With summer temperatures slowly creeping up on us, the potential for flop-sweat induced wedgies at the ballpark is on the rise, making an afternoon or midmorning rain shower a pleasant respite for anyone wanting to spend some serious time unstuck at the game. Though it is not widely known, making it rain isn’t quite as difficult as one might think. Here are three simple methods:
1. Be Different
As my doleful and oft unctuous colleague, Mr. Krause, taught us, sometimes, making it rain is just a matter of doing the opposite of what’s expected of you.
2. Be Ignorant
This is an easy method for rain-making, especially for those US Americans who reside in the realm of absurdity. I recall Focus on the Family asking their invisible friend to make it rain in Denver, to drown out the “changes” being outlined by Obama at the 2008 DNC.
3. Be Livan Hernandez
This is the easiest, most economical way to make it rain. In fact, I’m doing it right now… to the guy in the cubicle next to me.
Hate me ‘cuz I makes it rain, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
I think I’ve been going about this all wrong. Perhaps experience really isn’t all that important. Look at the Rays, for instance. They go 0-7 at Fenway for the first part of the season and then pull out two impressive wins on the road against the Red Sox when it means the most. It’s like the ’06 Tigers against the Yankees. Or the ’07 Rockies against the entire National League.
However, that brings us to the real issue. Although the Rockies and Tigers put together great seasons and impressive runs, they both failed when it really mattered. And if there is a god, perhaps she’ll look down and have pity on us Americans. Maybe she’ll decide this is the year where experience no longer counts and the Rays will thunder through the playoffs but then spurn the misguided prayers of the GOP faithful.
The American public has already decided that experience doesn’t matter with their full fledged embrace of Sarah Palin. Yes, I know she was a mayor. And I know she is governor. But that kind of experience is akin to me saying that I can run Amnesty International because I once headed up a small nonprofit organization. Sorry folks. I’m not qualified and neither is she.
But if the Rays can do it, maybe she can, too. In fact, there’s already a precedent since the Republican Party seem to be borrowing tactics from MLB. Baseball has decided to focus on personalities, as my friend, Mr. Lung, so eloquently pointed out a few weeks ago. And the Republicans have also decided to avoid talking about the real story and try to make this election a popularity contest.
“Look everyone! She’s a pretty girl! And everyone votes for the homecoming queen, right?”
So, maybe I’m still a little bitter about that 2006 World Series. And maybe I’d prefer a VP who understands that just believing something doesn’t necessarily make it true. What can I say? I’m tough to please and I make no apologies for that.
Oh man. One of my favorite topics. Focus on the Family, James Dobson and the complete absence of logic and reason. This is the man who accepts the biblical book of Leviticus’ definition of homosexuality as an abomination but ridicules Sen. Obama’s “fruitcake interpretation” of the Bible when Obama mentioned some obviously outdated passages from the same book. For Mr. Dobson, the only rules in the Bible that apply are those that help him retain his perch as the Right’s watchdog of doctrine.
In some ways, “purist” baseball fans and Mr. Dobson have a lot in common. They both like to talk about the good ol’ days, when things were pure and simple but also manage to ignore the irony when they take advantage of how much better things have gotten since those days. By the same token, they like to pick and choose which parts of the ancien regime they like and which are just anachronisms.
Sorry guys, you don’t get it both ways. If Leviticus convinces you that homosexuality is an abomination and we have to live with that as the rule, we also need to accept that slavery is all right because Leviticus says that, too. And if the DH destroys the purity of baseball, then so does the fact that players have to remove their gloves and equipment from the field while batting. Times change and ideas and games must evolve if they want to stay relevant.
For instance, the idea of faith used to be commonly accepted, everything happens for a reason and sometimes you just have to accept that because you can’t understand it. Nope. Sorry. That’s not always true. Katrina destroyed New Orleans because the levees were not up to par, not because god was mad at America. And the Cardinals didn’t make any moves at the deadline because they have crappy management, not because the management knows something we don’t. In fact, to be fair, you can say the same thing about the Tigers’ trade for Kyle Farnsworth.
So, where does this all leave us at the end of the day? Simple. Baseball is a game that has evolved and because of that, it grows more popular every year. And James Dobson is a fossilized relic of another time and like all fossils we should look at him and take the story of his demise as a warning for ourselves.
Ever wonder how everyone on the planet — except the umpire — managed to see that Matt Holliday totally missed the plate on that thrilling tie-breaking play at home against the Padres?
Ever wonder how they went on to sweep the Phillies and the Diamondbacks in the NLDS and NLCS respectively?
Well, now we know. We all know. The secret is out. His name is Jesus and he will now take your prayers.
Because if Focus On the Family Digital Media Director Stuart Shepard had it his way, the entire Democratic Convention would be under a sea of god-like proportions. For those of you non-Christians out there, that’s fancy talk for a whole lot of friggin’ water.
Luckily, someone over there realized that asking its followers to pray in unison for an awful thing to happen to the opposition may not be the best way to go about it — perhaps because it goes against the very fundamentals they are supposed to be preaching. I don’t know. I’m certainly no expert.
But I know that though the conspiracy prayer in Denver may have worked against the Padres, Phillies and Diamondbacks, there may still be a logical reason for it: God was desperate for some playoff excitement. And He needed to erase the psychological damage those awful MLB Dane Cook television spots that were thrown in our faces ad nausem did.
I’m pretty sure He hates me too, but not because I’m right… even He knows better than that.