Tagged: Congress

RSBS Presents: Pain

jeff running houston half.jpgMy morose and oft despondent colleague, Mr. Krause, recently addressed our mutual passion for the sport of long distance running, and in doing so, alluded to the fact that such passionate loyalty requires a certain tolerance for pain. 

Indeed, running begets pain.  But said pain often calluses the soul, prepares it for the ultimate fight — whether physical or mental — and breeds a certain unparalleled toughness that can guide one through any hardship.  This I know.

Pain is a binding precursor to ecstasy.  Without it, we wouldn’t know a good thing if it hit us in the face… which, would be ironic in this case, because — depending on what the object hitting us in the face is — that could possibly hurt.

But I digress. 

Perhaps the following irony deficient examples will help better illustrate my point:

Jayson Werth cigar.jpgJayson Werth
(aka Nipple Abrasions — minor yet aggravatingly debilitating)
Congratulations, Washington Nationals, on signing Alfonso Soriano 2.0!  No, seriously, I really am happy for you.  I mean, y’all have had some painfully troublesome moments in your six year history… y’know, like, sucking and all.  Then Strasburg went down… Dunn got away… and now you dole out $18 million a year for SEVEN YEARS to your division rival’s 32 year-old third fiddle.  Um… okay.  The bad news is: you got screwed.  The good news is: it’ll be over in seven years.  By then you will be so learned, so deteriorated, so callused by anguish that every little victory will seem colossal.  Maybe you’ll even smile.  Maybe.

usa-flag-inside-map.jpg‘Merican Politics
(aka Plantar Fasciitis — excruciatingly biting, often chronic)
Eight years of Dubya.  A war in Afghanistan.  A war in Iraq.  The continued waste of an asinine war on drugs, on poverty, on progression in general.  The complete upheaval of congress from one extreme to another, to another, then back to where it started again.  We don’t have healthcare, we do have healthcare, we don’t have healthcare.  We’ve no jobs.  Our farmers are forced to grow crap crops to make corn syrup which is then injected into all your food so that you are prone to overeat, become obese, get diabetes and die.  Yeah.  That’s some real pain right there; makes Canada sound like the Playboy Mansion.  Ms. Teen South Carolina, you with me?

pirates fan.jpgThe Pittsburgh Pirates
(aka Hitting the Wall or “Bonking” — worst case scenario your body loses the ability to function due to depleted glycogen stores)
Two words: Matt Diaz.  Wow.  Just… wow.  Dear readers, when signing Matt Diaz is a big deal, you know your team is in trouble.  In the Pirates’ case, they’ve been in trouble since 1992, they show zero signs of improvement, and life is just gonna get more and more painful for the handful of baseball fans left in Pittsburgh. 

Just remember:

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

My advice?  Go Steelers! 

Hate me ‘cuz I bring da pain, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

A Tale of Two Ads

In the world of advertising, there are two popular ways to promote and/or sell one’s product.  One way, which isn’t recommended, is to be a real dick about it.  Ya know, start off by saying your opposition (or whoever really, doesn’t matter) is the worst… ever…. in history.  Then make some funny faces into the camera to make us forget that you’re the son of one of earth’s dumbest human beings.  Then, threaten violence.

Sorta like this:

Kinda lame, yeah? 

That’s because the product itself is lame (sorry, Arizona, but y’all are really failing me on your decisions of late).  Bottom advertising line: avoid lame products.

morgan freeman undercast.jpgBecause when the product is as awesome and as captivating and as moving as the hallowed RSBS Podcast, then the good vibes of promoting it just sorta roll out… naturally… on the interwebs and beyond, as is the case at UNDERCAST.  Go to this episode of UNDERCAST and listen to the sweet-@$$ commercial at the beginning (you’ll probably wanna listen to the rest of the show too, if you like enjoying life that is).

Q:  What’s Red State Blue State?

A:  It’s a podcast.  About baseball.  And other things.

Q:  What’s baseball!?!

A:  America’s pastime.

Q:  What’s America!?!?!

Ask yourself that question again, dear readers, and ask it often: What is America?

And how disturbed are you that part of it is going to be run by another Quayle?

Happy Friday!

Jeff

A Lesson Before Lying

mark kirk.jpgThe English language is such that certain phrases, through overuse, become cliches because they tend to contain some inherent truth, some life-lesson validity, something worth paying attention to.  That’s why when Momma says “honesty is the best policy”, you can be pretty sure that indeed, telling the truth is an excellent formula for leading a controversy-free life.

But this is US America, and in US American politics, the reverse seems to be most popular among the entitled electorate.  I mean, how else can we explain the pure idiocy that runs rampant among big-headed suits who think they can get away with chasing skirts, hooking up in airport restrooms and misappropriating federal funds, without someone figuring it out, eventually?

This is the INFORMATION AGE, people. Technocracy trumps everything.  Go ahead and lie to my face.  No, really.  Do it.  Just know that I can uncover your lies and ruin your reputation with just a few simple finger strokes on my smartphone. 

Yeah, my phone is smart, dude; much smarter than US Senate candidate Mark Kirk (R-IL), who once challenged on his myriad military record embellishments, is finally starting to remember what actually happened.

Yeah, he said he fought in Operation Desert Storm.  That’s a lie.

Yeah, he said he served in Operation Iraqi Freedom.  Uh… yeah, that’s a lie.

And… yeah, Kirk also said he won the Navy’s award for Intelligence Officer of the Year.  Yep.  You guessed it.  That’s a lie, too.

Of course, Congressman Kirk is admitting to all this stuff now, because he’s being called out on it by the press — y’know, people with a lot of access to actual information.  The irony here is that now Kirk — who based on character alone was an excellent candidate to defeat mafia-tied Democrat Alexi Giannoulias in the Illinois US Senate seat race — now appears less appealing to the public than his allegedly corrupt opponent.

tim johnson.jpgGood grief, don’t any of these guys know who Tim Johnson is!?!?!?

This, dear readers, is just further proof that baseball is the game above all games.  We are adamantly vitriolic towards those baseball entities who lie about their past (Tim Johnson, Mark McGwire and Pete Rose come to mind initially), but in the political world, we’ve come to expect such shenanigans and are surprised by (or at least suspicious of) those who appear squeaky clean.

One thing is for certain: Kirk ain’t gettin’ my vote.  And neither is Alexi.  Yep, I feel another Frank Thomas write-in campaign might be necessary…

Hate me ‘cuz I’m known to flip out, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The Hand Skills Game

selig_umps_allstar.jpgFor a blog that purports to cover baseball and politics, we have been sadly remiss in following up on the great health care debate.  Sure, we paid attention as the package finally came to a vote and at least mentioned the outcome.  But what do we really think?

Well, these things take time to ponder.  And considering that this debate has been going on since at least WWII, the couple weeks we took to think it through isn’t so bad.  It’s an interesting bill especially because no one is really happy.  It’s the Congressional equivalent of the 2002 All-Star Game.  There were triumphant moments, there were awful moments and, in the end, everyone left just kind of feeling a little empty.  The left thinks it didn’t go far enough and the right thinks it’s Armageddon.  So what’s the truth?

I could try and explain the positives and negatives of the bill in my own words but Frank Rich already nailed the essence of what I could say in a column from a few weeks ago.  And since there’s not a whole lot I can add to that, let me just say this.  Whether you like the bill or not, this is a huge victory for Obama.  The Republicans can stake the 2010 midterms on their opposition to the bill and their intentions to repeal it but how are you going to explain that you want to reinstate language for pre-existing conditions into health coverage?  Because, let’s be honest, that’s what the debate is going to boil down to. 

Perhaps it would be easier if I could represent Obama’s victory to you in a more visual manner.  So, maybe this will help.  Pretend that the guy making the video is President Obama and Enton Gill is the Congressional Republicans.  Watch the video and you’ll see what I mean:

I imagine the Republicans will have a similar reaction when they finally open their eyes.

-A

You’ll Go Blind; So What

david paterson smiling.jpgFear not, dear readers, for the scare huckin’ shadow casting done by my chiding and oft misleading colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, is nothing more than seductive pomp and circumstance meant to dissuade you from the truth!  Sure, sure… the Republicans are transitioning into the high profile sex game.  So what?  It’s about time they join the proverbial party (DNC approved or not) because to be honest, the political sex scene could use some old spice (pun intended).  But there is no way in Congressional hell (it’s a lot like Ames, IA only less corn) that the Republicans are stealing the show.

And that’s the thing.  Ya see, the Democrats are still gettin’ their sexy on, it’s just that we’ve seen so much of it in recent years that it’s simply boring to us now (think John “You Are the Father” Edwards).  I mean, New York Congressman Eric Massa is doing so many inappropriate things to so many different people that the best thing for him right now would probably be to grab an adult magazine and cool out it in a truck stop restroom for a few days… wait.  No.  That’s a bad idea.  Bad, bad, bad idea.

But, seriously, if all these politicians just learned to take out their “frustrations” on themselves (privately, of course) rather than act out on others, maybe our government would be just a little more productive.  We live in the 21st century, people.  All kinds of new, innovative stuff exists for no other reason than to get us those happy endings!  So what if we all go blind… now the goods come in braille!  What do we need our eyes for!?!? Eh!?!?

Whew.  Okay.  That may have been the longest introduction to a main point ever, but it had to be done.  I have no regrets.

And in case you are wondering what the actual point of this piece is, well, it is simply to inform you that a braille book on the history of the Chicago Cubs franchise is also in the works.  The rumored list price is nowhere near the 150 Pounds Sterling it will cost you to get one of those braille p0rno books, but that is simply because the Cubs history book consists of just… one… letter:

L

Hate me ‘cuz I gitz long-winded, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy!

A Miracle on Capitol Hill

nancy_mrT.jpgWhile the east coast continues to dig out from the 20 inches of snow that fell over the weekend, Congress is doing its part by expelling as much hot air as possible to aid in the recovery. This isn’t exactly something new for our esteemed parliamentarians but debates like this ongoing health care discussion seem to bring out even more bloviation than usual.

The worst part is that we all know it’s just a dog and pony show since the bill is going to pass once Joe Lieberman finishes lobotomizing it. And when it’s all said and done, it will be up to President Obama to gloss over the facts and say that this lump of coal given him by a Congress all dressed up in a Santa suit is exactly what he had on his Christmas list.

If it was me sitting on this pseudo-Santa’s lap, I’d turn and punch him right in the face. This isn’t Kris Kringle in Miracle on 34th Street replacing a drunk Santa Claus and making a little girl believe in Christmas. This is Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa getting drunk, pissing himself and all but sodomizing little children. Come to think of it, that’s not too far off the mark when it comes to describing Congress anyway.

So, how about it ladies and gents of the Congress? This could be our Christmas miracle. America wants it, you can make it happen and more than that, wouldn’t it be nice to give your constituents some sort of assurance that if they get sick, they will be taken care of? Too bad that instead you seem hell-bent on making the same kind of joke out of health care that Nancy Reagan made out of drugs.

-A

A Healthy Solution

As the health care bill moves to debate on the senate floor, partisans on both sides are gearing up for what is expected to be an epic battle. The conservatives, exhorted onward to ever greater paroxysms of religious (and irreligious) indignation by Glenn Beck and his ilk, decry the very thought of doing away with the current system that has failed so miserably. Meanwhile the liberals turn every which way but loose making a perfect hash out of what should have been the easiest sell in the history of sales pitches. And who suffers? Just the millions of Americans without coverage.

However, we here at RSBS may have come up with a perfectly libertarian solution which even our friend Jonestein could be proud of. Take a look at this video and pay special attention to the chorus:

There, did you catch it? “Have a baby by me, baby, be a millionaire.” It’s the answer to everything. What we need right now is for all the wealthy people in our country, be they entertainers, moguls, crime lords or even baseball players, to have babies by other women so they can then pay their doctor bills. It’s foolproof!

I understand that some people will have a problem with this solution, especially the people who have to get the ugly girls pregnant. But the United States was built on sacrifice. Besides, that’s what we have ugly guys like Vincente Padilla and Bud Selig for. And they need to get on it now. Trust me Bud, it’s going to be just as bad for the girl who’s stuck with you as you think it is for yourself.

Now, we could also follow the more difficult but ultimately more sustainable path described by David Goldhill recently in The Atlantic. But, let’s be honest. Americans are incapable of that much patience and this idea would require a rationality that is light years beyond our elected representatives. And that’s why we come back to 50 Cent. He let us know that it was all right to party like it’s our birthday and now he’s solving the health care problem. If only “Candy Shop” offered some sort of solution to global warming.

-A