Tagged: Fox News

The Irony of Immigrants

Baseball, for the most part, takes place in the well-trodden hinterlands of the United States.  Sure, much of the talent may come from various islands off the coast of Florida but ultimately they make their way through towns like Lansing, Peoria and Lehigh in hopes of being called up to Cincinnati, Kansas City or Pittsburgh.  Being a baseball player often means getting an up close and personal lesson on US geography.

At the same time, many of these same fans who cheer for the Venezuelan or Dominican shortstop coming up with the team through the minors fail to see the irony in their universal distaste for immigrants and immigration.  How do you think your Mexican pitching ace got here in the first place, shitforbrains?  Sometimes it’s not so surprising when you consider the fanbase:

While these baseball migrants experience US geography firsthand and slowly learn more about their adopted country, many Americans willingly refuse to learn anything about the world around them.  This is never more apparent than during the Olympic games.

The opening ceremony is a case in point with people scrambling for their atlases as soon as Albania and Algeria march in.  It’s a little more disconcerting when even major US news sources can’t figure out the differences between the countries.

Luckily, though, the swimming, gymnastics and running are almost complete so there’s only one more week until we can go back to ignoring the world.  Even more importantly, we can get back to fighting the menace of immigration.  Well, unless it means picking up your new Japanese pitcher.  Seriously, Texas, how do you think Yu Darvish got there?

-A

Three Up, Three Down

Just like a Justin Verlander fastball, this is going to be quick, hard to see and will probably guilt you into crowning me with the MVP award:

The Drah-mah in Bahhhh-ston

Leave it to the Red Sox to be all dramatified in the offseason.  As if their 2010 free agent signing flop and subsequent September fail-to-the-finish that included video games, fried chicken and an “Adios, Tito!” (let’s leave the beer out of this, shall we?) wasn’t enough drama for one year, they had to go and add to the pile by involving Bobby Valentine in their managerial search.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Bobby V and I really hope he gets the job ‘cuz he’s a bad@ss whose mere presence makes the league better (and more entertaining); but he also comes packin’ drama.  And the fact that the owners interviewed him before allowing new GM Ben Cherington to have his say suggests that the drama between ownership and the front office will continue to rival that of its on-the-field representation.

Pepper Spray: “It’s a Food Product, Essentially”

Fox News host Megyn Kelly should consider a move to the Food Network.  I think spraying Emeril Lagasse with a jumbo-sized canister of pepper spray would add some much needed tension to their programming.  And besides, pepper spray is “a food product, essentially”.

Bringing Back the Blue Jays

At a time when a Lil Wayne-impersonating white dude from Pittsburgh is tops on the music charts — in effect CRUSHING my hope for a revival of real, genuine rap music — I would like to personally thank the Toronto Blue Jays for coming back to earth, for finally being real.  When you have a classic look, there’s never a reason to change it.  The Yankees have managed this.  So have the Cardinals.  Sure they update to keep up with trends, but the core design never changes.  The Blue Jays had one of the classiest, cleanest, most memorable unis in all of baseball.

And then they changed it all for… black and gray?

It’s good to see them making good decisions again.

Happy Friday!

Jeff

Any Given Sunday

Although Sunday afternoon may be the domain of sports fanatics, Sunday morning holds the same mystique for fans of the political arena.  The one true king, Tim Russert, is no longer with us, but his spirit lives on in the princelings that sprung up around him.  However, just like fierce competition brings out the best in two opposing teams, the Sunday morning news shows are only as good as the discussion between the host and his guest.

In that respect, this past weekend brought us an epic showdown in the Sunday morning news show realm.

The piece is long.  It’s 24 minutes long, in fact, but it’s worth watching every moment.  Here’s a small taste:

Sure, there are no big plays, no cheerleaders but there are moments in the interview that are the intellectual equivalent of a bone-jarring tackle or tape-measure home run.  It’s why I look forward to Sundays.

-A

Giving Glenn a Hand

Glenn Beck crying.jpgMy heart is filled with sorrow knowing that Glenn Beck, the insane political entertainment leech that he is, will no longer be employed by the fear-mongering moguls at Fox News.  That’s right, dear readers.  I, and a collective US America, am in mourning.  Please, let us grieve.

Unfortunately, this mutual divorce means no more frog murdering on live television.  It means no more psychotic temper tantrums directed towards reason.  And yes, sadly, my friends, It means no more *oligarhy*.

But never fear!  Glenn Beck is the Washington Nationals of politics!  He may be an embarrassment to the establishment, but damn does he make things interesting every once in a while!

In fact, rumor has it, he might even start his own television network

And just in case he might need some help, the RSBS interns and I got right to work on finding the most appropriate network name.  Here’s a short list of what we came up with:

FoSN – The Full of S*** Network

NOGWN – The No One’s Gonna Watch Network

FBC – The Fail Broadcasting Corporation


Can’t wait to see what Mr. Beck finds the most appropriate… though early signs point to NOGWN, mostly ‘cuz I like how it sounds when you try to say it: “Nahg-wahn”.

Hate me.  I don’t care.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

FOX Asks the Question, Republicans Respond

fox_privates.jpgSometimes the world turns inside out.  Normally, we expect our sports stars to hit the strip clubs and get rowdy while our politicos throw good money after bad. If you’ve been paying attention the last month or so, though, you saw that all go upside down.

On the one side we have a bunch of schmoes taking financial advice from a guy like Lenny Dykstra and we know how that turned out.  Meanwhile, the Republican National Committee apparently paid for some of its operators to hit a club in LA called, I sh!t you not, Voyeur West Hollywood.

Come on guys!  How are we supposed to keep this straight?  Democrats do stuff like this because they’re the party of Kennedy and Hart.  But, with the exception of our dearly departed Charlie Wilson, the GOP staked its reputation as the party of “family values.”  How can we make informed decisions if we can’t rely on stereotypes and generalities?

Now maybe these stories are just outliers and the exception that proves the rule.  But in a week that ends with the Nationals playing .500 ball, you can understand my consternation.  Where’s Eliot Spitzer when you really need him?

-A

CNN’s Attempt at Pertinence

cnn.jpgThank you CNN!  After writing you off based on Wolf Blitzer’s pathetic yet oddly narcissistic pandering, Larry King’s flatulent foibles and a sense that your best days ended right around the same time as the first Gulf War, you finally managed to pull out some reporting that appeals to me.

Now, perhaps I’m just as guilty as Mr. Blitzer in that this article panders to the narcissistic aspects of my nature.  But I’d still like to believe that it’s true.  Despite committing a basic logical fallacy by implying a reverse correlation which may not actually exist, I still think it stands to reason that if higher IQ leads to liberalism and atheism, the fact that I am liberal and atheist means that my IQ is above normal.

Unfortunately, this correlation would have to work in another way as well.  For instance, as we have seen many times in these pages, I am a baseball liberal while Jeff is an uber-conservative.  If it were up to him, baseball players would still wear wool uniforms and use the outfield between innings as prime grazing land for their prize herds of goats.  Although quaint and charming, these ideas also lead us to assume that perhaps Jeff was hit in the head with a baseball one too many times as a child.

One final point.  The article mentions sexual exclusivity as being another trait common to men with higher IQs.  And while no one would ever claim that Jeff had feelings for another NL team, he is a self-professed White Sox dilettante making him a bigamist at best.  Me, I bleed Tiger blue and often experience stigmata in the shape of an old English “D.”  I am faithful to the Tigers to the point of willful ignorance concerning the other 31 or however many teams there are in Major League Baseball.  Maybe you’re not impressed but that’s a level even a Fox News anchor would struggle to achieve.

-A

The Re-Edumacation of US America!

united_we_win.jpgTechnocracy is AWEsome. 

Isn’t it?

I think so.

In just the last few days we have learned things — almost instantly — that used to take weeks to find out about, back in the old days, when Kevin Costner was delivering the mail.

Thanks to the internets and interwebs, I knew exactly the moment Tony LaRussa and Dave Duncan added “man-child disciplinarian” to each of their respective job titles.  Not long after, I also found out — immediately — that Rod Blagojevich still thinks he’s funny, that he views his federal scoff as but a minor annoyance, that his hair is cool.

It ain’t.

And of course, without our trusty series of tubes cranking out raunchy photos and seedy voice mails, how else would we know that Tiger Woods enjoys having sex — LOTS OF SEX — with people who are not his wife?

This is the re-edumacation of US America, people!

Ya gotta be fast.  Ya gotta be on point.  Ya gotta reinvent math!

fox news piechart 1.jpg
fox news piechart 2.jpgThank you, Fox News, for taking the proper initiative, for getting it right, for setting the proverbial politico pundit record straight.

Or is it ‘strait’?

Yeah, it’s strait.  See, I got this!

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(Images & Fox News Story from BuzzFeed)