There are two taxing and equally debilitating activities that I force myself to partake in, every… single… day. I swallow a big@$$ horse-pill that’s supposed to make my cartilage stronger; and I read all of the headlines on The Drudge Report.
If I had time, I would also stick rusty needles under each of my fingernails.
Why do I do these things? I take the horse-pill ‘cuz it comes highly recommended by my doctor, and my doctor is a smart dude (he hates the Cubs, man!).
And I check in with The Drudge Report because it’s important to know what the “other” side is thinking, how they’re scheming, how they’re fear mongering and how they’re faring in other popular GOP pastimes. But mostly I just like to laugh at how Drudge turns a headline like “Wall Street Baffled by Slowing Economy” into “WE ARE ON THE VERGE OF A GREAT, GREAT DEPRESSION”.
Indeed, I tip my cap for his savvy, but I wave my finger at his twisted incitations.
And to put things in perspective, I instructed the RSBS interns to take three recent MLB headlines and hand them over to Matt Drudge, just to see what would happen.
Here’s what we got:
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Original Headline:”White Sox enjoy another sweep at Fenway”
Headline on Drudge: “SHOW ME ALEXEI RAMIREZ’S BIRTH CERTIFICATE DAMMIT!!!”
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Original Headline: “Holliday, McClellan both land on Cards’ DL”
Headline on Drudge: “HOLLIDAY NEVER F$&*ING TOUCHED HOME, HE NEVER TOUCHED IT, HE NEVER TOUCHED IT, I CALL DO-OVER!!!”
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Original Headline: “Swisher’s Swat Solidifes Sweep for Yankees”
Headline on Drudge: “OMG JORGE POSADA SUCKS, THE BRONX IS BURNING AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!”
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Hate me ‘cuz I got the connections to make it happen, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right!
The buzz during opening week revolved around the Tigers’ abysmal start, the Royals’ surprising young talent, the late inning heroics of the Nationals and Pirates and Dodgers, clutch pitching performances in St. Louis and Cincinnati, key injuries in the NL East and business as usual in the AL East. With these early season surprises and subsequent hype, which MLB division is the strongest, most competitive, must-watch division overall this year?
Well, since I’ve been so busy watching American Idol and trying to save the world, I haven’t had much of a chance to follow all these story lines. And honestly, who cares about the National League? Small ball and pitchers who bat? Sounds like gay porn to me. So, I guess I’ll talk about the only thing I might know something about. No, not US foreign policy since the time of Jefferson. The AL Central.
I will say it now and I will continue to say it all year long. The AL Central is the division to watch this season. The Tigers, once they figure out how to win a game, are going to be unstoppable. The Tribe is ready to go once again. The White Sox are a much improved team since last year. The Twins always find a way to keep themselves in the race. And even KC is looking like they might have a better run in the spoiler role. So, once you take a look around the MLB universe and realize how many bad teams there are in the other divisions, you have to be excited about the AL Central. There isn’t a true dud in the bunch and this thing could be a legitimate 4 team race right down to the wire.
I should put in a plug here for my dislike of the AL East and my hope that all of its teams fall off the face of the earth. Well, Toronto can stick around because I’d hate to disparage our Canadian friends. And I’d like to catch a game at Camden this season so I guess the O’s are safe, too. However, the Rays, Red Stockings and Evil Empire can all just disappear and the world would be a better place. This is a division so narcissistic that a news frenzy has emerged from the hawk attack on Alexa Rodriguez at Fenway this past week. Really? The enmity between these two teams is so great that even the animal kingdom has picked sides? Perhaps this also explains why a ray attacked and killed Steve Irwin last year. It was just pissed because it thought he was a Yankees fan. Seriously, y’all need to get over yourselves. Real baseball happens in the fly-over states and that’s where my attention will be all season long. When I’m not out saving the world, of course.