And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles…
Jeff and Johanna (well, mostly Johanna) push the boundaries of political correctness, in that, well, they don’t see any boundaries. At all. Hot dog! They also get into pretty much anything and everything, including but not limited to Miggy Cabrera’s drinky-time, Albert Pujols’ year long stranglehold on Cardinals fans, a beyond the grave interview with Ron Santo and much, much more… all to make you have happy ending!
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*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Keith does it all, yo! If you haven’t already, please check out Keith’s crew and subsequent podcast at Undercard Films. They’ll make you laugh. They’ll make you cry. They’ll make your face hurt! In a good way!
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Recorded Saturday, February 19, 2011
For instance, take Elizabeth Edwards. There’s no denying that her battle against breast cancer was an inspiration. That it finally took her life after seemingly being fought into remission made the story tragic. Add in the way she was treated by her husband and the tragedy takes on entirely new proportions.
In contrast, if you read the stories associated with John Edwards’ two presidential campaigns, Mrs. Edwards doesn’t come out looking so nice. By all accounts she was a fire-breathing bag of hate and pity the fool who looked at her the wrong way or decided to disagree with her. Although this wasn’t the public face she chose to show, it became the new paradigm following the publication of these stories.
I guess that in my analysis, I’d call Mrs. Edwards the Gary Sheffield of politics. There’s no denying that she added something special to the team. She was pitch perfect under the lights and seemed to be nothing but an asset. But off the field, when no one was around except for the team, the issues came out and affected those around her. Yeah, sounds a lot like Sheff to me.
Like Sheff, she wound up facing a fair amount of controversy and having her tactics and decisions called into question. The difference is that Sheffield still has a chance to redefine his paradigm. Hopefully for him, he won’t have to wait for a tragic death to re-contextualize his life.
Gary Sheffield: The Original Milton Bradley
Before there was Milton, there was Gary. Yes folks, Gary was whining and crying and kicking the dirt and picking fights and pissing off fans and management and teammates and saying stupid things long before Bradley. And now, as if shown up by woe-is-me Milton, Gary has announced he’d like to come back and play in 2010. So even if Milton is teamless next year, we can still count on Sheff to aggravate the baseball cosmos… if any team is willing to take him that is.
Besides using it to piss off professional baseball players, I have found Twitter to be an excellent tool for networking and socializing with like-minded baseball nerds. Of course, Allen and I get our fair share of spammer tweets, but I had never seen anything like this before:
“I LOVE GREEN APPLES!”
“I LOVE GREEN APPLES TOO!”
Of course, this is not a real person. It can’t be. Looking at her (his? Its?) page you’ll see it’s just a long string of random non sequiturs. But boy was I duped! Without a gibberish username, grainy profile pic and messages like “please visit my nude profile”, I guess I got *ahem* quick handed.
Where the Hell is Allen?
In case dear readers are wondering, my loquacious and oft incoherent colleague is still very much alive. He’ll be back. Soon. He’s sorta recovering at the moment. You see, he had an issue… an issue with his… esophagus. They even made a movie about it:
Itchy portrayed me with excellence I must say.
Hate me ‘cuz I’m cruel, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
RSBS works hard for you, dear readers. We toil. We sweat. We drink a lot of beer.
And last night was no different.
Utilizing my entire working catalogue of international sleuthery, I managed to catch up with Randy Johnson and Gary Sheffield for a fantastic photo opportunity prior to the start of the Mets/Giants game:
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Welcome to the club, Arlen!
Folks, this is a big deal.
a Cardinal fan rooting for the Cubs, a Red Sox fan pledging allegiance
to the Evil Empire, a Dodgers fan embracing Barry Bonds while chanting
As crazy and fantastical as those scenarios seem,
longtime Republican (albeit a moderate one as he opposed Clinton’s
impeachment and didn’t get along with Dubya so well) has done just that
by crossing back over the visible division line to find his rightful spot among US Americans who pine to progress, lean to logic, veer to victory.
No more filibustering power for the GOP?
You betchya! Guess from now on those smattering political diatribes of malcontent will be reserved for Fox News and the Vatican.
while this obvious jockeying crossover amuses me like Gary Sheffield’s
defensive capabilities, in all honesty, I hope it does not become a
trend. I mean, besides needing a multi-party system with checks and
balances, I am afraid that without Republicans, I would not have any
material to rouse fuming arguments on this site, family reunions or bathroom walls.
Let’s face it: we Cardinal fans could not survive without the
incessant, whiny yappings of hopeless Cub fans every year. As much as
we hate to admit it, ours is a symbiotic relationship built on mutual
antipathy, fundamental dislike and drunken slander — all for the love
of the game.
Dear readers, before making such a monumental switch, remember to chickity-check yo self before you wreck yo self ‘cuz wavering loyalties are, ultimately, bad for yo health.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
(Specter image courtesy of the US Government)
(Cardinals/Cubs image courtesy of Deadspin)
Ty Cobb could not play baseball today. Oh, maybe he had the skills and the guts to succeed but you wouldn’t find him in the majors. There’s one simple reason for this. Bigtime sports depend on marketing and it’s really hard to market a racist ^sshole. Just look at John Rocker. Say the wrong thing to the wrong person and soon enough you’re signing baseball cards at convention centers instead of trotting in from the bullpen.
Now, it hasn’t always been this way and the fact that a guy like Ty Cobb is in the Hall of Fame shows that sometimes those lesser angels of our nature don’t disqualify you from everything in life. But in the last few years, as baseball and other sports have become more dependent on the revenue generated by the family friendly aspects of the game, it has become rarer and rarer to see someone go off and really call it like they see it. That’s why I want to remind us all of some of the more glaring instances in a segment I like to call: Holy Sh!t! Did he really just say that?
I begin with my hometown Tigers and an homage to our recently departed designated hitter. Now, Sheff has been a fount of inspired insanity over the years and everyone knows about his comments regarding Latino players. He also famously said that Derek Jeter wasn’t “All the way black.” But the genius of Sheff can only truly be summed up in his response to a question about fathering two children before he was old enough to vote: “That was part of my plan. I didn’t want to be the typical athlete who’s single all his career.” Sheff shows that racism comes in a rainbow of colors.
Quite possibly the biggest homophobe and xenophobe to emerge from baseball since Ty Cobb, Rocker once remarked, “The biggest thing I don’t like about New York are the
foreigners … You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not
hear anybody speaking English.” Even his annual apologies provided nonstop fun. Only Rocker could manage to understate the severity of a situation by starting out “My comments concerning persons afflicted with AIDS as
well as various minority groups have left people wondering if I am a
racist.” However, he also manages to retain the power to confound his critics and proved it once again by taking up with the beautiful Alicia. You stay classy, John Rocker!
However, nothing quite tops this video of Norm Coleman hosting the Espy’s a decade ago. Do yourself a favor. Even if you can’t quite sit through the entire eight and a half minutes, fast forward to the 7:53 minute mark and prepare to be amazed by the absolute sadistic ruthlessness with which he builds up Charles Woodson and then cuts him off at the ankles. It ain’t pretty but it gets him a spot on RSBS:
He had long hair. He had no earthly possessions. He was nice to everyone. He was compassionate, well-spoken and he didn’t judge others based on their ideas or actions; he left that up to his daddy.
So after two thousand years I have to ask: where did all those ideals go?
Catholic church, I think it’s about time you get over yourself.
The Tigers’ home opener is on a Good Friday, during holy hours? This offends you, Catholics? Whaa whaa whaa! Cry me a river so I can walk on it and impress my friends with my mad Jesus skillz. What!?!
Your hardline is just as insane.
Take it easy on the Tigers, will ya, Catholics. They’re in terrible shape and the last thing they need right now is a religious scandal scarring their opening day attendance. Besides, have you taken a look at the empty industrial shell known as the city of Detroit? Do you think the city or the team actually cares about what offends you and what doesn’t? The Tigers organization (and I can’t believe I’m defending them here) is a business. Business. How many other businesses will close during your precious holy hours just because you think they should and you will be offended if they don’t? Will McDonald’s close its doors? How about the crack dealers? Will there be a moratorium on rock sales during the holy hours? Will you police that if they don’t? And what about Little Caesars? Do you think they’ll shut down shop during your holy hours? No, sir, not while there are $5 pizzas that taste like crap to sell in order to pay off Gary Sheffield’s walking papers to the tune of some 14 million bucks!
But the story doesn’t end there, does it? You’re always in a tiff about something. Whaa whaa whaa, we don’t want Barack Obama, the leader of the free world, to give a commencement day speech at Notre Dame because he supports stem cell research — an effort that only aims to help people, heal people, give people hope. You don’t want Obama on your campus because he promotes progressive thinking, the freedom to choose, the American dream… and I guess all those awful, terrible ideals just don’t have a place in the rigid backwardness of the Catholic church, do they?
No, not as long as your higher-ups continue to challenge the existence of the Holocaust; not as long as your bishops suggest more Catholics died during the Holocaust than did the Jews; not as long as your elders continue to diddle little boys and get away with it.
Ask yourselves this, Catholics: What would Jesus do?
I’m pretty sure Jesus would say: Play Ball!
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
God hates Detroit. As if there were any doubts about this fact after watching last year’s Detroit Lions, Michigan Wolverines and Detroit Tigers, all you have to do is check the Detroit skyline every October 30 or read the newspapers today. Yes, god hates Detroit but it appears there is a good reason. Detroit hates god right back
And now it also appears that god has decided to flex those omnipotent muscles a little more in smiting Detroit. In the past five days, not only did Dontrelle Willis and Joel Zumaya land on the injured reserve, Gary Sheffield is also looking for a new home. Granted, Sheff has often been a cancer in the clubhouse and both Willis and Zumaya had less than impressive stuff last season. But these are not the kinds of things that Detroit and the state of Michigan need right now
However, I have a couple solutions. Perhaps we just need to butter the big guy up a little. How about a little of this to help out:
Or maybe we just have to really hope that Nietzsche had it right. What I do know is that things can always be worse. At least I’m not a homeless guy in Detroit.
Apparently Joe Biden and Cindy McCain aren’t the only people making absolutely asinine remarks these days. The always colorful, oft offensive and seldom productive Gary Sheffield decided it had been long enough since his last foray into slanderous tongue slippage, so he enlightened us all over again when he offered his thoughts regarding the penalties he faces after last Friday’s brawl with the Cleveland Indians:
“You don’t take cheap shots, and that’s what happened. When I find out who it was, they are going to have to deal with me…”
“I don’t care about what the league thinks or what they do. I’ve got enough money to pay any fine they’ve got. Trust me.”
Nice work, Gary. Real nice. I don’t care about what the league thinks or what they do. What a fine example of sportsmanship you offer the world with that universally positive statement. Great job, Gary. You’ve got enough money to pay any fine they got. Yes. I trust that indeed you do. I also trust that you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank with that .223 batting average in tow.
Yes, that batting average sure is impressive, Gary. In fact, it’s so impressive that I’m sure you’ll be getting tons of offers all over the league for extensive playing contracts for the rest of your life! Gee, just think about all the money you’ll have then! You might be the richest person in the whole wide world which would mean you don’t have to pay attention to any of the rules of baseball or life or anything because you’ll be the most important person who ever lived and the entire planet will revolve around you! Yippee!
Here’s a hint from someone who still considers you a human being slightly worth a smidgen of thought: don’t invest with AIG or Lehman Brothers or whoever else. Actually, you’ll probably be better off stashing it under your bed — you know, that great big bed that’s so expensive and so huge that you probably don’t even sleep on it because it’s made out of gold and kitty whiskers and other things that are soft, shiny and/or very expensive.
No one knows how to alienate the little guy (‘little guy’ = we regular US American joes) like the paragon of verbal ineptitude otherwise known as Mr. Gary Sheffield.
Go ahead. Hate him. He deserves it.
You can hate me too, but don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.