The learning curve on being a Yankees fan isn’t nearly as forgiving as one might expect given the Evil Empire’s age old stranglehold on professional sports fandom. I’m a smart guy; but even I am having a hard time understanding it all:
“We friggin’ HATE A.J. Burnett!”
“We friggin’ LOVE A.J. Burnett!”
“WHO the friggin’ frig is A.J. Burnett!?!?”
But don’t let lightning fast fluttering allegiances get ya down, especially if you’re a bandwagoneer. As long as you remember the basics (i.e. Jeter is GOD; Mo will kill you in your sleep and not break a sweat; Posada is a defense-challenged commodity) then you shouldn’t have any troubles navigating through the Yankees’ world of privileged self-righteousness.
Of course, there’s one more thing you should know: once you go there… you can never go back. You can never unsee. Never unfeel.
When Mark Teixeira went down with his injury the other night, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking…
It has been well over a month since I first saw this doctored picture of Derek Jeter in a Red Sox uni, created and posted by Homer at We’re Talkin’ Homer, Blue Jays and MLB; but the damaging affects continue to haunt me today.
And I don’t even like the Yankees.
I know Brian Cashman is staying true to his hardline of not negotiating contracts during the season, but as long as Jeter isn’t guaranteed to be a Pinstriper next year, I am going to have to go to sleep each night knowing that the possibility he will be something else in 2011 still exists…
…and for a baseball purist like myself (bring back the wool uniforms, please) that is just unacceptable.
He’s Derek Friggin’ Jeter, Mr. Cashman. Not Posada. Not Mo. Jeter. The dude walks on water… and uses TWO HANDS!
So go ahead and hate me ‘cuz I appear to empathize with Yankees fans (in this situation and this situation only); just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Because I am.
With Major League Baseball and various publications handing out their end of the season awards, RSBS has decided to follow suit. Sure, our prizes may not come with any financial reward and they may not trigger any clauses in the affected players’ contracts. But, it is our civic duty. So, without further ado, we present Part I of our two part Postseason Awards Show. Allen, take it away.
Most Thunderdome worthy:
Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui
Both Damon and Matsui have been integral parts in the Yankees’ dynamo but with age and injuries taking a toll, one of them will most likely have to go. Obviously, the only fair way to settle the question is to have them fight it out in the Thunderdome. Granted, the one who dies will have a seriously decreased trade value but fair is fair.
Most Valuable Player for the Minnesota Twins:
Yeah, you thought it was Joe Mauer but with the Tigers holding a tenuous lead in the AL Central at the end of the season, Miguel Cabrera and his wife, Rosangel, made the alcohol-lubricated sparks fly at home. The aftermath saw Cabrera flop against the White Sox and the Twins pull even before winning the Central.
Jeff’s MDP (Most Dreamy Player):
I think we’ve already covered this one. I just hope this comes true for you one day, buddy. You and AP would make an adorable couple and I’d be honored to stand with you at the ceremony.
Most Transformative Player:
Transformations work in both directions and after going from Mitch Williams to Mariano Rivera to Eric Gagne in the space of three seasons, you have to wonder what Lidge will become next. If he ends up on the Tigers, I’ll say Trevor Hoffman. But my head says it’s the Canadian-American League.
Most Amazing RSBS Writer/Person:
Jeff Lung and Allen Krause (in a surprising tie)
We decided to leave this award to our respective mothers to decide. And neither one of them could be swayed to the other side. However, I can’t tell you which one they each voted for so we’ll just leave that to your imagination.
Tune in tomorrow as Jeff brings us Part II of the show. Rumor has it that several Cubs players may have been nominated. Stop by and see if they finally manage to win something.
Relax. Breathe easy. Enjoy this, fellow Yankee haters: Cliff Lee and the Phillies have given us another precious day of hearing “twenty-six rings” over the inevitable “twenty-seven”. And remember, God made a “firmament” in just one day. Think of what we can do with ours!
Because let’s face it, whether it happens on Wednesday or it happens next year, the year after that or whenever (it’s gonna happen in your lifetime), the Yankees are going to get their twenty-seventh ring. That’s fine. I’m okay with that. The franchise more than deserves it. You see, if you spend a billion dollars on something, it will work. Ask our government. And if I spent a billion dollars on something in just 9 years I’d expect that something to at least win me a trophy of some kind, or get a bill named after me, or land me a free room at Holiday Inn Express (they still make me pay there).
The point is: the Yankees will win… sometime… eventually…
Until then, A-Rod, Party Boy, Mo and Tex… you will have to wait patiently for this hater (me) to shower you with praise.
Speaking of people who want to shower me, I believe Mr. Krause lost the World Series of Metaphors and owes the winner (also known as Me) a meritorious essay on the topic of why I am awesome.
Hate me ‘cuz I flash a flair of fetidness, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
“Yeah, maybe he [Brad Lidge] is not having a stellar season but after what he did last year, the guy deserves a little bit of a break… He’s not really any sort of appropriate object for scorn.”
— Allen Krause
Uh oh. Dear readers, there he goes again.
Indeed, with the above statement, my always venomous and sometimes sneaky colleague across the aisle, Mr. Allen Krause, not only managed to embarrass himself with more tired slandering, but he also succeeded in alienating his entire base: people who love the game of baseball.
Believe me, those people in Philadelphia ain’t too happy about the lackluster performances of one Brad Lidge.
And with a Major League leading 8 blown saves this season, who would be?
Lidge should not be an object for scorn, Mr. Krause? Let me tell you something. Your recent absence from my watchful eye and the overall sanctity of RSBS‘ loyal readers has caused you to forget the most important fact of them all: this is US America!!!
And US America is not some sicko socialist regime where everyone can expect to be treated equally regardless of class. This is not some soft ego-massaging utopia where the Kevin Greggs and Brad Lidges of the world are as praiseworthy as the Mariano Riveras and Joe Nathans. No, this is not some machinated system of social stability, Mr. Krause. This is not some communal crackpot of communist theory. This is not some lewd egalitarian fantasyland where everyone should expect to be taken care of if they get sick and need health care… don’t you know how hard it is for doctors to live their lives with just one Bentley in the garage rather than three!?!
If you can’t succeed on your own, you deserve to be punished!
Whether we’re talking about Brad Lidge or Kevin Gregg or Jesus himself… it doesn’t matter: if you suck, prepare for your roast.
‘Cuz that’s just how life is when you’re free.
Hate me ‘cuz I’m fluent in sarcasm and smarmy as hell, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
You know what this baseball season is lacking? A good brawl. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I saw a baseball brawl that really made me stand up and cheer. I mean, there are classics like Pedro taking out Don Zimmer and Jose Offerman charging the mound with a bat. But these happened years ago. Where’s the good stuff these days?
I’m not saying I’ve lost hope. The next few days will be all about the Yankees and Red Sox renewing their rivalry and we all know there’s no love lost between those two teams. Maybe Beckett throws some high heat and Melky takes exception. Or it could be Mariano throwing behind Youkilis and Big Papi comes charging out of the dugout to right that wrong. It could happen.
But most likely we’ll just see some baseball. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I mean, New York and Boston squaring off is a time-tested showdown. Once again they’re one and two atop the AL East and seem to be heading for another late-season showdown.
Is it wrong, though, that I want to see the fire? I love the idea of A-Rod saying the wrong thing to Papelbon and the whole thing disintegrating into yelling, shoving and then flying fists. Maybe it’s because I’m from Michigan and the only thing we have going for us there is hockey. But Papelbon and Rodriguez throwing down brings a smile to my face.
Maybe, though, it’s just a natural reaction to other world events. When female Russian handballers are going at it like Tyson and Holyfield while baseball players are meekly sitting the bench when their teammates get beaned, well, you know something is a little mixed up in the world. What, you don’t believe me? Well, believe this:
My money is on the blonde.
-Video via Deadspin