You probably won’t be too surprised to find out that this guy is a serial killer. It’s not so much the grizzled facial hair or the weirdly screwed shut eye as it is the other eye that says, “I really wouldn’t mind eating your liver.”
With this guy, too, it doesn’t come as surprise that he’s doing some time. After all, how are you supposed to find a legitimate job with a mug like that? If he hadn’t turned to a life of crime, I don’t think there would have been all that many other options.
It’s a little more surprising when a guy with a beautiful wife, money coming out his ears and a baseball team does the same:
But make no mistake, this man is just as much of a criminal as Crazy McEyeballs up there at the top. The only difference is that the guy with the nice head of hair didn’t spend a day in prison and walked away with several million in cash for his crimes.
This Wednesday officially kicks off the 2012 MLB season and even though I’ll probably be fast asleep while it unfolds in the Far East, I’m sure the Japanese will be plenty excited about watching two awful teams compete against one another, especially since there’s at least one Suzuki per nine.
On this side of the pond, we have much, MUCH more to look forward to. In fact, I might need a good tazing before the Cardinals open up in Miami, just so I’m forced to sit down!
Here are some of the things that have me baseball-tweaking:
The GOOD Blue Jays Uniforms Are Back!
Still mesmerized by the awful logo redesign and poor color scheme that killed Joe Carter’s Blue Jays look in 2003, I can’t tell you how happy I am to see the old logo back. And royal blue! No gray! Alongside the Cardinals, Yankees, Dodgers and Red Sox, I gotta say the classic Jays uni is about as smart and sleek as baseball uniforms come.
Grant Balfour Finally Gets to Be a Closer!
The 34-year old Aussie has been quietly waiting in the wings of every team he’s been on and now, finally, the Oakland A’s are giving him a shot at the closer role. I still think closers are overrated, but I like to think that maybe, if Balfour performs well in his new role, he might finally get paid what he’s worth. His numbers are fantastic and most people don’t even know who he is. I’m afraid playing in Oakland won’t help his popularity, but maybe Billy Beane will throw him another peanut. (Also, if you’re wondering, yes, Balfour’s fastball does have an Australian accent.)
I love Bobby Valentine. For myriad reasons. He’s cocky. He’s loud. His feelings get hurt. He’s controversial. He pisses off players, coaches, umpires. And he’s a goddamn baseball genius. HOLLA!!!
Good grief. The dude is gonna be FIFTY this year. FIFTY YEARS OLD. And he’s still gettin’ guys out. I absolutely love that. I love him! How can you not?!?!
And finally… you probably knew this was coming but…
WE ARE CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD.
Hate me ‘cuz I’m loud, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
It used to be that when people heard the word “Brooklyn,” they thought of the Dodgers and Jackie Robinson. The Bronx has the Yankees and all their history but there was something magical about the Brooklyn Dodgers. However, when Walter O’Malley uprooted and replanted the team about as far away from Brooklyn as you could probably get, it left a vacuum in the borough that had to be filled by something. Unfortunately, that void has been filled by something even more nefarious than the Mets or Yankees. Brooklyn has now become synonymous with “hipster.”
I’d like to see Brooklyn reclaim its past glory. This is the land of Robinson and Koufax but now it has become more associated with this:
No matter how you feel about New York and its boroughs, as a baseball fan that has to make you angry.
So I’m proposing that Jay-Z bring the Dodgers back to Brooklyn. He has already been working on getting the Nets out there so why not the Dodgers as well? Sure, I realize that it will mess up the divisions just as some sense of order has finally been restored. And combining a Brooklyn team with the Mets in Queens and the Yankees in the Bronx would make ESPN just that much more NYC/East Coast focused. But it’s not like LA has done much for the Dodgers.
So, how about it Mr. Z? Will you save Brooklyn (and all of us) from the hipster-pocalypse?
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THE FILIBUSTER settles back into the Sunday slot at RSBS in one week! No matter what the query, send it to RSBSBlog@gmail.com and we’ll let you know what we think.
All-around baseball good guy Joe Torre is stepping down from his MLB front office position to pursue his interest in purchasing the Los Angeles Dodgers. While this is bad news (I think) for those of us who hoped he might take over for King Bud once the reign of terror is over at the end of the year, I have to think that a group headed by Torre is probably a great way to save this storied franchise.
Of course, there are alternatives. And yep, you guessed it. The RSBS interns are ready to report:
1. Go back in time, don’t trade Kevin Brown and instead have him break Frank McCourt’s hand so it won’t wander onto a woman who isn’t his wife.
2. Stop making it mandatory that Alyssa Milano wear clothes to the ballpark. (Holy Jackie Robinson, I’ve been in love with Alyssa for 20 years now; she just gets better looking!!!)
4. Get a mascot! I know just the one!
How about signing Prince Fielder? Seriously. Make him some crazy offer like $30 million a year for 6 years or something. Wouldn’t that make the Dodgers a nice, EXPENSIVE and attractive purchase? And besides, it’s L.A. Just use somebody else’s money.
Hate me. FINE. Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
I’m a Cotton-Headed Ninnymuggins
Things are changing for me. Before I know it I’ll be wearing jeans and reading fiction. I don’t know where I am. My favorite color is rainbow. I’m giving in to wearing sandals over socks. I don’t need the therapy! I’m just mentally ill!
Tony Effing LaRussa is back in my world and I CAN’T STAND IT. He’s a throbbing, raging, @$$bag that I wish would go away but he won’t. And you can’t kill him. If you try, he just keeps coming back. And, with all my might, my baseball sensibilities consume me so much that I can’t not respect the man.
When I was a child I would squint and mistake him for Thundercats supervillain Mumm-Ra (Magician or sexual deviant?). I wanted to lightsaber him over and over BECAUSE I AM A JEDI! His steroid riddled teams have infuriated me to no end. I loved the Dodgers and Orel in the 80s, the Giants and their earthquake, my Cubs of the last decade. I’ve always respected the man and his managing abilities; but he really has outdone himself this year. WOW.
When the Cardinals beat the Tigers in their last World Series appearance with no pitching, that was quite a thing. What’s happening now is nothing short of spectacular managing. My Jeffy’s Cards are the hottest team in baseball and I will once again be rooting against Texas. Watching this series will be like being touched by a priest…
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As the possibility of an US default on its sovereign debt draws agonizingly close, I’d like to try and put this in terms that baseball fans can understand. The USA, the greatest country in the history of the world, is about to become to world finance what the Dodgers are to MLB. Yeah, this is bad.
Basically the US is like a rich guy who can keep borrowing money as long as the bank keeps upping his credit limit. He has enough money to pay the interest on the debt and as long as that continues, the bank will keep lending. But when he misses a payment, the bank has to do something about it.
Think Frank McCourt. Dude had money, that’s for sure. But he mismanaged his cash flow and when he and Jamie went bust, the bank took notice when he couldn’t quite make the payments anymore. Pretty soon after that, although maybe not soon enough, MLB took notice, too. Now McCourt has no Jamie and no Dodgers.
The much publicized divorce between the tea fueled Republicans and the spineless Democrats has led the country to the brink of a similar epic failure. There are still a few days left but at this point they’re looking more Frank and Jamie than Nestor and Kristina.
So, for anyone out there who still isn’t convinced that a sovereign default is a bad idea, let me ask you this. Was allowing Frank McCourt to run the Dodgers into the ground a bad idea? If your answer is yes, than it’s time for you to call your congressional representatives. If no, well, you’re either a Giants fan or Michele Bachmann.
A bunch of teams are clustered right around .500 and above and no division is even close to being set at this point. Does this mean baseball is starting to reach parity?
IT’S A TRAP!
It’s not real.
The truth is, the same old teams are still atop the same old divisions. The Yankees. The Red Sox. The Phillies. Okay, so the Mets and Dodgers may be out, but it’s not their faults! They can blame poor ownership and mishandled funds!!!
I know that a quick glance at the standings may confuse the casual onlooker, that one could be easily misguided by the way the teams stack up. But let’s face it: the NL and AL Centrals have been crapshoots for a decade, the NL West has been a contest in mediocrity for a long time. The Angels’ dominance of the AL West was only usurped last year and in 2011 they have put themselves back in contention.
This is not parity. This is, like our US American social ladder, a classic case of 99% of the wealth being in the hands of 1% of the population and everyone else is left to fend for himself. The effect resembles something like parity. But it ain’t.
I really believe that the Mitchell Report and its subsequent juicy fallout has forced teams to go back to what always works: good pitching. With good pitching, you might have a decent shot at accumulating wins. The Giants are a perfect example of a team that gets by on minimal offense and middle-of-the-pack payroll. It’s not the stuff of dynasties… but when it works, it works, and that’s what teams are doing.
The Pirates are winning because of pitching (they can’t hit). The Braves are winning because of pitching (they have a hard time scoring too). The Diamondbacks could always hit, but this year they have… PITCHING.
Great pitching is the best defense against great hitting. I didn’t write that. Baseball wrote that.
When the Orioles and Blue Jays can compete in their own division… when the Nationals have a shot at the big boys in the NL East… that’s when I’ll consider parity’s existence.
But right now that seems like something that could only be found in a galaxy far, far away.
Hate me. Fine. Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
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