In case you haven’t heard, dear readers, the crookedly gangsta guh’v’nuh of my state with the perfectly awful forehead hair will resign… well, sorta… I mean, he will resign only if it’s obvious he is unable to govern the state. And despite the current melee of federal charges and bipartisan disgust for all things Blagojevich, good old Rod thinks he can still do a darn good job of governing for the people of Illinois — the people he’s been dying to to talk to. According to Blago himself, he’s “a fighter“, which is more than we can say about his precious Cubs, who are quite comfortable getting swept and humiliated in the NLDS two years in a row now. But not Blago. Nah, he ain’t going down without a fight, gobdangit!
Sam “Don’t-Call-Me-Boston-Lager” Adams, one of criminal defense guru Ed Genson’s Chi-town cronies, enlightened us all by saying that said resignation wasn’t necessary now as we approach the Christmas season. Beside erroneously assuming all Illinoisans are of the Christian faith, Mr. Adams went on an unnecessary tirade punctuated by a guarantee that if it was obvious Blago couldn’t govern “when it’s time for the Easter bunny” that we could all look for a resignation then.
Gee, that seems fair.
Hijack the highest political post in Illinois for three (or four? who knows?) months until it’s absolutely certain that he is the jerkwad we all know he is?
Damn. Sure feels good to be Joe Taxpayer. Who’s with me?
The only reason I’m not punching someone in the face right now is because deep down, this Blago drama is better than anything on television right now — and until the baseball season starts, I could use that bit of drama.
Just think of all the excitement that will have gone down “when it’s time for the Easter bunny”:
Mark Teixeira will be rich.
The St. Louis Cardinals will be destined for another year of mediocrity.
Barack Obama will be the president.
Manny Ramirez will be rich… and weird.
The San Diego Padres will be awful.
A republican sex scandal most certainly will have stolen the Blago thunder.
Kyle Farnsworth will still be crying.
The ten inches of snow in my front yard will almost be gone.
Dumb Cub fans will be repeating their perennial mantra “this is our year” despite the fact that it — like every other year — clearly is not.
Sam “Don’t-Call-Me-Pumpkin-Ale-Either” Adams will have swallowed his own tongue while watching his client — coiffed hair, lynch-mobbed and all — walk away in handcuffs.
I’m just sayin’…don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Jeffy “So-What-If-I-Sit-At-Home-Alone-On-A-Friday-Night-Drinking-Cherry-Wheat” Lung
“My rackets are run on strictly American lines and they’re going to stay that way.“
— Al Capone (1899-1947)
Dear readers, whilst the baseball mavericks in New York, Boston and New York haggle and jockey for the mightiest and heftiest of major league players (the Sabathias, the Burnetts, the Mannys, the Teixeiras, the K-Rods, the Putzes, blah blah blah) both Chicago teams — the ugly step-sisters of large market franchises — have been busy making equally impressive moves that not only represent the unattested clout of the City of Big Shoulders but also prove that no matter how much money the Northeast Axis of Evil throws at free agents, Chicago still has that good ‘ole familiar, untouchable charm.
“You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.“
— Al Capone
Perhaps this was the motivation for Joey Gathright to become a Cub. Now that’s clout! When I first heard the news, I thought to myself: Wow, the Cubs really showed ’em who’s boss with that move. Take that Jake Peavy and Kevin Towers. Yeah, take that. The Cubs got Gathright. Whoowee, watch out world!
But the Chicago melee of off-season moves didn’t just stop there! No, the White Sox kept ’em comin’ with that miraculous acquisition of Wilson Betemit and mind-blowing one-year signing of DeWayne Wise!
And wait! There’s more…
New York, you think you had a crooked governor? Ha!
You hear that? He’s “dying” to talk to we citizens of Illinois. Dying! See, our seedy politicians don’t just quit when the heat starts coming down on them. No. They stick around, hire expensive, slick-talkin’ lawyers and go for winter jogs in Ravenswood! BOO-YEAH!
Of course, New York (and you too, Boston), it should be known that Chicago isn’t just a harbor for back-alley gangsters and pay-to-play nepotists; no, we also breed crooked wife-killin’ cops who not only get away with murder but crooked wife-killin’ cops who get away with murder TWICE! Then we celebrate when said crooked wife-killin’ cop gets engaged… again! Duh, my friends. Everyone knows that happiness comes in threes. The Chicago Tribune and Sun-Times are already preparing for the inevitable, mysterious disappearance of Drew Peterson’s latest (and perhaps craziest?) fiancé — what normal people call “murder” — but this is Chicago! We do things our way — the US American way!
“Now I know why tigers eat their young.”
— Al Capone
Me too, dear readers.
Look, it’s true. I love Chicago. I really do. It has character, it has heart, it has Oprah.
And yes, when it comes to dueling with the New Yorks (and subsequent Bostons) of the world, certainly, we have an inferiority complex bigger than Rush Limbaugh’s mouth at an all-you-can-eat Ponderosa buffet; but the fact remains:
Wilson Betemit will prove it in 2009.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.