Lot of talk about weiners, Weiners and Weiner’s weiner the past couple weeks. This is nothing new in the sports universe, though, especially in the NFL. However, which MLB player do you think will most likely find himself involved in some sort of similar scandal?
Big Rapids, MI
As is the case with most famous weiner (and Weiner) related exposés, the following will certainly be an exercise in self-restraint, as I think we all know the immense public propensity to go for the easy male-member joke. But the easiest joke here, as far as I can tell, is that the Rep. Anthony Weiner scandal is even a scandal at all!
I am not saying we should give the guy a medal of honor or anything, but, what exactly did he do to warrant a public scandal of such magnitude? So he donned a swaggering internet persona and talked dirty to some chicks online… and then didn’t have sexual relations with any of them? Um, okay, if this illegal then somebody come lock my @$$ up!!!
Yes, Rep. Weiner is a creepazoid. So what? Aren’t most politicians? From my vantage point, Weiner didn’t break any laws. He didn’t physically hurt anyone. He is only guilty of being stupid — of being aloof and naive a la John Edwards to mistakenly think the interwebs are a completely private domain and that interacting with folks in a lewd manner outside of his marriage would never be revealed by the parties involved.
Like our future 45th president alludes, the online lust-quest has become common for modern man; and this “scandal” is really something that should be left between Rep. Weiner and his wife. Unless he’s Marv Albert-ing these women or wasting tax dollars on callgirls, I don’t see how any of this is of public interest.
But since you asked, Eric, what MLB player would most likely find himself in the same Weinerific situation, I gotta say, right now, it would have to be Adam Dunn.
I mean, come on… SOMETHING is eating at the Big Donkey and it ain’t Ozzie Guillen! When a perennial homerun monster like Dunn suddenly lives under the Mendoza line with only a handful of bombs while playing his home games at launching-pad Sox Park, and it’s mid-June, something ain’t right.
Hmm… you thought I was gonna say A-Rod, didn’t ya? Well, A-Rod probably does take lewd photos of his “attributes” with intentions of sending them out to virtual partners; however, I think his tenacious love for himself would force him to keep such images for his eyes only.
Hate me, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
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On the left wing, a grand jury formally indicted John Edwards for illegal campaign contributions among other things. Now, if you have somehow forgotten, this is all connected to the child that Edwards fathered while cheating on his cancer victim wife. As bad as that may be on a moral level, on an intelligence level it went even lower because he continued to run for the nomination during all of this somehow believing that no one would ever find out. I’m not sure if that counts as hubris or just plain, old-fashioned stupidity.
Luckily, the right wing continues to support gaffe-making machine and friend-of-mediocrity-everywhere, Sarah Palin, in what we can only hope is a Steven Colbert inspired humorous campaign for the presidency. Let’s roll the tape:
Seriously? I’m pretty sure that “The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere” is de rigueur for all schoolchildren. On the bright side, Palin’s newest adventure in creatively reinventing history allowed for this quip from Politico’s Ben Smith: “Palin makes Bachmann look like Longfellow.”
I’m sure there’s plenty more to come from both sides since we’re only a week into June of 2011 and the elections don’t take place until the end of 2012. It’s also safe to assume that we’ll be bringing it all your way, occasionally with a little baseball flavor.
For instance, take Elizabeth Edwards. There’s no denying that her battle against breast cancer was an inspiration. That it finally took her life after seemingly being fought into remission made the story tragic. Add in the way she was treated by her husband and the tragedy takes on entirely new proportions.
In contrast, if you read the stories associated with John Edwards’ two presidential campaigns, Mrs. Edwards doesn’t come out looking so nice. By all accounts she was a fire-breathing bag of hate and pity the fool who looked at her the wrong way or decided to disagree with her. Although this wasn’t the public face she chose to show, it became the new paradigm following the publication of these stories.
I guess that in my analysis, I’d call Mrs. Edwards the Gary Sheffield of politics. There’s no denying that she added something special to the team. She was pitch perfect under the lights and seemed to be nothing but an asset. But off the field, when no one was around except for the team, the issues came out and affected those around her. Yeah, sounds a lot like Sheff to me.
Like Sheff, she wound up facing a fair amount of controversy and having her tactics and decisions called into question. The difference is that Sheffield still has a chance to redefine his paradigm. Hopefully for him, he won’t have to wait for a tragic death to re-contextualize his life.
Don’t quite understand VORP? UZR? PECOTA?
But the baseball basics? I thought everyone knew them.
I was wrong.
And rightly so. Not everyone’s interests align with mine; I shouldn’t look down on those who eschew the grandest game on earth (feel sorry for them, yes; patronize them? No.). Of course, I know this — NOW — after being way out of the loop on a conversation revolving around physics and something called… AFV.
“What is this curious AFV?” I kept asking myself as the cognoscenti carried on, oblivious to my poorly hidden obliviousness. The conversation dipped and rolled, skipped and scooted… “the air to ground ratio” this and “the hyperbolic arc” that.
Later, when I was all alone, I googled this curious AFV, only to find out that I’m a windmill-chasin’ idiot. Because AFV stands for America’s Funniest Videos.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
The lesson is clear: know your acronyms. And since we live right in the middle of technocracy’s jumbled white noise, we’d all do ourselves a favor by learning the hard ones. So, of course, the RSBS interns got to work on providing you, dear readers, with three of the most up-to-date acronyms you’ll ever find:
(Heterosexual Life Partner)
My HLP is Albert Pujols. He doesn’t know this (yet), but he is. He will know sooner if the GD cops would stop throwing this GD order of protection in my face. Uh… it’s getting in the way of my DESTINY*, Mr. Police MAN.
(Lou Intending to Actually Retire)
Admittedly, this is an odd acronym as it only pertains to people named Lou who hold whoop-dee-doo press conferences with the idea of hanging it up for good. And, considering the nature of our thought processes, it requires us to juxtapose the truth with a LIAR. If you’re confused, it’s okay. You should be. Lou Piniella intends to be in the Bobby Valentine and Buck Showalter retirement camp: waiting for a bigger, better paycheck.
And don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
(Determined Effort to Stalk Top Infielders Nightly, Yearly)
Even Clinton, despite his somewhat suspect taste in women, knew how to play the game. Cigars in the Oval Office, blue dresses. The man had been perfecting the craft with Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers and there was no way Monica had a chance against him.
But now? John Edwards cheats on his cancer-stricken wife, gets the lady pregnant and videotapes it. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he still had the balls to think he could make it through the campaign without anyone finding out.
And if we can believe recent reports, it seems that boring old Al Gore might be the worst of the lot. It’s not just that he hid it all along while subjecting us to that interminable kiss with Tipper. It also appears that he plain and simple has no game. Let’s look in on a Chinese animated recreation of the events in Oregon on the night of October 24, 2006:
Yep, real classy, Al. And when a lady compares you to a sex-crazed poodle, that’s usually not a compliment. Even if I have been known to take it that way.
Fear not, dear readers, for the scare huckin’ shadow casting done by my chiding and oft misleading colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, is nothing more than seductive pomp and circumstance meant to dissuade you from the truth! Sure, sure… the Republicans are transitioning into the high profile sex game. So what? It’s about time they join the proverbial party (DNC approved or not) because to be honest, the political sex scene could use some old spice (pun intended). But there is no way in Congressional hell (it’s a lot like Ames, IA only less corn) that the Republicans are stealing the show.
And that’s the thing. Ya see, the Democrats are still gettin’ their sexy on, it’s just that we’ve seen so much of it in recent years that it’s simply boring to us now (think John “You Are the Father” Edwards). I mean, New York Congressman Eric Massa is doing so many inappropriate things to so many different people that the best thing for him right now would probably be to grab an adult magazine and cool out it in a truck stop restroom for a few days… wait. No. That’s a bad idea. Bad, bad, bad idea.
But, seriously, if all these politicians just learned to take out their “frustrations” on themselves (privately, of course) rather than act out on others, maybe our government would be just a little more productive. We live in the 21st century, people. All kinds of new, innovative stuff exists for no other reason than to get us those happy endings! So what if we all go blind… now the goods come in braille! What do we need our eyes for!?!? Eh!?!?
Whew. Okay. That may have been the longest introduction to a main point ever, but it had to be done. I have no regrets.
And in case you are wondering what the actual point of this piece is, well, it is simply to inform you that a braille book on the history of the Chicago Cubs franchise is also in the works. The rumored list price is nowhere near the 150 Pounds Sterling it will cost you to get one of those braille p0rno books, but that is simply because the Cubs history book consists of just… one… letter:
Hate me ‘cuz I gitz long-winded, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
It’s amazing to me how creative people can be when trying to avoid admitting something embarrassing. Like Bill Clinton’s infamous definition of “is” or A-Rod’s original interview with Katie Couric, there are little embellishments, and large ones as well, that seem incredibly obvious in retrospect.
However, what I find even more telling is the response when they’re finally called out and forced to tell the truth. Maybe it’s a short statement issued over a weekend before disappearing for a week (or ten) like John Edwards. Or maybe it’s a couple lawyers finally letting slip that Sammy Sosa was juicing, something most of us had probably already figured out
But today brought around one of my favorites. The Republican paragon of virtue congressman admitting to an extra-marital affair. I mean, we expect this sort of thing from the Democrats. They are the party of Kennedy after all. But the Republicans? How sad is it when the titular head of the Democrats, Barack Obama, is a once married family man while the Republican leadership is full of guys like Newt Gingrich and John McCain who have multiple marriages under their belts, some of which came out of less than squeaky clean circumstances.
It is possible that there’s an upside to all this fudging and creativity, though. If we could just get our leaders to apply some of that creativity to the economy, maybe they could turn it around. What’s that you say? They already tried that and it didn’t work? Well, I guess we could just stuff our money in a mattress. That always seems to work.