT!
While you’re eating it, please know that it is also an absolute pipedream that…
Kosuke Fukodome Should Be a Starter In the All-Star Game
Soto? Yes. Soriano? Yeah, sure. Fine. Fukudome? No. And here’s why: his line isn’t nearly as good as those who got snubbed completely. Compare his line against those of Corey Hart, Rick Ankiel, Aaron Rowand. I find it very ironic that a fan base that used racial slurs and stereotypes to “welcome” their foreign star stumped the voting booths to make him a starter. So is the way of the Cub fan…
And let me tell ya, it is
also a complete pipedream that…
Anyone Will Care About What John McCain Has to Say at the Republican Convention When the ‘Skins Battle the Giants in an Exciting NFL Opening Night Showdown!
Are you ready for some football?!?
And if that doesn’t get you excited, let me inform you that it’s also a complete pipedream that…
This Randy Johnson Destroying a Bird with a Baseball Video Will Ever Get Old
And really folks, I know it’s an absolute pipedream that…
I’m Anywhere Close to Being Angelic
However, pictures don’t lie and this random shot taken of me in the wee hours of the July 4th morning clearly shows illuminated wings protruding from my back. Say what you will about it, but I’m pretty convinced that I have the whole Michael Landon Highway To Heaven thing goin’ on here.
By the way, the tough guy in the lower left is my Turkish bodyguard Omar; so don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right or I’ll tell him where you live.