Tagged: Free Agents

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Semi-Closeted Tony Plush Lover, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

“Blind faith is the crutch of fools.”

We may not be in the Prince/Pujols derby, but it’s fine. It’s fine.

My water just broke. Theo is here. I’m feeling woozy.

I’ve been harvesting my organs to get the perfect GM. I’ve been licking my cat’s fanny to find the best. I’ve been on a Rambo-style manhunt to make sure the Cubs can be good for an extended amount of time.

I’VE EVEN TRIED HUMAN MEAT!!! (That part is almost true.)

Theo is the smartest thing that has ever happened to the Cubs.

At the press conference yesterday, he said “I promised I wouldn’t bring up the Red Sox,” but it’s ok, Theo. You said the right things at the right moments. You talked about “being on base and defense.” CRAZY! I am over the moon, trying to slow my roll, but you, Theo, are everything I’ve ever wanted: smart, savvy and new!

In my lifetime, being awful has been the Cub paradigm. Things have to change now. We might need a Castro coach to show him… defense. The way Wrigley plays may require some of Theo’s number crunching. But we have more hope now than we’ve had the last 15 years combined. (See Baker, Piniella, et al)

But best of all, as I write this, Theo Epstein is hatching a plan to dismantle every last bit of crap left in the C’s organization.

I’m in. I’m all in. AND… his sister, Anya, wrote for Homicide: Life on the Streets!! My favorite show of ever!!!

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 13: Nolan Ryan’s Taintedness… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 3.jpg

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast…

Jeff and Johanna welcome a very special guest, Second City funny man Mark “Pie” Piebenga, to the Logan Square Studio for an RSBS Podcast pow-wow of epic proportions (we would like to thank Miller Lite for making it, as the kids say, ‘epic’)!  From Jim Joyce’s ‘stache to Nolan Ryan’s pomposity to Nyjer Morgan’s right hook to Bobby Scales’… existence?… all the gloves come off as the fellas look back at the 2010 season and gear up for the winter with plenty of chuckles and plenty of beer.  All to make you laughy laugh!

Holla!

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For more on Mark’s work on RSBSNinemen’s Morris series, check out this story then click on the Ninemen’s Morris tag at the bottom for more early 20th century hilarity!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack.  Keith is involved in some impressive projects himself.  Check out his work at  Undercard Films.  Seriously.  You should do it.  If you don’t, you might find out about his MMA skills first hand.  Holla!!!

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Recorded Wednesday, November 10, 2010

 

Rick Ankiel: This Man Cannot Be Serious

rick ankiel royals.jpgIf I were stranded on a remote island ten years ago and I just now got back to see Rick Ankiel is playing center field for the Kansas City Royals, I would be thoroughly confused.  We all know what a tremendous story Rick Ankiel’s career has been up to this point.  So let me be clear: as a Cardinals fan, I fully support Ricky and thank him for all he did in a Cards uniform.  I wish him the best of luck.

Yet I cannot help but believe all those concussions did a smidgen more than some serious damage to his psyche.

In his welcoming press conference with the Royals last week, Ankiel mentioned that part of why he wanted to come to Kansas City was because he ‘liked the direction’ the team was going.

That’s horse$hit.

And we all know it.

The truth is: Rick Ankiel is happy to be with the Royals because he has a job now when it looked like he might not.  I can’t blame the guy.  I would do the exact same thing… which may or may not include my liking ‘the direction’ of the team.

Because, let’s face it: this team ain’t goin’ anywhere. 

Again.

Scott Podsednik.  Jason Kendall.  Billy Butler.  Kyle Farnsworth. 

These names do not a champion make.

I think the best summary of the Kansas Royals’ direction, under the keen eye of GM Dayton Moore, is represented by a technical glitch which provided wonderment during the press conference.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Kansas City Royals: Team of Infinite Regress:

kansas city royals infinite regress.JPGHate me ‘cuz I hurt feelings, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

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Tune in Monday and Tuesday of this week. Ninemen’s Morris is baaaaaaaaaaaaack…

Tricks vs. Illusions

gob_magic.gifDo you hear that scratching? No, it’s not the mice building a warm nest under your floor. It’s not the dog trying to get rid of those annoying fleas. It’s not even your roommate doing only god knows what while watching the NFL playoffs.

That scratching sound is various agents and GM’s tearing apart and reassembling contracts in order to steal your favorite players away and make that new jersey you bought last season immediately irrelevant.

However, I hope that you won’t think ill of these players and curse them for being the wh0res that they are. Remember, like our friend GOB (pronounced Jobe) Bluth told us, they’re really just illusions. Even if they really do seem like tricks.

-A

Credit:
-Photo via Skull Swap

Albert Ain’t YOUR Girlfriend

albert-pujols-5.jpgEnough babble from the crazy train that is the interwebbed rumor mill, dear readers!

Stop.  Breathe.  Focus. 

Now, let’s look at this Matt Holliday signing for what it actually is: John Mozeliak & Co. finally growing a pair and making the St. Louis Cardinals perennial contenders for years to come.

And if you think they made this offer to Holliday without considering the task of signing Albert Pujols after 2011, then you need to be committed… or move to Wrigleyville.

Either way, Holliday is a Cardinal.  And Pujols is a Cardinal.

So no more talk about a potential move by one of the big money teams to snatch up Albert and take him away from us in his upcoming free agency.  It ain’t gonna happen.  He ain’t nobody’s girlfriend but ours.

And I mean “girlfriend” with the utmost respect.

‘Cuz sometimes really bad things happen to girlfriends:

star wars gone wrong.jpg
Don’t hate me.  ‘Cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(Image courtesy of Skull Swap)

Matt Holliday, Meet Ma$e

mase harlem world.jpgA long time ago, in a popped culture far, far away (let’s call it the late ’90s), there was a “talented” young fella by the name of Ma$e tearing up the hip-hop scene with sub-par sleight of hand wit and a mouthful of mushy homonyms.

You may remember him (probably not) for bringing us this gem:

Broken glass everywhere
if it ain’t about the money, Puff, I just don’t care
I’m that Goodfella fly guy, sometimes wiseguys

Spend time in H-A-W-A-I-I

(Mase can you please stop smoking lah lah?)

Puff why try? I’m a thug, I’ma die high

I be out in Jersey, puffin Hershey

Brothers ain’t worthy to rock my derby

Though I’m never drugged, I’m the venom in the club

And now he’s just venom in our memory banks.  But why?  Let’s take a look:

Ma$e’s main talent was convincing people that he had talent.  I believed it.  Sean Combs believed it.  The general public believed it.  In fact, there was a time when you couldn’t go anywhere without hearing a Ma$e tune.  Had he the vision to keep that reality in perspective, to join powers with the then still venerable Puff Daddy, we might be talking about Ma$e as a musical superpower right now!

But we’re not.

Because Ma$e went to Ma$e’s head and at his highest of high points, Ma$e left the one label that could make him an internationally hyped megastar.  No one would take him on.  He floundered.  Then he disappeared all together.  He decided to do something different…

…by becoming a preacher?

Yep.  At least, that’s the story we got.

A few years (and lots of bounced checks) later, Ma$e came crying back to the rap game… hands open, knees scarred, willing to accept any deal he could get… anything… he was signed by SRC Records.

But the problem with SRC Records was this: they couldn’t release his music because Ma$e was still contractually obligated to — yep, you guessed it — Sean “Puff Daddy/P-Diddy” Combs.

The moral of the story? 

Ma$e is an idiot.

Matt Holliday, you’re not far behind. 

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

**UPDATE**

Since writing this, Matt Holliday has agreed to a 7 year deal with
the Cardinals for $120 million. That’s mo’ money, mo’ problems… but
probably worth it. Good for you, Matt!

Holidays, Hollidays and Halladays

Matt holliday cardinals Here is an actual excerpt from an email I sent a business associate today at work:

Dear (So and So Business Associate),

I hope this finds you well rested after the long Thanksgiving holliday.  Your question really needs little thought to answer, for the best single volume on Chinese symbolism is most definitely Hidden Meanings

Did you catch that?

No, not my inane nice guy approach (which I admit, reeks of staleness).  I mean did you catch my spelling error?

Holiday.  Not holliday.  Silly Jeff.

If this can happen to me, it can happen to you.  Dear readers, if you allow your baseball nerdiness to infect your everyday life then please at least take the extra careful step of proofreading your work-related correspondences. 
Roy halladay
And that goes for everything work related.  The baseball gods blessed me with a 24/7 baseball persona, but they weren’t careful enough to provide me with a reality censor.  Some things slip by and the result can be as catastrophic as postseason errors by the Tigers pitching staff (eat it, Mr. Krause; it’s never going to go away).

Other mistakes I’ve made at work include but are not limited to the following:

  • Screaming out Holy F***! when DeWayne Wise made “The Catch”
  • Telling the mailman he reminded me of a young, early 60s era Dal Maxvill to which he replied: “That’s the coffee with the Columbian guy on the front, right?” Wrong.
  • Asking a client to hold (while I sat in an online queue to score Cards/Cubs tickets)
  • Turning red in the face while explaining to a colleague that a batter cannot advance to first base on a dropped third strike if there’s a guy on first! Jesus Christ I know what I’m f****** talkin’ about here, man!

The above are all avoidable, but when we find ourselves in the trenches of the holiday season and the two most sought free agents are named Holliday and Halladay, someone is bound to find himself in a world of blunder.

And that’s what we want to help you avoid.

So, y’know, don’t mess up.  Like I did.

Go ahead, hate me ‘cuz I fell victim to the occasional spelling error, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

*PS. Drop by A Bite Off the Big Apple and say “Hi” to Jess; his currently featured NY Note was sent in by a witty, strapping, genius of a baseball fan.