The last couple days have been rough for the city of Detroit. The practically hometown Spartans were annihilated by UNC’s modern day version of George and Lennie, Ty and Tyler, while the Tigers have once again managed to open the season with consecutive losses. And if the losses weren’t bad enough, Detroit’s big offseason acquisition, Brandon Lyon, has so far proven to be a huge bust.
But, it’s time like these when I like to remind myself that it could be worse. At least we no longer have to deal with Kyle Farnsworth.
In his first outing of the season yesterday, Farnsworth managed to blow a great outing by Gil Meche when he dished up a three-run, game-winning homerun to Jim Thome with two out in the eighth. Now, to anyone familiar with Farnsworth’s body of work, this certainly came as no surprise. I used to watch him throw BP during the eighth inning of close games back when I was living in Chicago in 2003. But when it happens to a team that will in all likelihood end the season 20 games under .500, well, you just feel kind of bad.
For the team and the fans that is. For Farnsworth? Hell no. He’s baseball’s living embodiment of the Peter Principle. As Phil Rogers points out in his column in today’s Chicago Tribune, “[Farnsworth] throws hard. He can’t be trusted. But teams can’t stop thinking that
they are going to be the one to make him into a top-of-the-line setup
man, if not a closer.” Just ask the Cubs, Yankees and Tigers how that worked out for them.
As an unrepentant realist, here’s how I see it. Farnsworth should not play above triple-A, the Tigers are not going to the playoffs and Michigan State never had a chance. But, I’m not opposed to looking for the silver lining. For instance, at least I’m not a mouth-breathing, inbred okie. So, there’s that. And there’s this:
Yes, dear readers, those are the black tears of death running down the face of Kansas City Royals’ franchise juggernaut, Mark Teahen. As a proud member of the Royals, Teahen obviously experiences a lot of down time. So instead of wallowing away in the wasteland that is the Royals’ prospects at winning this year, Mark appears to be flirting with his death metal alter ego Marduk Two-Bagger.
In an effort to boost his fettered teammates’ moribund morale, Teahen also recorded an album featuring some quality head-thrashing tracks that aim to electrify underground metal clubs all across US America and inject fear into the ripped-out hearts of AL Central foes. Some of the more titillating featured titles from this album are:
Skulling Tony Pena
Thrash and Mesh Gil’s Misanthropic Meche
Goliath Killed David’s DeJesus
Nequaquam Vacuums and CoCo Crisps: Eat Them and DIE!!!
Crucify Kyle Farnsworth
Something tells me Kyle won’t have any problem doing that on his own…
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
(Image Courtesy of the Associated Press)
*The above story is completely false… and by false I mean it’s true… in my own little fantasyland.