When Eliot Spitzer left the political arena in a blaze of infamy, New York laughed at the “reformer’s” comeuppance. When Rudy Giuliani showed his true colors by announcing his intended divorce during a press conference, New York barely payed attention. And when David Paterson showed that he knew how to get around even better than the other two guys, New York couldn’t have been surprised.
In fact, if history is any guide, New York shouldn’t really be surprised by any of these events. The only thing that has changed is that it’s no longer as easy to escape from politically perilous pursuits as it used to be. Grover Cleveland fathered an illegitimate child by a New York socialite but still got himself elected President. And a recent discovery shows just how easy it was for 18th century New Yorkers to experience similar carnal delights.
So, I’ve decided that for this upcoming season, I am going to give all New York ballplayers a free pass when it comes to sexual shenanigans. Sure, they aren’t politicians but they’re world ambassadors for the game so they deserve the same concessions as the true politicos. Beside that, I think it’s what Grover Cleveland would want me to do.
That was a pretty lame pun… one that has probably been done a bazillion times already.
But I don’t care, because it justly proves my point — literally and figuratively — that people with money, people with power, people with clout (like New York governor David Paterson) often get whatever they want, whenever they want it; and you and I Joe Plumbers never hear about it.
NOT THIS TIME!!!
So, as the good gov’nuh pays out his $62K fine (which, is roughly how much Alex Rodriguez makes every three innings) for stickin’ the taxpayer with the cost of his World Series tickets, let us remember that, indeed, even the rich don’t always get what they want.
Unless this was some Red Sox fan-fueled controversy that originated with ill intentions meant to disrupt and expose the Yankees’ front office and their ongoing lobbying interests (which may or may not involve the absolute destruction of Ted Williams’ frozen head).
Yeah, yeah, I know… it’s been over a year since Teddy’s head was even relevant, but just like they say: revenge is a dish best served cold.
Or, on a stick.
Hate me ‘cuz it’s Monday, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Fear not, dear readers, for the scare huckin’ shadow casting done by my chiding and oft misleading colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, is nothing more than seductive pomp and circumstance meant to dissuade you from the truth! Sure, sure… the Republicans are transitioning into the high profile sex game. So what? It’s about time they join the proverbial party (DNC approved or not) because to be honest, the political sex scene could use some old spice (pun intended). But there is no way in Congressional hell (it’s a lot like Ames, IA only less corn) that the Republicans are stealing the show.
And that’s the thing. Ya see, the Democrats are still gettin’ their sexy on, it’s just that we’ve seen so much of it in recent years that it’s simply boring to us now (think John “You Are the Father” Edwards). I mean, New York Congressman Eric Massa is doing so many inappropriate things to so many different people that the best thing for him right now would probably be to grab an adult magazine and cool out it in a truck stop restroom for a few days… wait. No. That’s a bad idea. Bad, bad, bad idea.
But, seriously, if all these politicians just learned to take out their “frustrations” on themselves (privately, of course) rather than act out on others, maybe our government would be just a little more productive. We live in the 21st century, people. All kinds of new, innovative stuff exists for no other reason than to get us those happy endings! So what if we all go blind… now the goods come in braille! What do we need our eyes for!?!? Eh!?!?
Whew. Okay. That may have been the longest introduction to a main point ever, but it had to be done. I have no regrets.
And in case you are wondering what the actual point of this piece is, well, it is simply to inform you that a braille book on the history of the Chicago Cubs franchise is also in the works. The rumored list price is nowhere near the 150 Pounds Sterling it will cost you to get one of those braille p0rno books, but that is simply because the Cubs history book consists of just… one… letter:
Hate me ‘cuz I gitz long-winded, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.