Tagged: Cheap Shots

You Are What You Eat

If you have a stomach strong enough to stand the neverending barrage of political headline craptitude, then you might already know that the Mitt Romney camp is eager to point out that Barack Obama ate dog as a child.  Obviously, this is pretty important stuff.  As the Republicans know, you are what you eat (is Astroglide edible?), and no doubt, Obama’s youthful ingestion of doggie treats certainly makes him unfit for a job as demanding as the presidency.

Which got me thinking about my favorite baseballers and what they eat.  Sure, some probably go for too much hot dog and not enough arugula salad, but let us examine to make sure.  The interns have graciously prepared some slides.

Jonathan Broxton

Eats…

McPizza.  Right?  Weighing 300 lbs. as a baseball player ain’t easy, but when you only pitch every once in a while and you eat crap like the above, then it’s easy as McPie.

Tom Gorzelanny

Eats…

Baby Ruth.  Duh.

Josh Hamilton

Eats…

T*****s.

Dee Gordon

Eats…

Nothing??!!  Dude is about to disappear!

And finally (you probably knew this was coming)…

Prince Fielder

Eats…

The known universe.

To be exact, this idea references a fascinatingly disturbing thought theorized by famed astrophysicist, Neil DeGrasse Tyson.  One could look at it the way he explains — that an entire universe could be within each and every one of us.  Or, you can think (like me), that dude doesn’t get that large unless he eats everything in the entire known universe.

Either way, don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Notes from a Semi-Regular Tradition

Sunday was my first opportunity to get to the ballpark in 2012, so I grabbed a friend, put on some summery clothes and headed to Sox Park for Jackie Robinson Day!

I’ve seen some great baseball on Jackie Robinson Days past, all of which were pitchers duels (my drug of choice), but with a Rick Porcello v. Chris Sale matchup looming, I wasn’t expecting much.  The pair would end up surprising me, but that wasn’t all:

  • This was the FIRST April baseball game in Chicago I have ever attended where a hat, gloves and scarf were not needed. No joke. I was in a t-shirt. Sweating at times.
  • Miggy can play D. I hung two stars on my scorecard for him, including a barehanded grab-and-throw that nailed a speedy Alexei Ramirez at first.
  • I understand the importance of Jackie Robinson Day and all, but is it necessary that EVERY player and EVERY coach wears the same number 42? It is a scorecard junkie’s worst nightmare! Every time I looked up I had no idea who was doing what.
  • And those ugly throwback ’72 Sunday home game red-pinstriped White Sox unis didn’t last past the 70s for a reason. They are HIDEOUS. Throw them out! Along with Alex Rios!
  • It was a day game. Sure it was a bit overcast, but there was sunlight. Plenty of it. But that didn’t stop the White Sox personnel from turning ALL the stadium lights on like it was a night game! There was WAAAAY too much light. WASTED light! I know ‘Merica is a nation of excess, but good grief.
  • Despite the new uniform, Prince Fielder is still fat.

Hate me ‘cuz I take tedious notes, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right!

Peace,

Jeff

Three Up, Three Down

Just like a rainbow themed slap bracelet, this is gonna be loud, colorful and could quite possibly cause a ripple in your otherwise tame relationship.

The Iron Fist of King Bud’s Court
Troy Tulowitzki pisses off Ubaldo Jimenez.  Jimenez subsequently beans Tulowitzki.  Jimenez gets slammed with a 5-game suspension.  And speaks:

“I can’t control what people say. People act like this is the first time that somebody got hit. It happens in the game. That’s part of the game. It’s always been part of the game.”

Ubaldo is right.  We don’t know if it was on purpose.  Beanballs happen all the time.  We can assume it was intentional considering the circumstances, but we can’t be sure beyond a reasonable doubt.  This is the beauty of the unwritten rules of baseball, a game where players police themselves and do what they gotta do to survive.  But alas, there is no constitution in King Bud’s dictatorship.  If these guys didn’t bank millions of dollars I’d expect an uprise.

If Only 4 Days Meant “Forever”
Pennsylvania Taliban leader, Rick Santorum, is taking 4 days off from his fledgeling  (not to mention INSANE) republican primary campaign.  Why?  I dunno.  Maybe he realizes a 4th grade life skills level isn’t enough to be in such a demanding position.  Maybe he fears a widespread Santorum epidemic.  Or maybe his invisible friend in the sky who hates women and gay people told him to.  I don’t know.  I only wish it were forever.

The Heat Is On!
Baseball is back to FULL THROTTLE, my friends, and that means no more dirt kickin’, no more gloomy day sobfests, no more Perfect Strangers marathons on sleepless nights (okay, maybe I can’t go that far, yet).  But the truth is: baseball is back for a long, long time.  So let’s live!  To celebrate, Igive you the song I remember most from my youthful, endless summers at Busch II.  Whenever I hear this song, I immediately picture an Ozzie to Tommy to Jack double-play.

Happy Friday!

Jeff

The Tricks They Play!

What does a World Champion do to his World Champion pal on April Fool’s Day?

Berkman plays truck prank on Wainwright

By Jenifer Langosch / MLB.com

JUPITER, Fla. — Lance Berkman and several Cardinals teammates helped pull off a terrific April Fools’ joke on Adam Wainwright during Sunday’s game.

The pranksters had the public address announcer give away a car to a fan, who, playing along with the gag, ran onto the field to collect his gift. Berkman drove the vehicle — Wainwright’s white Chevy Silverado — onto the field and past an unsuspecting Wainwright, who did a double-take at the license plate while sitting in the dugout.

The winning fan, who was David Freese’s cousin, jumped into the back of the truck and Berkman drove out of the stadium.

FANTASTIC!

I love being witness to the shenanigans baseballers indulge in.  And I ain’t talkin’ about chicken, beer and video game shenanigans.

I’m talkin’ about bubble gum caps, the infamous “hot foot”, and my personal favorite, the post home run silent treatment.  In my opinion, Alex Rodriguez is the best at dishing this one out to unsuspecting rookies.  Every time I see it happen I literally L-O-L.

Another hilarious prank that takes place almost every single day of the season is what happens (or doesn’t happen) at Wrigley Field from April to September, though that’s another post for another day.

Hate me.  It’s all good.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Why I am Leaving MLB

The recent New York Times editorial/open letter from a former Goldman Sachs employee appears to have opened the floodgates to those seeking to leave behind a no longer fulfilling employment.  However, RSBS was still shocked when the following letter arrived in our inbox the other day signed simply, Bud S.

-A
________________

TODAY is my last day at MLB. After more than 40 years at the organization — first as a minority owner of the Milwaukee Braves, then in bringing the Seattle Pilots to Milwaukee and renaming them the Brewers, and now as commissioner — I believe I have worked here long enough to understand the trajectory of its culture, its people and its identity. And I can honestly say that the environment now is as toxic and destructive as I have ever seen it.

To put the problem in the simplest terms, the interests of the owners continue to be sidelined in the way the organization operates and thinks about making money. MLB is one of the world’s largest and most important sports leagues and it is too integral to global baseball to continue to act this way. The organization has veered so far from the place I created that I can no longer in good conscience say that I identify with what it stands for.

But this was not always the case. For instance, over more than a decade I made sure that steroids not only entered the game but also redefined it.  By looking the other way while Sammy, Mark and Barry launched bomb after artificially powered bomb, I ensured that baseball once again excited the ordinary American that had been lured away by the corn syrup sweetness of NASCAR and the NFL.

I knew it was time to leave when I realized I could no longer look players in the eye and tell them they could continue to juice.

How did we get here? The organization changed the way it thought about owners. Ownership used to be about overcharging fans, merchandising everything from jock straps to girly colored hats and looking the other way while players shot ‘roids in the locker room. Today, if you treat the team as your personal piggy bank (and use its assets to pay off the divorce settlement with your crazy ex-wife) you will lose the team and the money from its lucrative TV rights.

There used to be three quick ways to become a leader among owners: a) Execute on the organization’s “axes,” which is MLB-speak for persuading your fans to buy tickets or other products that we are trying to get rid of because they are not seen as having a lot of potential profit. b) “Hunt Elephants.” In English: get your fans — some of whom are sophisticated, and some of whom aren’t — to buy whatever will bring the biggest profit to MLB. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t like selling my clients a product that is wrong for them. I prefer to sell them at least three. c) Find yourself sitting in a seat where your job is to trade any washed-up, aging slugger for much more than he’s worth.  Adam Dunn, anyone?

Today, though, many owners display an MLB culture quotient of exactly zero percent. I attend postseason merchandising and ticket sales meetings where not one single minute is spent asking questions about how we can help owners or hose fans. It’s purely about how we can make this a “September to Remember.” If you were an alien from Mars and sat in on one of these meetings, you would believe that an owners’ success or pocketbook was not part of the thought process at all.

When I was a minority owner I didn’t know where the bathroom was, or how to tie my shoelaces. I was taught to be concerned with learning the ropes, finding out how to charge more for cheaper hotdogs, understanding the process of selling the same volume of beer at three different (and increasingly more expensive) prices, getting to know our players and what motivated them while making sure they had a safe place and a helping hand when injecting steroids in their asses.

My proudest moments in life — owning a Brewers team that posted one of the worst winning percentages over a ten-year period in the history of baseball, joining other owners in colluding and then helping pay the $280 million settlement, overseeing the worst All-Star game in the history of baseball — have all come through focusing on profits and passing the prices on to the fans. MLB today has become too much “the fan experience” and not enough about soaking the suckers. It just doesn’t feel right to me anymore.

I hope this can be a wake-up call to the owners. Make your fellow owners the focal point of your business again. Without fans you will not make money. In fact, you will not exist. But fans are simple-minded sheep who will do whatever you want so don’t worry about them. Get the culture right again, so people want to work here for the right reasons: steroids and making money for the owners. People who care only about making fans happy will not sustain this organization — or the trust of the owners — for very much longer.

Bud S.

Don’t Get Pinched: Clink a Pint and Do Some Good!

Kiss me, I’m Irish!

Okay, I’m not Irish.  I’m Scottish.  We make the whisky.  But when it comes to beer, it just doesn’t get any better than Ireland’s very own Guinness!!!  I’m assuming you already have a pint in your hand.  If not, GET ONE!

And while doing so, please take a moment to join RSBS and Guinness in setting the world record for the largest St. Patrick’s Day party on the planet!  It’s easy.  Just go to Guinness.com, verify you’re 21 years or older, then click “Join The Party.”  Just type in your first name, country and zip code and then in the “optional code” box, enter the code “REDS” and Guinness will send $1 to RSBS, a dollar which we’ll be donating to Baseball Tomorrow Fund participant, Noble Network Charter Schools.

To show our appreciation, think on the following:

It also happens to be the combined blood alcohol content for the 2011 Red Sox starting rotation.

And the only active baseballers I can think of named Patrick right now are… none! Since Pat the Bat retired, I can’t think of a single one player named Patrick.
So that would be right around the same time the Cubs celebrate 8,853 years without a World Series title.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Jeff

Situation Normal?

Last year the Pirates tried to put an end to my relentless attack of literary low blows.  Shortly after the All-Star break they were atop the NL Central and my head was appropriately buried in the sand (not kidding; by the way, it sucks.)

But then came Jerry Meals’ blown call and down, down, DOWN came the Pirates, settling into yet another comfortably uncomfortable 90 loss season.

Look, I’ve been burned before too, so I sorta feel for Pittsburgh.  At the same time, insanity is still doing the same things over and over again expecting different results, right?  So why should anyone in Pirate land be surprised?

THE FRONT OFFICE AIN’T DOIN’ IT RIGHT.

With the exception of Andrew McCutchen in 2005, the last 20 first round draft picks taken by Pittsburgh is a who’s who list of overblown talent busts.  Among the KINGS OF NOBODYLAND are the likes of Bobby Bradley (1999), John VanBenschoten (2001) and Bryan Bullington (2002) — great sounding names, but swings and misses nonetheless.

Neal Huntington and the rest of the front office can say they’re doing things differently, but as long as they keep hoping Pedro Alvarez spends as much time perfecting his baseball tools as he does looking at the ground feeling sorry for himself, I’m afraid they have a long way to go.

Isn’t it about time they bring up those two Indian dudes?

Hate me.  It’s all good.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff