They might not be everywhere all the time, but the stench of just one weak minded individual has the ability to stamp out all that is good in any given arena, be it physical or mental.
Sometimes the weak throw beer on ballplayers from the bleachers, sometimes they issue fatwas because someone exercised creative license in regard to an archaic lifestyle, and sometimes they walk into Safeway and murder people in droves.
While such instances might not seem like everyday occurrences, let me assure you, they are. We might not hear about every instance, every day, from every corner of the planet; but it seems that the inability to exact rational thought is something that has hindered mankind since… well… since even before we were called ‘mankind’.
Okay, then, what the hell can we do about it? What is the solution? The problem is easily identified, but how do we even begin the process of fixing it?
I don’t have the answer.
Apparently, no one does.
Tragedy continues to strike at the sloppy hands of the weak.
We may not have the answers yet, but if we make a stronger effort to think, to listen, to have compassion for our fellow man — on an individual level — maybe progress can be made.
At the very least, making a personal vow to do the above is a proactive step. And as a species, we need to be as proactive as we possibly can, before it’s too late.
Don’t like Salman Rushdie’s books? Issue a fatwa allowing for his death. Don’t like the intermingling of the sexes in educational institutions? Issue a fatwa allowing for the death of those who okayed it.
I’m not saying all fatwas inspire quite such lunacy and, in fact, despite its modern connotation, a fatwa usually has more to do with the mundane elements of everyday life than anything else.
But, if you take it just a little ways past the line (or way over as in the case of the two I already mentioned), it gets your name out there and lets you make some bold statements. And since nowadays it doesn’t even appear that you have to be a recognized authority to issue a fatwa, I see that as an opening up of the field to just about anyone. With that in mind, here are my first few baseball fatwas:
Starting Kyle Farnsworth is Justification for Losing Your Franchise
Yes, I realize this affects the Tigers just as much as it does the Yankees, Cubs and Royals but at least the Tigers and Yankees never seriously considered this option. As the baseball ascetic, St. Allen of Michigan has brought to our attention many times, Farnsworth is a huge bag of suck and it’s time there were consequences.
Pink Hats Should not be Allowed Into nor Sold in Stadiums
I have mentioned this before but this is my first time codifying the decree. There is no reason to feminize the sport. If you can’t appreciate the game for what it is and need a pink hat to get you to the park, maybe it’s better if you stayed home. Pink is for cotton candy, baby girls and prom dresses, not baseball hats.
Songbirds are Unacceptable Mascots and Their Fans Deserve Ridicule
Look, there are hardcore birds like Eagles and Falcons and then there are pansy birds like Blue Jays, Orioles and Cardinals. You can try to blame it on the owner or tradition but you’re still the one wearing a fancy pigeon on your clothing. I’m even open to extending this fatwa to fans of franchises named after baby animals. Would you cheer for a team if they were called the Puppies? The why would you cheer for the Cubs? Marlins may be fish but they can put up a fight. And if you think that Rays aren’t dangerous, you might ask Steve Irwin for a second opinion.
So, there you have it. My first three baseball fatwas. Now, let the arguments in baseball jurisprudence begin.