Just like a Cub fan’s hopes for a victorious 2011 season, this is gonna be quick, probably ugly and will require more alcohol consumption than a weekend with Lindsay Lohan:
Those Damn Pirates!
By now, everyone on the planet with the barest inkling of baseball acumen is amazed, flabbergasted and floored that, going into the weekend before the All Star Game, the Pittsburgh Pirates have a winning record. While a lot of folks find that to be pretty swell, I find it to be a major pain in the @$$, because now half of my jokes aren’t even relevant. Thanks a lot, Clint Hurdle. At least, there’s always Bachmann… and Palin… and Beck… and, okay, nevermind, everything’s cool.
The RSBS interns recently handed me a report that suggests White Sox outfielder, Juan Pierre, could very well be an RSBS dear reader galore. In fact, after our very own schlumbach, Johanna Mahmud, went off on a Charlie Sheenian rant slamming the aging speedster, all Pierre did was go 11 for 31 with 2 doubles, 7 RBIs and act as the game winning hero THREE GAMES IN A ROW. To even hint that J.P. is in the same class of awful as Chone Figgins and Raul Ibanez should be a crime. So, next time I see Mr. Mahmud, I’m gonna shoot his eyes with Sriracha and cut off his supply of Goldfish crackers.
Ernie Has Lost His Mind!
Chicago Cubs Hall of Famer, Ernie Banks, was recently quoted as saying the following about current Cubs shortstop, Starlin Castro:
“He’s a great player. He can hit, he can throw. He’s a good young player. He’s better than me.”
*HEAD TWISTS AROUND ITSELF, EYES POP OUT, TONGUE RENDERED USELESS*
Look, the kid is good. But he’s like 10 years old and is baseball stupid. He makes mistakes… all the time! I hope this isn’t a sign that Banks isn’t all there. For a team that doesn’t have much to feel good about, at least they can always feel good about Mr. Cub — that is, until he loses his mind, which may have already happened…
Happy Friday! Call a cab! It’s easy!
Hey hey, everybody! The kings of pain, the Chicago Cubs, have gone and done it again. In one single day the organization was able to provide me with enough fodder to dissect for the rest of the season. But I can’t stretch it out because that wouldn’t be fun, so let’s get to it!
Or shall I say: LETS get to it as in LETS PLAY TWO… as scribed on the new Ernie Banks statue unveiled outside Wrigley Field yesterday. Smart people will notice that the apostrophe is missing from “Let’s” in Banks’ most memorable catchphrase. So who was doing the proofreading for this monument? Aramis Ramirez would be my first guess. Who needs apostrophes when you’re pitting rooster against rooster in a violent cockfighting duel to the death? Fukudome maybe? I so sorry. Is prorry can being dis one. Something tells me his English isn’t so great.
But to read the Chicago Tribune, you’d think Kosuke Fukudome was the second coming of Christ. He’s everywhere! So what, he has a great opening day. Good for him. But can rational human beings really tout him as an MVP candidate after one single game in the Majors? According to the Trib, he was quiet in spring training camp because he was busy working on a SECRET WEAPON. Oooh… secret weapon… like what? An aluminum bat… bionic arm… non-detectable PED injections? In the print version of the Trib article, the actual title is “Secret Weapon Unleashed”. Again, the extremely biased Tribune didn’t realize how third-grade that sounded until after it had gone to print and I called them twenty times to complain (blame Editor Ramirez), so they very smoothly (or not so much) changed the headline for the online version. Of course, if you read the article (why would you?) you will realize that they never actually say what the secret weapon is other than: he hit the ball hard. Look, Fukudome didn’t become a star in Japan for not hitting the ball hard. Isn’t there something more substantial that could be written in the newspaper?
Like Chicago’s relentless search-and-destroy mission for the infamous Bartman. It took 4 and a half years, but Moises Alou finally came out and said “I WOULDN”T HAVE CAUGHT IT ANYWAY.” Nah, you don’t say? I think it has been extremely clear to everyone in the world who has eyesight that this is and always has been the case. And besides, it wasn’t that play that forced the Cubs to lose that series; it was their shoddy defense, lack of clutch pitching and a curse of a goat that got ’em. Poor Bartman did what any other baseball fan would’ve done with a foul ball coming right at him. It makes me sick that Alou is getting good press about coming clean; he should have said something when it actually mattered — when the guy was getting death threats from Wrigleyville drunkards and had to start living underground.
But this isn’t the most ridiculous Chicago Cub story of the day, no, that would go to telling Chicagoland readers that the missing link to a Cubs championship season is groundskeeper ROGER BOSSARD. According to Tribune writer Paul Sullivan:
“Five of the last seven World Series champions played on fields that Bossard either constructed or remade: the 2004 and ’07 Red Sox, the ’01 Diamondbacks, the ’06 Cardinals and the ’05 White Sox.
If Bossard’s magic touch works again, the Cubs will be dancing on their new field come October.”
Right. Forget about hitting, or pitching, or the game in general. Just resurface the field so it drains better and you got yourself a World Series ring. Brilliant.
I thank God every day that I wasn’t born a Cub fan…
…and all I ask is that you don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.