I was but a child when I first watched his infamous Cosmos series — a series that, for the very first time, made me realize that the mysteries of life, of the universe, of existence as we know it are far more grand and far more expansive than anything I could ever understand in my lifetime.
But, more importantly, it taught me to always ask questions.
And that’s what I’m doin’ today… ‘cuz some of this shizzo just doesn’t make any sense.
Let’s take a look at some contemporary mysteries of the universe, shall we?
Kyle Farnsworth Has a Job. Gregg Zaun Has a Job. Jermaine Dye Does NOT Have a Job. Again.
How does this work? How does a bonafide game-yacker who cries a lot get paid $3 plus million a year while Jermaine Dye sits at home drinking scotch, watching NBA League Pass and surfing the 900 channels? And Gregg Zaun? Isn’t he an AARP officer? The dude’s knees must be concrete by now! Dye had what it takes to play last year and no one gave him a deal because he supposedly wanted too much money. Well, I’m sorry, but I’d rather pay Dye decent money to do his thang rather than throw it at the above two fellas knowing the bad days have a good chance of outweighing the good.
Armando Gallaraga’s Very Bad… Life
He went from rookie sensation (2008) to minor league road block (2009) to work-in-progress (2010) to the imperfect game… THEN… in just a matter of hours went from agreeing to a $2.3 million contact to being DESIGNATED FOR ASSIGNMENT! DFA’D YO!!! That’s the sort of thing that happens to the Wilson Betemits of the world, not someone who had a perfect game ripped from his reach!
Matt Drudge’s Recent Lapse in Calling President Obama a Socialist
Oh… wait. Nevermind. Mystery solved because there is no mystery. He just went two days without a dig. That’s… strange, but not mysterious.
As far as I know, vegetarians can eat donuts.
And that’s a whole lot of donuts.
Yet I do not doubt Prince’s ability to devour them all.
Hate me ‘cuz I went a whole week without a Prince-Fielder-Is-Fat joke, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
With the exception of the Rays and Rangers, the division series didn’t exactly pack in a whole lot of excitement. Sure, there were great individual moments and Halladay’s no-no immediately went down in baseball history as a post-season moment you’ll tell your kids about one day. But even with one series going the distance, none of the matchups inspired much drama.
There is hope as we move on. The Yankees and Phillies look practically unstoppable but sometimes drama comes from unlikely places. It’s like how things in politics can go from being a sure thing to suddenly tightening or how a baseball game can go from brutal clash to blowout with a single error. Often it’s the simplest little things on which events turn. Swiftboating, an errant throw from a pitcher. You just never know.
However, if you’re Charlie Crist, you just have to hope that all the drama of the Florida Senate election doesn’t end up hinging on this:
C’mon Charlie. Farnsworth is already out of the playoffs. No need to pay homage.
What playoff pitcher would you least want to face?
I may have mentioned this before but I write about baseball because of how poorly I play. I wasn’t terrible in the field but I couldn’t even hit those 45 MPH fastballs that kids were throwing in 6th grade. I could blame the astigmatism or my parents for the genes that created these terrible eyes but the fact of the matter is that I just can’t hit.
So when it comes to facing any playoff pitcher I have to say that I’d prefer to not be up against any of them. I guess Aroldis Chapman might be the scariest because I don’t even want to know what a 105 MPH fastball looks like. The fact of the matter is, I’m pretty sure I’d strike out bunting against any starter or reliever on any of the eight playoff teams.
But wait. Maybe there is one guy I wouldn’t mind going up against. If the Braves can pull it together, that means my old buddy Kyle Farnsworth will be along for the ride. Hey, it’s not my fault they decided to go out and repeat that mistake. And I’ll bet you good money that he’ll end up burning them in the postseason. I’d still go there, though.
Here’s the thing. Chances are that Farnsworth would smoke me. He’s a professional being paid way too much money for something that he doesn’t do as well as he should. If he can’t put it by me, he’s a bum. And if he does, he’s still a bum. I’m a 31 year old desk jockey. What business do I have facing down a professional athlete? Yeah, that’s the one guy I would like to go up against.
I think the chances of MLB inviting me in to face a big-league pitcher are pretty slim. I’m also not really sure if the results would be more embarrassing to me or the league. But if they feel like pulling in Farnsy for a few pitches, I’m all there.
In fact, I’ll even sweeten the pot a little. If you make this happen and Farnsworth can put ten strikes by me without my even touching them, I’ll never write another word about him in these pages. If I can get the bat on just one of them, even just barely nicking it, I get his salary for the week. And if I put one in play, he has to quit baseball forever. Now that sounds like a pretty good contest to me.
What do you say, Mr. Farnsworth?
***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****
Something on your mind? Want to see Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not together, eww)? Think you got a real stumper? Send us your Filibuster question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
***Pictures of Farnsworth begging Jason Heyward for an autograph “for my kids” also welcome. Yeah right, Farnsy. Nice try.
wasn’t enough, every single division race is still up in the air. Is
it me or has the world gone crazy?
Well, Percy, I gotta admit: you sure lost me with the whole Russia and Pakistan thing. What is Pakistan anyway? Any relation to pachyderms? Or pachydermia? I think one of my sisters has pachydermia. Sores. Lots of ’em. I think…
I know that I’m a US American, man! Heck, nowadays, you can just label me as a plain, old ‘Merican. Stuff my face with apple pie, stick me in front of the tube to watch baseball, let me marry three chicks at the same time and let’s make a damn reality show out of this highfalutin awesomeness!
Has the world gone crazy?
The world has been crazy for as long as I can remember, and it just keeps getting crazier. I mean, we live in a world where aggressive foreign policies are based on bronze age fairy-tales — a world where Kyle Farnsworth always has a job — a world where the Texas Rangers are running away with the AL Western Division title!
Of course, the world has gone crazy, Percy! Of course! Look around!
We live in a world where technocracy trumps physicality — a world where Elisabeth Hasselbeck is seen as an authority on social issues — a world where I can have 600 “friends”… without ever leaving my apartment… EVER!
Crazy?!?! More like frightening, Percy! Frightening!
Ya see, if I could have it my way I’d live on a self-serving farm, surrounded by nothing, accompanied by a sole transistor radio beaming exciting play-by-plays of men laboring in wool uniforms hundreds of miles away while I sip away on barrels of whisky.
Yeah. I think I could get by on that.
But this is 2010, Percy. And 2010 has iPods and Blagojevich and MLB.TV and Glenn Beck and Facebooks and Lady Gaga and Twitters and… and… whaddya call it? Pakistans?
Yes, the world has Pakistans.
And Pakistans are crazy.
Hate me ‘cuz I ain’t down with holy wars, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****
Something on your mind? Want to see
Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not
together, eww)? Think you got a real stumper? Send us your Filibuster
question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at
*Information leading to the arrest of Mr. Krause’s imaginary friend, Sal the Tiger Lovin’ Slobberer also welcome.
It has become obvious to me that baseball managers do not read this blog. How do I know this? Because how else can you explain the fact that Kyle Farnsworth STILL has a job?! Have I not made this clear? The dude is poison. The Cubs didn’t blow the 2003 NLCS because of Bartman. It was Farnsworth. He makes every team worse.
But, despite my multitude of cautions and unwavering admonitions, teams with hopes of making the postseason still go out and pick this guy up. His latest victim? The Braves. And there’s no way they can say they didn’t see it coming. Just scroll down through the article and, after reading about how he pitched this time, relive the magic of his previous outing with the Braves.
At least Farnsworth didn’t go crazy after the game like some other NL East relievers. Instead he just accepted it as another day at the park: “Can’t do anything about it. Just got to keep your head up and keep going.”
Really, Farnsy? Because I think you actually can do something about it. I think these GM’s could get their heads out of their a$$es and make a decision not to hire you anymore. They did it to Barry Bonds and he at least performed. I should probably keep it down, though. Even if the managers don’t read this, you might and I wouldn’t want to see you cry again.
The interwebs are a buzz about RSBS‘ propensity for picking on what seems like only a select few players/teams, for striking at those more prone to ridicule, the bottom of the baseball barrel. We’re talking about the Kyle Farnsworths, Brad Lidges, Milton Bradleys. We’re talking about the Chicago Cubs, Pittsburgh Pirates, Kansas City Royals.
We’re talking about easy marks. All of them. They are weak, addled, flawed.
But let it be know that dear readers galore have spoken; and we at RSBS are not ones to disappoint. So here ya go, folks… a quick slanderous slaying of all 30 Major League Teams… in one minute or less (or more, depending on your reading level):
Hey, Yankees, is that Mo’nique or C.C. Sabathia?…
Boston Red Sox? More like Boston Sucks Cox!…
Dear Rays, I can’t wait until you disappoint all your new fans by letting Carl Crawford go…
Blue Jays, if you were gonna let an Italian destroy your franchise, why not give one of the Gottis a shot?…
I didn’t know the Oriole way included a sharp decline in season ticket sales…
Sorry, Twins, but you’ll never be as good as Kent Hrbek farting in George Brett’s face…
Hey Tigers, remember when people used to live in your city?…
Attending a White Sox game is a lot like attending a vocational school open house…
I think we can all agree that Charlie Sheen could make the 2010 Indians squad…
The Kansas City Royals… did I mention Kyle Farnsworth?…
Oh, sure, I love the California Los Angeles Angels of Los Aneheim California Angeles Los L.A….
The Texas Rangers: Where born again drug addicts find Jesus while not making it to the playoffs…AGAIN…
Wow, Mariners, your most famous player outside of Griffey and Ichiro is… Harold Reynolds? Seriously? Ouch…
A’s… it stands for “moneyball doesn’t work so it’s best we go back to employing known juicers”…
Dear Phillies, if the Phanatic isn’t a phag, I don’t know what mascot is…
Sorry, Marlins… if you’re not cocaine or the Dolphins, Miami doesn’t even know you’re there…
Atlanta Braves…14 straight playoff appearances and how many World Series titles?…
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Met will now be played by a corpse…
Hey, Nationals, two words for ya: Dunn’s ^ss!…
The Cardinals? The Cardinals!?! You’re… you’re… aweso– you’re… (Sorry, I can’t do it; I tried)…
For insults directed towards the Cubs, please see the 2+ years of RSBS archives
Hey, Brewers, is that Mo’nique or Prince Fielder?…
Just wait, Reds fans, two more years of Dusty Baker, and you won’t even have a pitching staff!…
Houston, we have a problem… and it’s called the Astros…
Yeah, picking on the Pirates is a lot like picking on the quadriplegic fat blind kid whose parents got divorced and forgot they even had a kid…
The Dodgers‘ m.o. is: show up late, leave early, hope no one notices the messy divorce…
Ok, Rockies, Dante Bichette called, he wants his inflated numbers back…
Hey, Giants, is that Mo’nique or — nope, that’s Pablo Sandoval. He’s just fat…
Padres? Friars? Perhaps Molested Altar Boys would be more suiting, considering the amount of back-bending abuse they’ve taken from Sandy Alderson…
The Arizona Diamondbacks? More like the Arizona Diamondhacks!
My vitriolic verbal leg sweeping knows no limit.
So don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
P.S. The Cardinals? Fine. If I must. Here. Have fun with *THIS*.
*also thank you, Matt
Don’t like Salman Rushdie’s books? Issue a fatwa allowing for his death. Don’t like the intermingling of the sexes in educational institutions? Issue a fatwa allowing for the death of those who okayed it.
I’m not saying all fatwas inspire quite such lunacy and, in fact, despite its modern connotation, a fatwa usually has more to do with the mundane elements of everyday life than anything else.
But, if you take it just a little ways past the line (or way over as in the case of the two I already mentioned), it gets your name out there and lets you make some bold statements. And since nowadays it doesn’t even appear that you have to be a recognized authority to issue a fatwa, I see that as an opening up of the field to just about anyone. With that in mind, here are my first few baseball fatwas:
Starting Kyle Farnsworth is Justification for Losing Your Franchise
Yes, I realize this affects the Tigers just as much as it does the Yankees, Cubs and Royals but at least the Tigers and Yankees never seriously considered this option. As the baseball ascetic, St. Allen of Michigan has brought to our attention many times, Farnsworth is a huge bag of suck and it’s time there were consequences.
Pink Hats Should not be Allowed Into nor Sold in Stadiums
I have mentioned this before but this is my first time codifying the decree. There is no reason to feminize the sport. If you can’t appreciate the game for what it is and need a pink hat to get you to the park, maybe it’s better if you stayed home. Pink is for cotton candy, baby girls and prom dresses, not baseball hats.
Songbirds are Unacceptable Mascots and Their Fans Deserve Ridicule
Look, there are hardcore birds like Eagles and Falcons and then there are pansy birds like Blue Jays, Orioles and Cardinals. You can try to blame it on the owner or tradition but you’re still the one wearing a fancy pigeon on your clothing. I’m even open to extending this fatwa to fans of franchises named after baby animals. Would you cheer for a team if they were called the Puppies? The why would you cheer for the Cubs? Marlins may be fish but they can put up a fight. And if you think that Rays aren’t dangerous, you might ask Steve Irwin for a second opinion.
So, there you have it. My first three baseball fatwas. Now, let the arguments in baseball jurisprudence begin.