My esteemed colleague and oft unfocused baseball analyst, Mr. Allen Krause, recently enlightened us all to the magical means of the late Dock Ellis’ amazing no-hit “trip” from 1970. While he waxed on the intricately harmonious ballad that is sports-on-drugs by encouraging us to “follow Dock’s example”, as the only RSBS voice of reason, I feel it is my responsibility to post a warning to all those who find this to be a titilating alternative to the grounded world of sober sports.
Dug up by an RSBS intern, this vintage video footage of yours truly catching behind the plate proves that after consuming a wickedly toxic cocktail of magic mushrooms, Johnnie Walker Black and Mary Jane, the game of baseball becomes much more complicated than it really should be. Amazingly enough, my manager left me in the game and every one of the opposing nine went home with a headache. I, too, was seeing stars… but mine were of the more stimulating variety:
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Today is a sad day. Dock Ellis is dead. Now, to be completely honest, I had no idea who Dock Ellis even was but his greatest accomplishment makes him more than a Hall of Famer in my book. Not only did he throw a no-hitter, he did it while tripping the lights fantastic under the influence of LSD. That, my friends, is impressive. I think my favorite quote from his description of the game is, “They say I had about
three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a
ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn’t hit
hard and never reached me.”
That’s the beauty of drugs. Things are never quite what they seem. We expect a little bit more from our politicians, though. For instance, this whole Blago corruption case is slowly turning into a long and really bad trip. Is he a big d-bag? I think that one goes without saying. Is he guilty of corruption? Well, that’s kind of open to debate. But will it be over anytime soon? Only if you consider Easter to be soon.
So what do we do in the meantime? If you live in the Midwest, there’s a pretty simple answer. You get out your snow shovels and try to figure out where you parked your car. If you live in DC, you continue debating the relative merits of renting out your apartment for the inauguration or sticking around for one of the most historic events in our nation’s history. And if you’re a Steinbrenner, you keep trying to recession-proof MLB by throwing money around like it’s going out of style.
However, you could also follow Dock’s example and drop some acid while hoping you don’t suddenly find out that you’re involved in a major sporting event this evening. Your choice.