Baseball, for the most part, takes place in the well-trodden hinterlands of the United States. Sure, much of the talent may come from various islands off the coast of Florida but ultimately they make their way through towns like Lansing, Peoria and Lehigh in hopes of being called up to Cincinnati, Kansas City or Pittsburgh. Being a baseball player often means getting an up close and personal lesson on US geography.
At the same time, many of these same fans who cheer for the Venezuelan or Dominican shortstop coming up with the team through the minors fail to see the irony in their universal distaste for immigrants and immigration. How do you think your Mexican pitching ace got here in the first place, shitforbrains? Sometimes it’s not so surprising when you consider the fanbase:
While these baseball migrants experience US geography firsthand and slowly learn more about their adopted country, many Americans willingly refuse to learn anything about the world around them. This is never more apparent than during the Olympic games.
The opening ceremony is a case in point with people scrambling for their atlases as soon as Albania and Algeria march in. It’s a little more disconcerting when even major US news sources can’t figure out the differences between the countries.
Luckily, though, the swimming, gymnastics and running are almost complete so there’s only one more week until we can go back to ignoring the world. Even more importantly, we can get back to fighting the menace of immigration. Well, unless it means picking up your new Japanese pitcher. Seriously, Texas, how do you think Yu Darvish got there?
The Drah-mah in Bahhhh-ston
Leave it to the Red Sox to be all dramatified in the offseason. As if their 2010 free agent signing flop and subsequent September fail-to-the-finish that included video games, fried chicken and an “Adios, Tito!” (let’s leave the beer out of this, shall we?) wasn’t enough drama for one year, they had to go and add to the pile by involving Bobby Valentine in their managerial search. Don’t get me wrong. I love Bobby V and I really hope he gets the job ‘cuz he’s a bad@ss whose mere presence makes the league better (and more entertaining); but he also comes packin’ drama. And the fact that the owners interviewed him before allowing new GM Ben Cherington to have his say suggests that the drama between ownership and the front office will continue to rival that of its on-the-field representation.
Pepper Spray: “It’s a Food Product, Essentially”
Fox News host Megyn Kelly should consider a move to the Food Network. I think spraying Emeril Lagasse with a jumbo-sized canister of pepper spray would add some much needed tension to their programming. And besides, pepper spray is “a food product, essentially”.
At a time when a Lil Wayne-impersonating white dude from Pittsburgh is tops on the music charts — in effect CRUSHING my hope for a revival of real, genuine rap music — I would like to personally thank the Toronto Blue Jays for coming back to earth, for finally being real. When you have a classic look, there’s never a reason to change it. The Yankees have managed this. So have the Cardinals. Sure they update to keep up with trends, but the core design never changes. The Blue Jays had one of the classiest, cleanest, most memorable unis in all of baseball.
And then they changed it all for… black and gray?
It’s good to see them making good decisions again.
Although Sunday afternoon may be the domain of sports fanatics, Sunday morning holds the same mystique for fans of the political arena. The one true king, Tim Russert, is no longer with us, but his spirit lives on in the princelings that sprung up around him. However, just like fierce competition brings out the best in two opposing teams, the Sunday morning news shows are only as good as the discussion between the host and his guest.
In that respect, this past weekend brought us an epic showdown in the Sunday morning news show realm.
The piece is long. It’s 24 minutes long, in fact, but it’s worth watching every moment. Here’s a small taste:
Sure, there are no big plays, no cheerleaders but there are moments in the interview that are the intellectual equivalent of a bone-jarring tackle or tape-measure home run. It’s why I look forward to Sundays.
My heart is filled with sorrow knowing that Glenn Beck, the insane political entertainment leech that he is, will no longer be employed by the fear-mongering moguls at Fox News. That’s right, dear readers. I, and a collective US America, am in mourning. Please, let us grieve.
Unfortunately, this mutual divorce means no more frog murdering on live television. It means no more psychotic temper tantrums directed towards reason. And yes, sadly, my friends, It means no more *oligarhy*.
But never fear! Glenn Beck is the Washington Nationals of politics! He may be an embarrassment to the establishment, but damn does he make things interesting every once in a while!
In fact, rumor has it, he might even start his own television network!
And just in case he might need some help, the RSBS interns and I got right to work on finding the most appropriate network name. Here’s a short list of what we came up with:
FoSN – The Full of S*** Network
NOGWN – The No One’s Gonna Watch Network
FBC – The Fail Broadcasting Corporation
Can’t wait to see what Mr. Beck finds the most appropriate… though early signs point to NOGWN, mostly ‘cuz I like how it sounds when you try to say it: “Nahg-wahn”.
Hate me. I don’t care. Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Sometimes the world turns inside out. Normally, we expect our sports stars to hit the strip clubs and get rowdy while our politicos throw good money after bad. If you’ve been paying attention the last month or so, though, you saw that all go upside down.
On the one side we have a bunch of schmoes taking financial advice from a guy like Lenny Dykstra and we know how that turned out. Meanwhile, the Republican National Committee apparently paid for some of its operators to hit a club in LA called, I sh!t you not, Voyeur West Hollywood.
Come on guys! How are we supposed to keep this straight? Democrats do stuff like this because they’re the party of Kennedy and Hart. But, with the exception of our dearly departed Charlie Wilson, the GOP staked its reputation as the party of “family values.” How can we make informed decisions if we can’t rely on stereotypes and generalities?
Now maybe these stories are just outliers and the exception that proves the rule. But in a week that ends with the Nationals playing .500 ball, you can understand my consternation. Where’s Eliot Spitzer when you really need him?
Thank you CNN! After writing you off based on Wolf Blitzer’s pathetic yet oddly narcissistic pandering, Larry King’s flatulent foibles and a sense that your best days ended right around the same time as the first Gulf War, you finally managed to pull out some reporting that appeals to me.
Now, perhaps I’m just as guilty as Mr. Blitzer in that this article panders to the narcissistic aspects of my nature. But I’d still like to believe that it’s true. Despite committing a basic logical fallacy by implying a reverse correlation which may not actually exist, I still think it stands to reason that if higher IQ leads to liberalism and atheism, the fact that I am liberal and atheist means that my IQ is above normal.
Unfortunately, this correlation would have to work in another way as well. For instance, as we have seen many times in these pages, I am a baseball liberal while Jeff is an uber-conservative. If it were up to him, baseball players would still wear wool uniforms and use the outfield between innings as prime grazing land for their prize herds of goats. Although quaint and charming, these ideas also lead us to assume that perhaps Jeff was hit in the head with a baseball one too many times as a child.
One final point. The article mentions sexual exclusivity as being another trait common to men with higher IQs. And while no one would ever claim that Jeff had feelings for another NL team, he is a self-professed White Sox dilettante making him a bigamist at best. Me, I bleed Tiger blue and often experience stigmata in the shape of an old English “D.” I am faithful to the Tigers to the point of willful ignorance concerning the other 31 or however many teams there are in Major League Baseball. Maybe you’re not impressed but that’s a level even a Fox News anchor would struggle to achieve.
I think so.
In just the last few days we have learned things — almost instantly — that used to take weeks to find out about, back in the old days, when Kevin Costner was delivering the mail.
Thanks to the internets and interwebs, I knew exactly the moment Tony LaRussa and Dave Duncan added “man-child disciplinarian” to each of their respective job titles. Not long after, I also found out — immediately — that Rod Blagojevich still thinks he’s funny, that he views his federal scoff as but a minor annoyance, that his hair is cool.
And of course, without our trusty series of tubes cranking out raunchy photos and seedy voice mails, how else would we know that Tiger Woods enjoys having sex — LOTS OF SEX — with people who are not his wife?
This is the re-edumacation of US America, people!
Ya gotta be fast. Ya gotta be on point. Ya gotta reinvent math!
Or is it ‘strait’?
Yeah, it’s strait. See, I got this!
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
(Images & Fox News Story from BuzzFeed)
That’s right, dear readers. White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen is joining the Fox Baseball Pre & Post Game Shows as an insider analyst during the World Series.
I can’t see how this could possibly go wrong.
Unless, y’know, Ozzie tells Chris Rose that “Hees a garbage and hees children ees a garbage” or if he mentions to Mark Grace that “Hees a f^ggot” or reminds Eric Karros that “hees head ees as beeg as those peeg rats at Wreegley Feel.”
No matter how many times they have to hit the bleep button while Ozzie is on the air, I imagine his self-sacrificial lampooning for a Fox ratings spike will be less likely to fail as Glenn Beck would acting as a PETA spokesman:
Note to Mr. Beck: Don’t be killin’ no frogs on live television yo!
Hate me ‘cuz I transleeterate Ozzie’s lingo, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
***IMPORTANT PROGRAMING NOTE***
Suggested to us by the always hilarious Jonestein at BABL, Mr. Krause and I will be competing in a World Series Metaphor Competition — a Metaphor-Off… yeah, let’s call it that.
Why? ‘Cuz we can. And we will.
But we need your help! As you know, Al and I champion ourselves as masters of the meandering metaphor; and we need your suggestions. What do you want to see metaphorized? (Yes, that’s a word. I made it up.) It could be something as simple as an individual player, a team, a rule, a concept, whatever. We want your ideas. Email us at email@example.com, Twitter us at @RSBS or kindly comment on a post with your suggestion. After selecting a trio of your topics, Mr. Krause and I will then post our metaphors during the World Series and YOU the reader will vote for the winner in this best of three competition.
Don’t just sit there…. suggest, suggest, suggest!
It’s that time of year again. October, when football has started, hockey is probably being played somewhere in Canada and the WNBA season is over. Assuming there’s still a WNBA. Anyway, all that aside, October is also notable for being the only month when it is worth visiting the state of Michigan and for the glorious event known as the MLB playoffs. And in honor of those playoffs, even though I’m a day late, it’s time to dust off another time honored tradition and bring you my second annual Post-Partisan Playoff Preview: TV pundit edition.
After starting with the American League last year, I felt it only fair to begin with the National League this time around. That’s right, the National League, the right-leaning denizens of Major League baseball. Their’s is a more conservative style of play, well suited to the talking heads who avail themselves on Fox News at any and all hours of the day. Designated hitter? No, thank you. We like having an automatic out every 9 batters. Home runs? Nah, we prefer letting our guys linger on base. Government intervention? Only when it helps out our stock portfolios.
And in this fray, we begin with the defending champion Philadelphia Phillies, our Rush Limbaugh. Still the undisputed champion, just like Rush, the Phillies have been showing the cracks that come with age and being at the top for so long. The Oxycontin that is Brad Lidge could spell the end for the Phils when it comes to close games but there’s no doubt that they’ll move on from the first round.
And the main reason they’ll move on is because they’re face to face with the Glenn Beck of the NL playoffs, the Colorado Rockies. No one is denying that they’ve got star quality but both Glenn and the Rockies are missing something. For Glenn, maybe it’s those tears or the fact that he can’t spell. For the Rockies, maybe it’s that they never seem to be able to play well until it’s almost too late. But either way, they’ll both continue playing second fiddle to the guys above them.
Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Dodgers are almost as slick as their preview stand-in, Bill O’Reilly. Show him the facts and he’ll show you something completely unrelated. Everything is tangential in “The No-Spin Zone” and tangential is a great way to describe how the Dodgers play. 15 game lead? Hm, maybe we can get one of our guys suspended for 50 games and play like we’re all on Ambien to tighten this thing up. But at the end of the day, they get the job done. And whether you like it or not, there’s too much talent there to be ignored.
And that’s why we bid adieu in the first round to our Sean Hannity, the St. Louis Cardinals. Things are pretty easy when you’re beating up on a guy like Alan Colmes, you know, kind of like playing in the NL Central this year. But when the chips are down, good luck against real competition.
On the other side, the American League, things sort out a little bit more easily. There are those who belong and those who just make you sit up and go “hm?” The National League has definitely been ascendant the last few years, winning 2 out of the last 3 World Series but the American League has a stranglehold on the All-Star Game. Whatever that’s worth.
On this side, we start at the bottom, with the Alan Colmes of the the American League, the AL Central champion Minnesota Twins! Really, you’re not excited either? Yeah, it’s pretty hard to get excited about someone who snivels in the corner while getting the snot beat out of them. No one likes a bully but no one really likes the guy who’s bleeding all over after getting beat up by the bully either. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 Minnesota Twins!
Out west we check in with the Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim) as they do their best Rachel Maddow impression. It’s not that anyone dislikes the Angels (or Maddow) or that they wish them ill. It’s just more that they don’t matter. Kind of like the AL West and MSNBC.
And the reason they don’t matter is because they’re going to get beat by our Wolf Blitzer, the Boston Red Sox (of Boston). Although maybe not a pundit in the traditional sense, Wolf does manage to insert his personal views into the conversation. And he sure does espouse a righteous anger when explaining how CNN is the only network you can trust. But it’s just a lot of noise from someone who used to matter and really doesn’t so much anymore. Yep, kind of like the Boston Red Sox.
Which only leaves us with the flatulent faded glory of our Larry King doppleganger, the New York Yankees. You know what, we’ve won 26 championships so what do you know? Hey, I’ve been on TV since it was invented so what do you know? They both have an excuse but something smells a little funky. Which isn’t to say that they can’t get nasty from time to time. Best to give them a wide berth.
And this brings us to the answers you have all been seeking. I’d love to see Hannity and Colmes reunited in the World Series but since they both go down in the first round, that’s going to be kind of hard. Instead, Bill O’Reilly finally claims the coveted conservative mantle from Rush as the Dodgers avenge last year’s loss and knock off the Phillies in the League Championship Series. Meanwhile, Wolf and Larry make it an all CNN final in the American League as the Yankees square off against the Red Sox. And, true to form, the Yankees
win the pennant.
But, the way things stand in the world today, even with a Democrat in the White House and a Democratic majority in both houses of Congress, the left leaning punditocracy just can’t hang in there against the overpowering noise of the right wingers. And as left coast meets right in a broadcast and advertising orgasm, the old Yankee manager knocks off the new one. Just make sure you don’t miss the inevitable sucker punch because when the pundit-o-sphere is involved, you can be sure it’s coming.