Man, that sure turned into a dogfight. Seriously, just a few days ago it seemed like everything was decided and then, BAM, everything’s back up in the air again. The thing is, we could really be talking about a few different things right now. It could be Jayson Werth’s walk-off homer in DC to force a game 5. It could be the two different series going to decisive game 5’s in spite of teams jumping out to a 2 games to none lead in both. Or it could be the Vice Presidential debate where Joe Biden and Paul Ryan slugged it out like a couple of prizefighters.
In the end it really doesn’t matter which one you choose because no matter what, it was highly entertaining. Me, I love Joe Biden so it was great to watch him come out swinging. He didn’t win in a knockout but if you were scoring at home, it’s pretty safe to say he took the match on points. Which may not be so surprising since this is who he was going up against:
Uh, dude, 1990’s Will Smith wants his outfit back. The Fresh Prince of Hot Air, if you will.
But getting back to the entertainment aspect, the same goes for the playoffs. There was drama all over the place and if the next round is half as entertaining as the play-in games and the Division Series, we’re in for some good baseball. I love October, almost as much as Paul Ryan loves backwards hats.
Just like baseball teams and really any other sports franchise, politicians also are enterprises. They may not be incorporated in quite the same way and maybe the legal terminology is different but look at the facts. They have to build a brand around a name. They want to figure out how to get you, the consumer, to spend your hard-earned cash on whatever it is they happen to be peddling. They have no trouble floating with the winds of whatever fad has taken the country by storm at a certain point in time. The sad fact of the matter is that Jimmy Stewart’s Mr. Smith never really existed except for in our collective imagination.
But this is where it gets fun. Sure, it’s easy to compare different sports franchises with different companies, expounding on their similarities and noting the token differences. But if politicians are corporations, too, how do they stack up against their private sector counterparts?
Well, luckily for you, RSBS is here to fill you in. Since we don’t have enough time to go down the list and match up every politician with the business that he most resembles, we’re just going to use the four most important politicians of the moment, the presidential and vice-presidential candidates. So, without further ado, RSBS presents: Candidate, Inc.
We begin with the sitting president and initiator of one of the most formidable marketing campaigns of recent memory, Barack Obama. His meteoric rise from being born to a single mother to Chicago neighborhood organizer to President of the United States is the American Dream personified. It hasn’t always been easy and six months ago it seemed that his run had finally come to an end. But somehow he used his rivals’ mistakes and his own impressive skills to claw himself back from the edge of ruin. Sound familiar? It should because it’s pretty similar to the same path taken by one of the companies he saved, General Motors.
Joe hasn’t always had an easy ride, even if it’s sometimes self-inflicted. But the man just keeps coming back. Severe stutter as a child? Bounces back. Wife and daughter die in a car crash? Bounces back. Makes vaguely racist remarks about a fellow candidate? Bounces back. Sure, he may not have ended up being number one but vice-president ain’t too shabby neither. And Joe has his moments. Remember when he managed to drop an f-bomb on national television? Or when he basically called the Republicans the reincarnation of Southern plantation owners? You may not always love him and he may not have come out on top but the man has something. Kind of like the Ford Motor Company.
Moving to the other side of the aisle, we have the scion of a wealthy and well-connected political family who just can’t seem to figure out what that all means. Sure, he’s ambitious and it’s obvious that he’ll go to all sorts of lengths to win. But what does he really do? What does he really stand for? Does he attend NASCAR races to see fast cars driving in circles or to hang out with the team owners? He’s kind of like Kodak. Like Kodak, he had all the keys to success but then he couldn’t figure out how to reinvent himself when the paradigm shifted. He was successful as governor mainly because he worked with the other party and even adopted some of their policies. And you know what? It worked! But then his digital camera moment came along, the Tea Party, and despite having all the advantages, he just can’t seem to put it together. The way things are going now, Romney appears set to follow in Kodak’s tracks. I’m pretty sure losing the presidential election would hurt just about as bad as being dropped from the Dow Jones Industrial Average.
And finally we come to the baby of the group, the newcomer who in the past two years pretty much has come to define what “Republican” means today. The “Paul Ryan Budget” plan, the championing of causes close to the hearts of the Tea Party faithful, his anointment as heir apparent and placement on the presidential ticket. It’s an amazing valuation for a young and relatively unknown congressman. In fact, it reminds me a lot of another brand that rode to national prominence based on similar parlor tricks. However, when you ask how Enron‘s stock is faring today, the best you can hope for is a look of awkward questioning as the other person hopes you’re just joking. It turns out that it was all just smoke and mirrors. Paul Ryan? Pretty much the same thing.
In today’s political landscape where corporate cash injections pretty much determine the course of events, it makes sense that the candidates themselves would have to begin acting like corporations in order to succeed. But since that mindset has become the de facto organizing principle for everything from baseball teams to high schools, chances are we should probably just get used to it. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to figure out what kind of businesses we’re dealing with.
Obama/Biden is hardly the Cabrera/Fielder combination it once was. Should the president drop Joe?
Apparently the VP’s comments about the big banks putting “y’all back in chains” under a Romney administration have set off a firestorm of criticism. Of course the Romney campaign indignantly declared this a new low in an election that will surely reach entirely new lows over the next few months. But if you take a step back, none of this should really come as a surprise. It’s just Biden being Biden.
Anyone who follows politics knows that Joe Biden is a walking gaffe machine. I mean, this is the man who famously referred to the future President as “articulate and bright and clean.” At least this time he’s pointing his rhetorical weapons of mass destruction at the other side. And let’s be honest here, that’s part of the reason why Obama brought him on board as VP in the first place. It’s also one of the reasons why there’s absolutely no reason for the President to drop him now.
Honestly, Biden’s moment last week was a godsend for the Obama campaign. It followed news of the Paul Ryan pick, a moment that was supposed to change the election debate to matters of the economy and the budget. Instead, the press and everyone else is talking about Biden’s statement. Add in that it fires up an important part of the Democratic base, black Americans, and I really don’t see where this is hurting the Obama campaign at all. Biden’s “gaffes” often serve to humanize both him and the President he serves. They also give the campaign a way to say something while still claiming plausible deniability. “Hey, we didn’t ask him to say that. That’s just Biden being Biden. However, now that you mention it….” Sounds like a winning strategy to me.
More than that, though, Obama has no desire to get rid of Biden because Biden is the guy who turns the Obama strategy into reality. You think the Affordable Care Act gets passed without Biden making calls and twisting arms? You think “Don’t ask, don’t tell” gets repealed without Joe putting in some face time? Sure, sometimes he may force the President’s hand, like with his comments on gay marriage, but is that such a bad thing? Here’s an even better analogy. Biden is COO to Obama’s CEO. And trust me, being CEO without an effective COO is a painful proposition. Just ask George HW Bush about that one.
Should Obama drop Joe? Hell no.
It’s Shark Week. But you knew that. What you might not know is how dire the level of stupid is that permeates our planet.
Which makes me ask: WHERE IS JAWS WHEN YOU REALLY NEED HIM?!?!
Why not show up in the Red Sox clubhouse? Talk about sharks in the water, my goodness. Isn’t it funny how a couple of World Series titles make us forget just how endearing the Red Sox used to be? Nowadays, The Nation seems more like an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Incessant and annoying bickering from privileged entitled millionaires ad nauseum. Before the season started, I was so excited Bobby Valentine was back in the manager’s seat because I knew he would bring drama to the league. This is NOT the drama I was looking for.
Nor was I looking for the Vice President of US America to be just as stupid as I’ve always thought he might be. Well, turns out he is. Joe Biden’s mouth seems to be about as large as Jaws’, yes, it’s just too bad he uses his for talking instead of devouring prey.
And while I realize Jaws tends to reside in the warm coastal waters off the North Atlantic, would it be too much to ask for him to swim down, out and around on up to the San Francisco Bay? There’s one fraudulent outfielder there who could use a good ass-chewin’.
Hate me ‘cuz I’m angry, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Before you start jumping to conclusions, dear readers, let me just say that I don’t think Vice President Joe Biden’s aides were in the right for locking Orlando Sentinel reporter, Scott Powers, in the closet during a recent Alan Ginsburg-paid soiree to raise money for the 2012 election campaign. If Biden’s aides are as sexy and savvy as the RSBS interns, then they surely had a good reason for keeping Mr. Powers confined to a small space for such a long time.*
As a bonafide megafortified soused-out baseball fanatic, I can honestly say that I’d like to keep a few players in the closet for the entire 2011 season, so that I can concentrate on the games being played rather than the asinine soap-operatic subplots of the whiny and perpetually irritating.
Who shall we keep locked up this season you ask? Well, I’ll tell you:
This is a tough call because Nyjer’s antics often result in beanball wars and Jeff Lungian smackdowns — both staples of maintaining my healthy psyche. But, when a player constantly runs his mouth and ends up getting his teammates hurt, then I think it’s time to get out the jaw-wiring. Besides, Morgan’s a
Nat Brewer. No one will even notice he’s gone.
He’s an idiot. He’s a birther. He’s an Oriole. And all of those things make him… irrelevant. A perfect candidate to be closeted. For the season. All of it!
And finally, if we’re going to be throwing folks in the closet for the season, let us not leave out…
I know that being a Seattle Mariner inherently keeps Milton’s whining out of the headlines (few people care to read the perils of such a slogging team), but this dude isn’t just a baby. He isn’t just a clubhouse cancer. He’s also a wife-beater. Not only that, but the man is not a good baseball player. He had one decent year, got paid and then went back to being a snake.
To the closet they go!
Hate me ‘cuz I’m slingin’ mud, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
*This is also how Mr. Krause’s parents shielded him from the temptations of adolescence.
We all have something to say. The difference is in how and when we choose to say it.
The nice thing about blogging is that we get to say it when we want to and, with the exception of a few words that our hosts choose to censor, we get to say what we want.
The Freedom of Speech guaranteed under the Bill of Rights is arguably the most powerful right we have as Americans. It’s the reason Orel Hershiser can thank god after winning a game and the reason why I can tell him that god doesn’t exist. It’s the reason A-Rod and his agent can announce a contract extension during the middle of a World Series in which he isn’t playing and it’s also the reason why I can say that I think A-Rod and his agent are both worthless kangaroo placentas.
Around this time of year the debate over what constitutes free speech ratchets up another level, though. Political adversaries regularly find a way to push their constitutional freedoms to illogical extremes. It’s not enough to say you disagree. If you can’t figure out how to disagree and simultaneously accuse your opponent of raping and/or clubbing baby seals, you’re just not doing your job.
That’s why I choose to stand aside from name-calling and ad hominem attacks this post-season and political season. I will not mention the Yankees’ illegal dog-fighting ring in which they set underfed terriers against various members of the Royals’ bullpen unless I have proof. And I refuse to talk about Joe Biden and Christine O’Donnell’s secret Wiccan connection until no doubt remains in my mind to its veracity.
Additionally, I call on my co-blogger, Mr. Lung, to publicly announce his willingness to toe this line. That is, if he’s not too busy fantasizing about he and Albert Pujols holding hands while clubbing and/or raping baby seals.
And so it goes that the world’s de facto millionaire man-child, Milton Bradley, sees his season end prematurely — stopped cold by the Chicago Cubs’ general manager Jim Hendry. Or so we are led to think…
After the tumultuous inaugural season Bradley had with the eternally ill-fated Cubbies, isn’t it possible that Milton simply quit on his own and Hendry & Co. were left to cover up what would otherwise be the Major League scandal of the year? At this point, I am willing to believe anything; which is why we put our loyal interns to the test — to uncover the hidden meaning in Hendry’s public statement, to discover what’s really going on, to report the Truth.
Dear readers, here are the results — the top ten reasons why Milton Bradley’s season came to an abrupt and early end:
10. Wanted to give lifetime minor leaguer Bobby Scales a shot at breaking the .250 mark
9. There is only room for ONE colossal fail per team and Alfonso Soriano has a pretty good beat on it
8. Admitted to being an avid reader of the Chicago Sun-Times
7. Suffering from an acute torn mental labrum
6. Decided to dedicate more time to establishing universal health care
5. With the NFL season under way, wanted to pass the “Chicago Public Relations Disaster” moniker on to a more accomplished, more deserving, more disappointing (and prettier?) candidate in Jay Cutler
4. Made secret promise to self that if he succeeded in beating Jacque Jones as the most hated right fielder in the history of the Chicago Cubs he would pack up and go home, satisfied, with $10 million more in his wallet
3. Worried his name might leak as Candidate Number 3 in Rod Blagojevich’s pay-to-play federal investigation
2. Adamant about having the Ricketts Family rename his team: The Chicago Uncle Toms
And the number one reason why Milton Bradley’s season came to an abrupt and early end:
1. He’s just… a whiny… little… bee-otch
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
You guys are kind of crazy, so let me ask you, does it make any sense
when Biden says we “have to go spend money to keep from going bankrupt”
as a nation? I figured you might understand that more than me since you
seem to have that politician air about you. I mean, Allen lost a bet to
Jeff like three or four weeks ago and still hasn’t paid up like he
promised. Read my lips…
Not to go about this backwards but I need to address an important issue. Yes, it’s true that I have not yet written about my, uh, “love and respect” for the Cardinals nor have I posted the promised photo of myself wearing Cardinals paraphernalia. But, to be fair, I am dealing with some extenuating circumstances and the problem should be resolved in the next couple of weeks. Next couple of weeks, I promise. Read my lips.
As for Biden, well, he never really has been known for the ability to bite his tongue. I mean, you do remember what ended his presidential run, right? A little fuzzy on it? Maybe this will help:
Yeah, “clean” and “articulate.” So, when Biden makes a statement like this one, well, you kind of have to take it with a grain of salt.
But when I say a grain, I mean no more than that. The fact is, despite Biden’s hyperactive jaw muscles and his unique ability to completely mangle a message, there’s some truth in what he says.
During the Great Depression, government spending was what eventually led to us working our way back to productivity and higher employment. I’m not saying that we’re in quite the same fiscal predicament as 1929 but with unemployment heading to double digit figures nationally, something has to be done. As my grandma likes to say, “Idle hands are the devil’s playground,” and there are no hands that are more idle than a bunch of twenty-something, straight out of college, over educated and underemployed vagabonds. Or twenty-something, never been to college, undereducated and no longer employed vagabonds for that matter.
Biden does not have the same golden throat as the president and no one is ever going to accuse him of being smooth. But, despite those seeming faults, he does have one thing going for him and I’m pretty sure it’s the reason Obama chose him as vice-president. Biden says the stuff the rest of us think but will never say out loud. We may not like to hear it and it may not always sound right but someone eventually has to point out the truth about the emperor’s new clothes.
So, think about it this way, George. When you go out to your job tomorrow morning working on that new interstate spur near Kansas CIty, why do you think it is that your job exists? Who’s paying for that spur to be built? Looks like that spending is also keeping more than just the nation from going bankrupt.
Though I cannot necessarily prove this theory in conventional form, as an honest human being with an affinity for disclosure, I assure you that I have good reason to believe both Republican juggernauts Ann “She-Devil” Coulter and Rush “Just Call Me Jabba” Limbaugh were hunched over their television sets last night vehemently rooting against Team USA, praying to their hypocritical conservative god that Team Puerto Rico would find a way to quell the dreams and aspirations of US Americans worldwide.
It didn’t work.
Jimmy Rollins and David Wright became the baseball versions of Barack Obama and Joe Biden — once bitter rivals who put aside their differences, bridged the gap and brought home a win when it mattered the most.
Get over it.
That goes for my colleague, Mr. Allen Krause as well. Because we all know that Mr. Krause would rather see Rollins and Wright duke out that “choke-fest” moniker on the field — the last man standing to be crowned the argument’s winner; but if we US Americans are really about anything, we are about coming together in times of need, when it matters most.
Unless you are a Republican, of course.
And though Obama has done a fine job of staying the course early on in his presidency, it appears he finally gave in and enlightened the snickering skeptics and delinquent ditto-heads by unintentionally posing as a Tusken Raider for the cameras:
This unfortunate photographic gaffe comes on the heels of an equally embarrassing egregious error regarding the double-talk surrounding those suspiciously infuriating AIG bonuses paid out to the very individuals responsible for schmucking the company’s total worth in the first place.
Are the Dems backpedaling on their original outcries?
Does this reflect poorly on the majority administration?
More harm than good, I would say.
Should we blindly follow the GOP sideshow leaders and trust that malcontent dissension is the social bonding agent of the future?
Rollins and Wright. Braun and Lilly. Jeter and Youk.
There is a time and place to battle it out, folks. But when enemy minds come through together in the clutch? That, my friends, is what makes the United States of America the greatest country on earth.
Ah… If only politics would mirror baseball.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
In the spirit of the times, I’d like to further explore the art of analogy by combining three apparently disparate notions into one explosive idea. As we all know by now, tonight brings us the first and only Vice Presidential debate of the season. And although both candidates were brought onto their respective teams for very specific reasons, they also both have an unerring knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
In many ways, the VP candidates mirror my own experiences as well as those of my friend and co-writer, Mr. Lung. You see, when it comes down to it, I’m Joe Biden and my friend is the very living, breathing embodiment of Sarah Palin.
Now, I know what you’re going to say. And yes, it’s true. Jeff is the cute one. But there’s more to life than that. There’s also style, substance and, of course, the swimsuit contest:
The situation becomes even more eery when you look at the similarities between the prospective VPs and the teams that Jeff and I support. Gov. Palin comes from a middle of nowhere town that no one really cares about and the same can be said of the Cardinals. Sen. Biden hails from a once great rust belt city (Scranton, PA) that, like Detroit (the team and the city), has fallen on hard times. The Cardinals deck themselves out in red, the color of the GOP, while the Tigers are happiest in blue, a Democratic color that really brings out Biden’s eyes.
The most important question we have to face, though, is whether this matchup will end up like the 2006 World Series where the Tigers’ gaffes cost them the Series (very possible when it comes to Biden) or is this like the 2007 and 2008 regular season when the Tigers manhandled the Cards (think Palin with Katie Couric)? There’s only one way to find out and that’s by tuning in at 9EDT tonight. Go Biden (Tigers, me)!