Tagged: Iran

Unraveling the Wrath of New York

yankees on fire.jpgForget about Iran and its escalating nuclear capabilities.  Pay no attention to Iraq and its still undiscovered weapons of mass destruction.  If you wanna start a war, piss off a Yankees fan.

That’s exactly what my socially fledgling and oft baseball addled colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, did over the weekend.  With this one simple quote…

With the lineup they have at the plate and a ridiculous cast of pitchers, the pennant is theirs to lose.  But lose it they will.

…Mr. Krause ignited the unbridled anger of Bombers fans across US America.  For example:

Some troll who goes by “kb24” commented:

“Jeff Lung and Allen Krause are f***** a** losers! Have fun when the
Yankees win the World Series a**holes!”

You can reach said troll by emailing him with your own expletive laden rants at supermanredblue@hotmail.com, the address he uses to log into MLB.com.

rr257 said:

“So, the Yankees will lose again, like they always do? You should
probably follow roller derby, or another sport with a shallow
history…where people who write Blogs don’t have to know that the team
they are calling “losers” are the winningest team in sports history.”

Hey dude, how’d you know Al loves roller derby?  I am quite pleasantly surprised you had the time to investigate this little nugget of fact after your demanding schedule of Erin Andrews stalking.  Keep up the good fight!

And then, a guy (I assume it’s a guy, or perhaps a three-toed sloth who lives off Monster Energy Drink, ramen noodles and goodnight kisses from Mommy) who goes by Lukepiewalker121 emailed us with this quip of superior baseball knowledge:

“Ha, say what you want about the Yankees choking in past years. We live
in the present not the past. Go cry your butt off when they win the
World Series and A-Rod wins MVP of World Series now that he doesn’t
have all the pressure with Teixeira with him . . . . . loser live in
the present not the past!”

Now, now, Lukepiewalker121@aim.com, let’s not be so vicious in our ill thought retorts, shall we?  First of all, who the hell uses AIM anymore?  This ain’t 2003, buddy!  Join the living!  Stop — as you say — LIVING IN THE PAST!  Once you take your own advice and stop living in the past, I assume you and and your Yankee-lovin’ brethren will kindly stop reminding me and everyone else who has any aural abilities whatsoever that your beloved Bombers are the “winningest team in sports history” because, well, y’see, those 26 trophies are all in the past, pal.  Them days is over.  Move on.  Indeed, Lukepiewalker121, we live in the Yankees-Tend-To-Overpay-Free-Agents-and-Blow-It-In-the-Playoffs-Era; and just in case you haven’t noticed, the Yanks have been doing plenty of playoff choking in recent years, which is why my colleague made the brash statement that he did in the first place.

jim.leyland.jpgFeel good about this, Yankees fans who hate Allen Krause: Mr. Krause’s Detroit Tigers just put the finishing touches on one of baseball’s most prolific and grandiose epic fails of all time.

And know that I don’t always (or ever) agree with Mr. Krause, but in this case, he makes a valid (albeit sloppy) point.  If the Yanks follow their recent history, they’re due to disappoint. 

So, my dear Yankee fan readers, I will bare the olive branch with this bit of truce:

If the Yankees do win the World Series, I will take Lukepiewalker121’s advice and “cry my butt off”. 

Hate me ‘cuz I unravel the reasoning behind the phrase Evil Empire, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right… if ya don’t believe me, ask cubluvr1995, the last childish, ranting, wrathful dear reader to bite the proverbial RSBS dust.

Peace,

Jeff

Defeat

I’m still recovering from the Tigers’ shocking defeat at the hands of the Cardinals this past week. The upside is that we saw a little consistency from Detroit. Yep, just like in the 2006 World Series, fielding by the pitchers was once again atrocious. And when Verlander gets knocked around the way he did despite the season he’s been having, you know it’s going to be a rough week. However, it’s even worse knowing what the price of that defeat will be.

But, it can always be worse. At least I’m not in Jason Jones’ shoes:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Indecision 2009 – Ahmadinejad Rally in Iran
thedailyshow.com
http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:cms:item:comedycentral.com:230089
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

Iran: now that’s defeat. Happy Friday!

-A

Demented Yet Debonair

With the disputed elections in Iran this past weekend following hot on the heels of Kim Jong Il’s announcement that his third son will take over the reins of a dysfunctional but nuclear-armed North Korea, we here at RSBS started to wonder who would take the crown as king of the crazies if we actually did the research. Luckily, the interns had nothing better to do while Jeff and I watched some interleague tom-foolery and they came up with this objective and quantitatively analysed list. So, without further ado, we present the results of the very first RSBS “Demented yet Debonair” contest.

Honorable Mention:
Hugo.jpgHugo Chavez
If at first you
don’t succeed, nationalize! Now, I’m aware that this could also be
America’s motto right now but Hugo has been doing it for so many years
now that he’s an old pro. On top of that, rumor has it that after the
recent introduction of Coke Zero to the country of Venezuela, President
Chavez promptly banned it on vague charges of healthiness. This coming
from a man who drinks enough coffee in one day to single-handedly
support Juan Valdez’s retirement. El Presidente, we salute you.

1st Runner Up:
ahmadinejad.jpgMahmoud Ahmadinejad
It’s not
just the snazzy gray suit worn without a tie or the oft repeated urge to wipe
Israel off the map. No, Mahmoud has that little something extra that
makes you think he’s capable of so much more. Maybe it’s the malevolent
twinkle in his eye. Maybe it’s his ability to go from zero to rabid
anti-Semite in 4 seconds flat. Or maybe it’s how he flummoxed all the
pundits and wiped out the opposition in this past weekend’s elections.
Whatever it is, the Iranian president will always be a contender.

Runner Up:
Kim_jong_il.jpgKim Jong Il
In a region where political longevity is often measured in fractions of years, the Kim family has managed to hold onto power for several decades now. How do they do it? Well, let’s just say that it has nothing to do with extra doses of the warm fuzzies. And Kim Jong Il’s announcement that his son, Kim Jong Un, will take over upon his demise combined with new nuclear sabre-rattling just kind of makes observers scratch their heads and wonder what is going on. However, knowing that Mr. Kim is a huge movie buff, I bet the picture all looked much clearer and much better in his head.

Sadly, despite all the craziness in the world today, there can only be one winner of this year’s “Demented yet Debonair” contest. And I don’t think any of our readers will be surprised to see….

WINNER:
bud selig ear.jpgBud Selig
Yep, although Commissioner Selig hasn’t done anything too wild recently, he still has done quite a bit to earn this honor. There was the infamous tied All-Star game and his non-action during the steroid era. He also bears a lot of the blame for the out of control inflation within baseball that has driven many fans out of the park and left it open only to corporate bigwigs and smarmy lawyers. But more importantly, Bud Selig created Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds and that’s unforgivable. Granted, he may not be looking to blow up the world or start the Bolivarian revolution but he has besmirched the good name of baseball. That’s not something we look lightly on here at RSBS. I suppose that if he sent Erin Andrews to come and convince us otherwise, though, at least half of us would listen.

-A

Credits:
Thanks to L for the Coke Zero story


The Filibuster

What do you think will happen first: the Iranians blow us up or the Royals win the pennant?

Tim
Blue Springs, MO


__________________________________________

royals_blooper.jpgTim, first of all let me say that I understand your frustration.
Waiting for mutually assured destruction or the return of the George
Brett era Royals can both be daunting and rather fruitless tasks. Remember,
I’m a Lion’s fan. During our glory days, Henry Ford was still signing
the checks over at his eponymous motor company. But fear not! I have
some bad news for you but it’s followed by something a little more
positive.

First, the bad. The Iranians will have the bomb well before the Royals
ever win another pennant. In fact, there’s a good chance that the
Congolese and Nepalese will have the bomb before the Royals head to the
World Series again. I don’t say that to be mean, I just want to be
honest with you. It’s therapeutic.

But now the good news. No one really cares if the Iranians get the
bomb. It’s kind of a dirty little foreign policy secret but most
everyone, even Dick Cheney,
assumes that they’re only a year or two from it happening anyway. If we
were to go in today and knock out the nuclear sites we know about,
there’s enough redundancy in the program that it would probably only
set them back by a few months. Like it or not, the world is going to
have to accept the idea of a nuclear-armed Iran.

However, here’s the better news. Despite occasional
crackpot pronouncements by certain leaders, the bomb tends to moderate
those who possess it. What’s the old phrase, “With great power comes
great responsibility?” Once you have the bomb, you kind of have to take
care of it. Otherwise, it’s possible that it just might blow up in your
face…..pun intended.

So, Tim, take a lesson from Kubrick and Sellers and learn to stop worrying and love the bomb. Really, what do you have to worry about anyway? Let’s be honest, when the bombs start falling, Missouri is going to be some prime real estate. In fact, it will probably be the only untouched part of the country. Sleep tight, Timmy! You’re safe. Because, when you think about it, why would you nuke some wheat fields, a few cows and a really crappy baseball team?

-A

Centrifugal Force


ahmedijad.jpgAs if the world wasn’t overflowing with enough bad news already, Iranian officials came forth on Thursday to boast of their newly installed 7,000 centrifuges, presumably to scare we evil US Americans into bowing down to their racist demands or else.

During the kangaroo court adminstration of ‘Lil Bush and Smokin’ Dick Cheney, this clear and present danger would have been immediately dismissed like a young Dubya D.U.I. arrest.  Unfortunately, Iran is not North Korea: they are not just playing around.  And thankfully the Obama adminstration is making a sincere effort to work out these serious issues.

That being said, the topic of nuclear weapons is not what interests me on this day; rather, it is the centrifugal technology behind it that leads to such scary development.

For it is this exact same technology that the Baltimore Orioles and Toronto Blue Jays are currently utilizing to trick their fans in to thinking they have an actual shot at competing this year.  After one series apiece, both teams find themselves with more wins than losses.

The Orioles?  Well, they just got lucky.

The Blue Jays?  They played the Tigers.

blue jays collide.jpgAnd it’s gonna be all downhill from here because let’s face it: centrifugal force is and always will be a pseudo-force — one that originates from within and does not interact with other, real forces.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

A Guide for Passing the Time

Nothing says “It’s almost time for baseball” more than the Superbowl. On the one hand, the end of the NFL season means the next couple weeks are devoid of anything sportingly worthwhile. Basketball is fine but I don’t really care until the NCAA tournament rolls around. And hockey? Well, if the Red Wings are playing and there’s nothing else to do, maybe I’ll check it out. But the other side of this is knowing that in two short weeks (or maybe two long weeks) pitchers and catchers report.

So, what can we do to fill the time between now and then? How do we kill 14 days without losing it and accidentally killing something more? Here at RSBS, we’re compiling an ever-expanding list of things to do to pass the time until the baseball season finally begins.

detroit_frozen.jpgSight-Seeing Vacation in Detroit
What isn’t to love about the city that could have served as the backdrop for the movie “The Crow?” However, beyond seeing what is left of old Tiger Stadium and visiting Greektown, there are also new and exciting tourist destinations. For instance, the body frozen in ice. Or how about Ford field, site of 8 of the Lions’ 16 losses this past season? Hurry, though. It’s all going to thaw soon and then you’re in real trouble.

Reestablishing Diplomatic Ties with Iran
All they want is an apology. Is that so hard? Oh, really? We already tried that? Well, how about we try Venezuela instead. Caracas seems like a friendly place.

barack-michelle-fist-bump.jpgFinding the Most Famous Email Address in Washington
Apparently only a select few have access to the President via email. Where’s that transparency you told us about, Mr. President? If I can’t forward you emails from my Grandma about Barack Obama being a secret Muslim, then what…….oh, right. Yeah, I guess I wouldn’t want those emails either.

Helping Jeff Feel Sorry for Himself

Nevermind. It looks like he already has that one under control.

So, there you go. Already we have four ideas for you and there’s no telling how the list will grow. Happy Superbowl and just so you know, I will be cheering for Arizona. What can I say? When you’re a Lions fan, you just get used to cheering for the underdog.

-A

Dismissal & Détente

I have been accused by some people of writing too much about Venezuela on this blog. But it’s hard not to write about this wonderfully dysfunctional country when they just keep finding ways to amuse. Now, if Mr. McCain were our president I’m sure he would have already gone in and occupied the country since war is the first and only answer.
However, cooler minds had prevailed up until this point and we had managed to stay out of a p!ssing match with our South American wannabe nemesis.

In the same way I have tried to avoid conflict with my friend and co-blogger, Mr. Lung. I figured that by letting him say what he wanted and not responding, I could avoid the tension and childish escalations that now define the U.S.-Venezuela relationship. In both instances, those days are now behind us. From now on, I will call it exactly like I see it.

Mr. Lung, you are wrong about instant replay. Reviewing disputed home run calls makes the game more just. And the game stops for less time than a commercial break so where’s the continuity problem many opponents have decried? If there were umps down the baselines in the outfield like there are in the playoffs, then you might have an argument. But there aren’t so I’ll have to kindly ask you to go home. You have 72 hours to pack your bags and leave.

Now, I hope this doesn’t provoke some sort of diplomatic incident. I hope you don’t get sick on some sushi and throw up all over my shoes. And I hope you will still continue to sell me your otherwise unrefinable crude oil.

However, if I may be so bold, I would like to make one final effort and extend an olive branch to my once and future friend. And this symbol of peace comes, strangely enough, directly from President Chavez’s rambling diatribe dismissing the US ambassador this week. I think we can all agree on this one thing:

Hugo.jpg

That’s enough … from you, f—ing Yankees.”

F—ing Yankees indeed.

-A