Tagged: Expos

The Road to Despair Goes from El DeBarge to Youppi

eldebarge jet.JPGStanding in the check-out line at my local grocer, I scanned the magazine rack hoping to find out if Khloe Kardashian had eaten herself to death or how drunk Jennifer Aniston got in Cabo while still thinking about Brad.  Instead, I was subjected to an image I thought I’d blocked out 25 years ago:

Eldra “El” DeBarge.

On the cover of Jet.

Who’s Johnny… she said…

*cue the daydream montage*

I see Bert Blyleven record his 3,000th strikeout…

I see Bob Horner hit four homeruns in one game…

I see Mike Scott no-hit the Giants… the Red Sox come back to win the ALCS after being down 3 games to 1… Ray Knight skip like a schoolgirl on Mookie Wilson’s Bill Buckner nutmeggin’ dribbler…

…and… and, I… I see…

YOUPPI.

*snaps out of it*

(wailing)
youppi_i.jpgOh, Youppi… oh, dear, dear Youppi… no!!!  It’s not FAIR!  It’s not fair that El DeBarge gets a comeback and you don’t… not fair that in 2010 you’re relegated to Montreal hockey duty while El DeBarge gets nominated for a Grammy.

A GRAMMY FOR JEEBUS’ SAKE!!!

And you wonder. 

You wonder why I don’t believe in god.

No loving god would subject the altruistic baseball fan to such chronic despair!!!

So hate me ‘cuz I I think El DeBarge topped out in ’86, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The WikiLeaking of Major League Baseball

wikileak.jpegVigilantes! Whistle-blowers! And spies!

Oh my!

Don’t worry, dear readers, RSBS is on it.  Sure, the WikiLeaks crew seems to be focusing their efforts on outing wrongs and ending wars, but don’t forget: a lot of these folks are US Americans (I think?) and after they solve enough military crises and torture pandemics, they’re gonna turn their attention to what really matters:

Baseball.

Luckily, for you, we have the inside track.  Of course, such sensitive information doesn’t come easily, and It is important to remember that many RSBS interns perished in order to bring you the truth.

Please.  Be respectful of that.

And do with it what you will.  After reading the following information, I advise you to lock all the doors, close all the windows and drink some beer.  You’ll feel better.

Maybe.

– – – WIKILEAKS CONFIDENTIAL; MLB FACTION – – –

Derek Jeter is being courted by the Red Sox.  And he is listening.

The Expos are not dead. They’re frozen in carbonite until the Quebecois can be fooled into thinking they’re watching hockey. Almost there.

Peter Gammons is Gepetto. For real.

The Pittsburgh Pirates’ 1979 uniform combos were designed by embedded Russian spies hoping to kill the American public with ugliness. They almost succeeded… if it weren’t for that damn Sister Sledge!!!

Contrary to popular belief, Desmond Jennings is NOT Carl Crawford. The Rays are making a mistake.

Jon Hamm loves the Cardinals. (Oh, that’s not a secret? Of course not… everyone should love the Cardinals!)

The Cubs remain in a perpetual state of misery… because they can. Cubs fans keep coming back. For more.

Prince Fielder is prone to eating himself if left alone for more than 15 minutes at a time.

Yorvit Torrealba’s name spelled backwards is Ablaerrot Tivory, which looks like a Prussian hybrid name. But it’s not. It’s Spanish. Backwards. Try it. You’ll see.

And finally…

We know what Jayson Werth did last summer… and it wasn’t Chase Utley’s wife!!!

– – – END CONFIDENTIALITY – – –

Hate me ‘cuz I get the facts.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 10: Bud Selig’s Salad… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 10.jpg

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast…

It’s our monumental TENTH EPISODE, y’all!  Party is the name of the game as Jeff, Allen and Johanna dive into an exciting playoff tempered show including three hallowed memories, two Morgans (Nyjer and the Captain) and one inception… not to mention a whole lot of confusion over a $500 pair of speedos with Albert Pujols’ face on it.  Plus much more, including the Lou Piniella mailbag!  All to make you laughy-time!

Holla!

– – –

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special

thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and
all-around sound guru.  Check out
his Undercast podcast and visit his movie-making website Undercard Films if you don’t want him to kick your bum.  Did I mention he is an MMA fighter?  It’s true.  How else do you think Johanna’s face got so disfigured?!?  Lookout!

– – –

MUSIC BY MEQQA <— Download their music it is rad as hell 🙂

Recorded Saturday, September 11, 2010

Mayor… Daley… Is… Outta Here!

mayor daley chicago.jpg
That’s right, dear readers.  The ginormously ugly head of the Chicago political machine is callin’ it quits.  He’s done.  Out. 

For good.

The last time Chicago saw such expeditious light, names like Doug Dascenzo and Danny Pascua anchored both sides of the Second City’s streets, while far across the globe, the Soviets were just gettin’ out of Afghanistan, after the United States ignited what would later turn into the biggest American tragedy of all time.

In other words, Mayor Daley’s been around a while.  Perhaps too long.  And we Chicagoans have gotten used to his turbulent tendencies.

So who in the heck is gonna replace him?!?

Don’t worry, folks.  The hardworking RSBS interns have put together a shortlist of candidates, all of whom come highly recommended:


mike quade.jpg
Mike Quade
Sure, a
month ago none of us knew who he was.  But having gone 9-4 in his first
13 games as the Cubs manager, let it be known that no Chicagoan has ever
done more with less than Mike Quade.  Believe that.

rod blagojevich.jpgRod Blagojevich
Let’s
see… He’s a democrat.  He’s a Chicago hardliner.  He’s abrasive. 
He’s on the take.  He’s got “friends” that wouldn’t flinch in breaking
your legs.  He primps for the camera.  He’s full of himself.  He dreams
bigger than he can act.  And he thinks the world revolves around him. 
If that’s all that’s required of the mayor of Chicago then someone give
this guy the key!

And… one final candidate to consider:

jeff with his catalogue.jpgMe!
Why not?  I live in Chicago.  I love Chicago.  Hell, I am Chicago (don’t believe me? Ask me to do my super fan
impression sometime).  Seriously, why wouldn’t I be a good candidate
for the job?  Because I love the Cardinals?  Because I might burn down
Wrigley Field?  So what, I support the Sox and I’d build a bigger,
better Wrigley (to house the Expos I plan to bring back once I get rid
of the sCrUBS).  Okay, so maybe I’m lying about all that — Hey, I’m a
liar! That qualifies me on its own! —  but I will say that I, too, hate
paying the highest sales tax in the country.  I, too, am tired of
reading gang and gun-related headlines.  Let’s make a change, people. 
Let’s get deep dish pizza in all the schools and make it mandatory that
baseball theory is taught to every kindergartner, before they find out about basketball or football.

Hate me ‘cuz you don’t believe that ‘yes, we can’… just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 9: Jeter’s Unfortunate Accident… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 3.jpg

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast…

Once again, Jeff and Johanna tread the unconventional waters of mischief-making as they delve into important social issues such as cock-fighting Aramis Ramirez, Stephen Strasburg’s golden elbow, Katy Perry’s wisdom, the Lou Piniella mailbag and much, much more!  Turn up the volume and chuckle with us, y’all!

Holla!

– – –

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special
thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and
all-around sound guru.  If you like laughing or just wanna listen to some wildly impromptu conversations about food, film making and other important life subjects like living on display in a museum, check out his Undercast podcast.  Visit Undercard Films!

– – –

MUSIC BY MEQQA <— Download their music it is rad as hell 🙂

Recorded Saturday, August 28, 2010

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 6: MLB’s Chimeras… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 7.jpg

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast…

Jeff and his Cub-lovin’ pal Johanna Mahmud put their heads together to find out what’s wrong with Joe Buck’s face… they also talk about a slew of other important stuff, including (but not limited to) Andre Dawson being a bad@ss, why everyone hates Cleveland, Pete Hill of the Negro Leagues, Matt Capps’ ginormous noggin, the Lou
Piniella Mailbag and much,
much more… all to make you laughy time!

Holla!

P.S. Language definitely rated R on this one. We let ourselves go a bit… but it’s a lot of fun (trust us).


– –

Subscribe
to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe

via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special

thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and
all-around sound guru.  His Undercast
podcast is a must-listen (listen to it!).  It’s available on iTunes and
is posted regularly at Undercard

Films.

Recorded Saturday, July 24, 2010

Baseball Meets Art: “The Hawk’s Nighthawks”

Besides baseball, one could say that I get pretty ravenous about the arts. Especially in the winter, when all is dead on the diamond. I pay rent at the Art Institute of Chicago. That’s how often you’ll find me there.

So I got to thinking… what would happen if I combine baseball with the arts?

Awesomeness.

That’s what would happen.

night hawk andre dawson.JPG
Sorry.  Y’all can’t out-hawk the Hawk.

Congrats on the Hall, Andre.

Congrats on being one of the best.

And thanks for not hating me ‘cuz I’m right.

Happy Friday!

Jeff