Tagged: GW Bush

Nailing Jell-O to the Wall

“You know, nailing down Sen. Obama’s various tax proposals is like nailing Jell-O to the wall.”
                                                          — Senator John McCain, October 7, 2008

jello.jpgYou know, hearing this line over and over again is like watching that drunk uncle of yours wet himself at the family picnic — you feel sorry for him but at the same time you sorta like the idea of him making a fool of himself.

That being said, let me get to the heart of what’s really bothering me: why must Jell-O, an otherwise innocently delicious treat, be dragged into this foray of US American politics where hubris meets sophism for a night of long, agonizing repetition?  Seriously, I want to know: what did Jell-O ever do to deserve such scrutiny?  Huh?  Can anyone answer me that!?!

Let’s look at the facts, shall we, dear readers?  Jell-O.  It’s sweet.  It’s sticky.  It’s jiggly.

It’s best when chilled.

It’s even better with vodka, in shot form.

And now it’s got me thinking…

If Obama’s tax proposals — which will offer we regular US American joes, who DON’T make $250,000 a year, a break while asking the wealthy to pitch in a bit more — is like nailing Jell-O to the wall, then nailing Jell-O to the wall sounds like something we all better learn how to do.  Pronto.

john mccain is intense.jpgI see what the senator from Arizona was trying to do here.  He was trying to hide his condescension with a sprinkling of cutesy cleverness.  I didn’t buy it.  As usual, he came across as an old, bitter man still damaged from W’s vicious assaults during the 2000 campaign who is completely out of touch with normalcy (here, normalcy indicates those millions of individuals who are struggling right now, including me).

Whilst my struggles (financial, social, mental) weigh heavily on my mind right now, luckily, I am still able to find solace during this special time of year: the MLB Playoffs.  Sure, the Cards didn’t make it, the White Sox blew it and the Cubs aren’t around to ridicule anymore.

But collectively, we, as US Americans have four fine representatives to distract us for the next couple of weeks and I think we all (Red States, Blue States, Purple States) can agree on that.  What’s more exciting than watching the youth movement in Tampa Bay battle the Boston Red Sox (aka The New Yankees)?  While I have been off and on with my predictions this season, I’m gonna jump on the Tampa Bay train (as opposed to the Jason Bay train) because let’s face it: we need change we can believe in, folks; and Red Sox fans have proven that no matter how good they are or how many championships they win, they will still have an energy-draining inferiority complex coupled with roughly a bazillion things to complain about.

The Senior Circuit also offers us an intense battle as we prepare to watch the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles fight against ‘dem phightin’ Philadelphia Phillies (Mr. Krause’s pick to click).  While I will admit my preference is certainly for the National League style of play, I have a strong feeling that this match-up is going to be a snoozer compared to the AL series.

In fact, I might just go as far as to say that, comparatively speaking, watching the NLCS will be like nailing Jell-O to the wall.

Good pitching always beats good hitting: Tampa Bay v. Dodgers in the finale.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Exclusive “W” Speech Preview

george w bush.jpgOur undistinguished, verbally challenged dear leader will be giving a very important speech on the maligned state of the economy later this evening.  As an integral cog in the wheel of fast-forward journalism, RSBS was able to acquire an advanced copy of the speech by wielding its magical charm and flashing our telltale aura.  After a thorough study, we feel it is our civic baseball-politico duty to go ahead and give you, dear reader, a short preview of W’s finer points to come:

– – – – – –

“The economy?  Yeah.  It’s bad.  Surprised?  That’s what I do.  Remember the Rangers?  That was my team.  I owned it.  Y’ever want to cry about something, cry about that… yeah, you… what?  It’s called baseball.  Sometimes you win… sometimes… sometimes you don’t win and sometimes, well, it rains.”

– – – – – –

“Sarah Palin… yeah… she’s a hottie.  She’ll do alright here in my house.  She will.  Trust me.  I’m from Texas.”

– – – – – –

“You really want to vote in someone with the middle name Hussein?  Don’t you read your emails?  I do.  That’s what a president does.  He reads.  Have you read Green Eggs and Ham?  You should.  If you don’t you’re what I call un-American.”

– – – – – –

“You shouldn’t be focussed or worried on the economy.  We will bail those companies out.  And if I can get congress to get on board, we’ll also bail out the Montreal Ex– er, I mean, the Washington Nationals.  And the Pirates.  And maybe the Yankees.”

– – – – – –

“John McCain.  Vote for him.  Remember, I still have my finger on the red button until January so don’t mess with me.  Don’t mess with Texas.”

– – – – – –

“I’m tired of hearing about red states and blue states.  Put ’em together and whadya get?  Purple states.  And that’s our color.  Purple.  Let’s just be purple.”

– – – – – –

“Life ain’t all that bad, people.  Don’t you pay attention to the Cubs?  They’re good this year.  I predict they win the Stanley Cup.”

– – – – – –

“Did I mention that Sarah Palin’s hot?”

– – – – – –

“The war on terror costs money.  So get over it.”

– – – – – –

“Don’t take your money out of the banks.  Leave it there.  I may need to use it later in Iran.  Guess you could call that one of the perks of being the bossman.  Hehe.  I get to use your money and you can’t do nothin’ about it.  Sure, you can vote for the other guy, but you did that already and I still won.  Ha!  Straight shooter!”

– – – – – –

So there you have it folks.  Consider yourselves forewarned and don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

The Art of Irony, Backstabbing & Hopelessness


“Don’t give up, don’t ever give up.”

                         — Jim Valvano (1946 -1993)

Jimmy V is rolling in his grave.

On Thursday, in what became a Red State Blue State first, my once respected colleague and amicable opponent Allen Krause, officially gave up on his beloved Detroit Tigers.  Though they’re only 7.5 games back of the first place White Sox, Mr. Krause could not help but revert back to his status quo of negativity, sighting that the Tigers’ outlandish payroll and futile mediocrity was just too much — an endeavor he hadn’t the heart nor the patience to endure.  It caused shockwaves throughout baseball, causing these guys to say:

cabrera.and.renteria.jpgCongratulations, Mr. Krause, on joining the dishonorable ranks of fellow traitors Judas, Benedict Arnold and Jim Edmonds.

Honestly, this really shouldn’t be all that surprising to me; but in an odd sort of way, it is.  We are US Americans.  US Americans don’t give up.  We never give up.

When the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, did we sulk and cry and feel sorry for ourselves?

No.

Down three games to none in the 2004 ALCS, did the Boston Red Sox give up against the Evil Empire simply because the odds against them winning were next to none?

No.

And what about the spirit of US Americans after 9/11, the Bush administration, a flailing economy, tarnished foreign policies and an ill-conceived war of shadow chasing?  Did we all just throw our hands up in the air and ‘throw in the towel’?

NO!

When one loses hope — when he loses his identity, his affiliation for that which brings him joy — when he loses his propensity for positivism and forces his bleak outlook on the world using the headline Keep Ya Head Up, we — those who remain steadfast in our patriotic alliances to all things good — have no choice but to denounce and reject both the negativity monger and his infectious ideas.

You fooled me, Mr. Krause.  You had me thinking you were with the Tigers all the way — unconditionally.  Yes, you fooled me.  You know, they have an old saying in Tennessee…

For future reference, Mr. Krause, if you’re gonna bail on your team, do us all a favor and please refrain from disgracing the hip-hop legend that is Tupac.  He doesn’t deserve to be associated with your hapless despondency.

Because of you, he’s probably rolling around in his grave too.  And by “grave” I do mean the champagne room in the back of a Las Vegas hot spot. 

Oh yeah, he’ll be back. 

I believe.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Russian Roulette

deer hunter.jpgJason Isringhausen.  Ryan Franklin.  Ron Villone.  Kyle McClellan. 

Spin the chamber.  Pull the trigger.  See who you get.

russ.springer.jpgOn Sunday night, you got Russ Springer in the 8th inning.  You also got the rocket-like go-ahead homerun Shane Victorino catapulted off the aging journeyman reliever, which ruined a splendid starting performance by Todd Wellemeyer.

So it’s the same old story in St. Louis.

The bullpen is about as reliable as GW Bush is eloquent and the Cardinals have done a wonderful job of losing tight ballgames all season long because no one in the pen has been able to close the deal.  No one instills fear.  No one throws better than my grandma.

While John Mozeliak looks more and more like Ann Coulter, the Cardinals look more and more like a rollover ballclub that realistically can’t compete with the rest of the division, league, sport.

Dear readers, the dreaded paradigm shift seems to have begun.  Don’t adjust your monitor; what you are witnessing is real.  It appears that the Cardinals of today are not the Cardinals of yesterday.  They went from a heady go-get-em front office to a sit back and pray for the best front office in just one GM switch; and I’m afraid that in baseball, that philosophy doesn’t ever work.

Look at the Royals.

I have gone to great lengths to adequately describe — with videos and pictures — the extreme pain and anguish involved in watching the Cardinals try to hold a lead late in the game.  Presently, I feel that I am at a loss for expression.  How can I go any lower?

I’m afraid I can’t.  But I am an US American and US Americans don’t give up.  We never give up, even when a bitter, out-of-touch GOP presumptive nominee fails to realize that he received donations from a prominent hotelier who just so happened to sire the very vixen said nominee compared his opponent to in a scrupulous attack ad meant to instill psychological distrust among the mass of US Americans.  No, we don’t give up in the face of such abuses of power, and we won’t give up in the fight against mediocrity.  

To prove that this calloused plight is real, I recently started the Bring Bruce Sutter Out of Retirement Campaign.  While I go door to door to bring back Bruce, I also arranged for Dave LaRoche to school the Cardinals bullpen on the finer points of the Eephus pitch exhibited here:

It might not seem like much, but it’s more comforting than TLR and Dunc spinning the chamber and hoping they don’t get their brains blown out.  Of course, the optimist in me realizes that things could always be worse…

We could be the Tigers after all.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Countdown to Incompetence

mozeliak_2.jpgThe July 31st trade deadline isn’t getting any further away yet the St. Louis Cardinals front office, led by GM John Mozeliak, seems content with not trying to get better for a possible playoff push.  Apparently, Mozeliak, who is beginning to remind us of a certain head of state stubborn enough to believe his own methods of irresponsibility and subtle lunacy will actually work despite the entire planet’s discouragement, is quite okay with sitting back and letting fate (or the lack thereof) decide the ballclub’s competitive future.

In case you weren’t watching that god-awful series against the Brewers last week, Mr. Mozeliak, the Cardinals desperately need bullpen reinforcements.  DESPERATELY.  Pull the trigger.  Go out and get a guy who can hold a lead in the late innings.  Do something — anything — that will prove to Cardinals fans that you actually care.  We US Americans can no longer accept the fact that the Cubs, Brewers, Yankees, even the Astros, are spending a little bit of money, going out and getting all the pieces they need to make it to the post season.

And now that Izzy has been given the closer duties — again — our best bet is to have at least a 9-run lead going into the final innings of the game.  The Cardinals bullpen has already given me a serious heart condition and as I have said before, watching them in save situations makes me extremely uncomfortable. 

How uncomfortable?

As uncomfortable as you’ll feel watching this:

Yes, that really happened. 

Yes, Corey Feldman really takes himself seriously. 

And yes, it’s hard to feel more uncomfortable than that… though the Cardinals brass, with their non-existent attempts at making a deal, are trying their very hardest to best it.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Blame It On the Booze

Yes, dear readers, our venerable GW Bush came out yesterday and enlightened us with what has really been going on with the continuously slumping economy.  Folks, it had nothing to do with poor management at home, questionable foreign policies nor an ever widening gap between Red and Blue US American ideologies.  No. 

“Wall Street got drunk.”
                       — G.W. Bush

Thank the gods.  I was a tad bit worried there as I watched gas prices in Chicago soar to $4.50 a gallon.  I was just slightly disturbed when I spent $40 bucks at CVS and all I bought were paper towels, crossword puzzles and American Pie: Band Camp on DVD.  And I was a tad nervous when the doctor told me he could remove the lesions if only I put on a blonde wig, some heels and called him “Daddy”. 

But thankfully, none of that was a result of a gummed-up government overrun by lobbyists and big oil.  No.  Wall Street has just been boozin’ a bit… and that, dear readers, is certainly understandable.

Because nothin’ says America like a good old buzz.

I certainly am not immune from this.  In fact, by perusing the plentiful posts here at RSBS one could rightfully gather that we (Allen and I) are a bunch of drunks ourselves.  It’s true!  We are not ashamed!

US America is a country built on the boozing backgrounds of Europeans, Asians, Africans — all drunks!  Like baseball and apple pie, an everlasting state of drunkenness is simply the American way; Wall Street could not hide for long.

In light of this new information, let us follow the President’s lead:

Every good drunk needs his drunken hero and baseball has always provided plenty.  From Babe Ruth to Ty Cobb to Josh Hamilton, the grandest game on earth has never stopped producing inebriated icons.  Jim Edmonds was mine until he switched sides, but I’ve included his picture here still because of the pleasant company he keeps while out on the town.  Nowadays, I look to the boozing comeback of Sidney Ponson for inspiration… what a story.  And Rondell White.  He wasn’t named in the Mitchell Report because of his weakness for Tanqueray and tonics *wink, wink* but the man was a leader in the party scene. 

jim edmonds.jpgsidney ponson.jpgThumbnail image for rondell white.jpgTo these baseball heroes and a quick hangover recovery for our economy I raise my glass with you and say “Cheers!”  I also ask that you don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m (burp) right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Why Must the Cardinals Make My Life Miserable?

I can’t eat.

I can’t sleep.

I can’t find a date.

Thank you, St. Louis Cardinals.

kyle_lohse.jpgI went to bed last night thinking: So we blew it.  So what.  Tomorrow will be fine.  Lohse is on the mound.  We’ll be fine.  Really.  It’s all good.  The man is Lazarus.

And he was — just fine, raised from the dead and all — until he was left in a little too long and he started to show weakness: a crumbling arm.  And Tony, with little else to fall back on, because Mozeliak won’t make a deal for some relief, left him in.

And all hell broke loose.

I, as a St. Louis Cardinal fan and devoted US American, refuse to accept this surface steaming idealogical concept that we can survive on our own, without making a deal.  We’re up against the free-spending Cubs and Brewers!  Get your act together, Mr. Mozeliak!  You’re looking a lot like sit-on-my-^ss-while-I-read-a-story-book-GW Bush during the greatest tragedy of our time!

a-rod smirk.jpgI wrote an editorial on my dissatisfaction with the Cardinals’ front office and submitted it to the New York Times; however, they rejected it on the basis that it wasn’t controversial enough — not enough T&A — and it had nothing to do with the Yankees, the Mets, A-Rod nor Madonna.

So much for being the world leader in print news, New York Times.  For that I offer you a great big RSBS “EAT IT!”

And no, you may not hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy